It seems like the harder I try to get you to understand me, the further I push you away. I want more than anything to be with you and for us to be happy. I hate that it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can never seem to get it right. I love being around you, so when I come home, all I want is to be around you. But Cleveland is your home, not mine. And all I've ever wanted when i come home is not to take you away from your already existing life, but just to be an important part of it. Sometimes, I feel like you are the perfect manifestation of everything I've ever looked for in a partner: you've got the looks, the brain, the humor, the heart. And I think about how many great things we have experienced, the great things that you have done for me. I think about the time you came to see me during CA training and how your chief objective was just to bring me peace and make me feel at ease while I endured a rough two weeks. I remember when we went to Cheesecake Factory and took in the amazing scenery and stared into each others' eyes at dinner and talked and laughed about everything and nothing. I remember when we went shopping on the day before your birthday and were out ALL DAY just enjoying each other. There are so many good things we have experienced that, when I get angry, I totally forget about. Like I said, when I come home, I don't mind having to "fit" into your life because you're a busy woman. I don't ever look at you seeing me and me seeing you as a tally card as to who-did-what-how-many-times. However, it hurts me when I feel like, when I want you to come over to see me or if you have the car to just come by to say hi, that you will instead choose "other" things instead. I often find myself comparing what you do to what I do and it doesn't make sense because seeing you and being with you means the world to me. So, when you make the choice to not see me or when you tell me you will and then don't, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you. It makes me feel like I'm worthless to you and, in turn, everyone else. I know that I have a lot of issues with feeling important and being validated and it's not your job to "fix" my insecurities and my problems. If anything, I feel like because you know so well how much it affects me when my family and friends make me feel unimportant, it hurts so much more when you do or say things that make me feel like that. I feel like, "Lauren, you're supposed to be my rock. You know my heart, you know my fears. You know my pain." It just hurts so much more, I wish you knew how much you meant to me, how much I love you, how much I want you, how much I need you. I know you hate my anger. You hate my temper. You hate my instability. And I hate all of these things too. When I get angry, I can't see anything straight, I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't make any sense. It's like when I hurt, I can't be the only one hurt. I want you to be hurt, too. I can't make an excuse for why I do this, but it's a defense mechanism that I've picked up. I hate being hurt. I feel like pain for me is intensified x 30. I have dealt with - in my opinion - so much pain and rejection that, when I'm hurt or rejected, I don't know what else to do but to lash out. In theory, I just want to say to you "if you didn't hurt me, i wouldn't lash out", but unfortunately it's not that easy because sometimes I find myself taking things out on you. But, really, sometimes I wish you would just be mindful of me and how I might feel. I wish I could feel like your queen. I wish I could be there for you to support you and to be your rock just as you have been for me so many times. I wish I could be there to make you smile and laugh when you have a bad day. I wish I could be there when you come home to cook you dinner and hold you while you tell me about your day. I wish i could have you, Lauren, 100% of you. I know that you have your own demons and your own issues that you deal with, and my craziness probably does nothing to help it. I want to be there for you so bad as you try to move forward in your life. As I've always said, it would give me more joy than the world has to offer to be by your side as you walk through life. I hate that when I get angry, i lash out and call you every name in the book. It's not healthy nor is it right. I get so hurt by some things and I feel like, "why does she not care about me?" and I don't know what else to do. But I do know that if you love someone you should never talk to them the way I talk to you when I'm angry. But, then I ask myself, what do you do when you feel rejected by your partner and they don't seem to see or try to see how what they did, or didn't do, really hurt your feelings? You want them to understand, but then when I try to explain it, I just look like I'm trying to hoard you in a corner away from everyone else. You don't see it as me trying to spend time with the love of my life. I wish you could just see that me wanting to spend time with you was NOT about keep you away from people or to hoard you, I want to spend time with you because I am so happy and complete when I'm with you. because when I'm with you, I feel a new breath enter my lungs and I feel an extra bolt of energy. If I'm wrong for wanting to spend every waking minute with the love of my life even if only have mere seconds, than I'll be more than wrong. I can't express to you how much I love you nor can I express to you how sorry I am that I have emotionally hurt you with my words. I know that I have a lot of issues I need to work on, and I try so so so hard to fight my angry demons. It may not seem like it, but i've been fighting myself and trying to not let the small things get to me. I've tried so hard. It seems that more than I succeed, i fail at trying to calm myself down and trying to communicate effectively. More than anything, I wish you could be there for me as my rock to help me deal with my demons. I wish I could go to Couple's counseling with you so we could work out some of our issues. More than anything I want to be with you. I've tried to fight it, but it's not possible. I know that we have had a rocky six months, but despite that, I do not believe for a second that we CANNOT be happy and fulfill each other because it HAS happened and continues to happen. I don't want us to just "work out", I want us to be happy, I want us to complete each other. I, like you, am tired of the fights & the drama and the screaming and the crying and the drinking and the drugs and the cutting and the bullshit. I'm tired. I'm ready to be happy. I want more than anything to be happy with you. I want to work through ALLLLL of the bullshit, pick up the broken pieces and find a glue that will TRULY keep it together. I want you to trust my emotions, and trust my heart. I want to trust your sincerity, and trust your heart. I know none of this comes easy, but I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for what I feel in my heart is meant to be, even though sometimes people on the outside would wonder "are you fucking crazy?!" Yea, I am crazy, but I'm also a human and I have the ability to reason and in retrospect, I see that we both have made plenty of mistakes, but mistakes shouldn't be the cancer that kills us. Mistakes can be salvaged, they can be looked at and you can learn from them. If anything that I get from this, I hope that you can just understand where I come from and where my anger comes from. I want you to hear me and hear the sincerity in my heart that I do not want to hurt you anymore. I want you to feel that I am in love with you and that no matter what words have been said out of anger and spite, that I truly do believe you are a beautiful, talented, smart, hilarious, sensitive, and loving person. I love you and I will never stop. I hope that you can see that. If you choose to never be with me again, I will find the strength - whether it be through renewed faith, my family, working, something- to let you move on and pursue your own happiness. It hurts so much to even write that because I just want to scream "PLEASE SEE THAT HAPPINESS IN ME!" I hope you hear my words and you hear my heart. I love Lauren. I love you so much. You will always be my goosey.

