I don't think I'd be nearly as...irritated if I didn't have such strong feelings for her. It's crazy how alike she and i are. Our mindsets, the way we view life, they way we interact with people, it's all very similar - and i think that's what scares me. I'm scared that she's going to prove me to be a fool and prove that i never should have believed in her or us to begin with. I'm scared that I've stood up for her and us so much that it may have just been a waste of energy and breath. I just can't be proved wrong. I like her so much and I want there to be an "us" but there are also many factors that scare me away from an us. I just wish I could feel comfortable and trust her.

At the end of the day, that's all I want to to be able to do. i want to feel like I'm the only woman in her life and that she isn't thinking about or touching anybody else. We both have history of cheating and I guess because of our own past together, I'm afraid she'll cheat on me and I just can't let that happen. But the again, I guess if you make the decision to date someone who is a cheater, than you're kinda putting yourself out there to be cheated on. I guess because my feelings for her are getting stronger than I ever anticipated, I'm getting more and more scared. As much as i want to completely let her and almost completely fall into her arms, I'm petrified. I'm petrified that I'll fall into those arms and either a)someone else will already be there or b)she'll walk away as soon as I land. I guess it doesn't make sense to really have feelings for someone about whom you have so many questions but I just can't let this one go. I need to see if this can work. This weekend will be really huge for us. It's the first time we've actually spent alone time together when it was just she and I and us. I really really hope it's as good as i think it will be. I feel myself falling for her and I just need some kind of confirmation that she will be there to catch me.


10am
As every minute passes that I don't hear from her, that I don't hear her voice, I get more and more aggravated. The voice in my head just keeps saying "Please, don't do me wrong. I'm rooting for us". She tells me the right things and in my heart, I latch on to every word she says, but my head tells me to be cautious and to read into everything. Last night I had this dream that really threw me for a loop. In the dream, she texts me and says "sorry about last night. I was practicing and - needless to say -I'm pretty tired now lol" (Yea, I remember the text verbatim) and then I call her and I start yelling like "are you serious?!" and she starts cursing me out like "you ought not be surprised. Stop complaining" and all this other stuff and now this dream is weighing heavily on me and then at 6:30 this AM I get this message:

Yes mama everythings ok my battery died on me last night and i had a minor setback but everything is ok now and i totally miss you sorry for not getting to say good night.

Bah! I mean I'm flattered, but not so much. As Jill Scott says "it takes more than diamonds to move me". I'm anxious, I need her here with me. I need to see if she's for real. She can say it on the phone all she wants but I need to believe it for myself. I honestly want to sweep this girl OUT of the markets so she can be MINE. I don't want to share her at all. But with the distance and other outliers I don't know how we could keep it up. I want to though. I really do. I feel like if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work. I feel myself falling for her and i just want to make sure falling is in my best interest.