It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people yet STILL be alone. Being a CA, I always have SOMEONE around, whether it be a resident, another CA, a supervisor, or just as a student: I'M ALWAYS AROUND PEOPLE. But the crazy part about it is regardless of how many people I have around, I still feel so lonely. I miss VA so much because I had all I needed there. I had my best friend. We were there for each other REGARDLESS. It didn't matter if we had nothing to do or tons, I always knew that if I needed anything (which was usually just someone to laugh with and make me forget about the world that bugs me) she would be there for me. I miss my family. I miss being able to come to my mom for anything and just sit with her and talk about life. I miss having my brothers around to make me laugh or just distract me from whatever. When I first got to college, I was just excited to be away from home. Now, all I can look forward to is going home. When I go home, I have my mom, I have Lauren, I have comfort and sanity that I don't have at school.

Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.

I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.

I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.

The more I sit here and think about this situation, I'm just about convinced that NO ONE would EVER think that this situation was OK! Let me type it out:
So, yesterday evening, Lauren calls me and says, "Hey, I was just letting you know that I'm leaving tonight and I probably won't be back." I'm like, "OK, where are you going?" Her response. To Shawntee's. I'm like, OK, are you sleeping over? Her response?Yea.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Shawntee is Lauren's EX-GIRLFRIEND. Supposedly, they are now "best friends". Question 1: Would you EVER be OK with your partner SLEEPING OVER at their EX'S house, regardless of if they are best friends OR if your partner is "really close" with their family?
So then, she gets mad at me because I went off. In my opinion, that shit is NOT COOL and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Lauren is 26 YEARS OLD.

YOU DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!!!!!!!

So then, she gets mad at ME for getting mad at HER that she thinks I shouldn't be MAD!

So what makes this even worse is ALL WEEK I had been saying to Lauren, "I have an issue with your relationship with Shawntee. I think that when I come to visit for the weekend, she should NOT you every day. OH! BUT GET THIS!!!!
When I came to see her last weekend, she says to me, "would you be mad at me if I left the house for a little bit?" I'm like, what do you mean 'leave the house'? Where are you trying to go and leave me here?! Her response? I NEED TO TAKE SHAWNTEE TO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.

QUESTION 2: If your girlfriend came THREE HOURS to see you and you don't see each other except every two/three weeks, WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER AT HOME SO YOU CAN GO TAKE YOU EX TO HER "AUNT'S HOUSE?!?!?!
NO! So then, I said, you know what?! Fuck this, so I called my mom and decided to go hang out with her for a little bit. THEN! When I get home, she gets mad at me and says, "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR ME!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! She says, "well, if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be able to stay attached at your hip all of the time." Huh?! WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER!

Anyways, I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I flipping out for no reason or am I entitled to be upset?

This house stuff

So, this living situation thing is really stressing me out. So, Lauren and I are SUPPOSED to be moving in together when I go home next Saturday. As much as I want to do it, and as much as I love Lauren, there are so many things in her life that I just can't get down with. I can't stand her drug use. I mean, I know it could be a lot worse but regardless of what it could be, I just don't like it. Period. I hate the smell of it, I hate how she acts on it even if she is acting rationally and I just don't like it. I guess how I feel about her woo use is similar to how some people feel about Marijuana. I don't know if I can live in a household where that's being done. On top of that, her relationship with her exes really bugs me and i don't like it. Namely with Shawntee, I fel like Shawntee is incredibly manipulative and adds nothing positive to Lauren's life except that they frequently smoke woo together and that Lauren is close to her family. Shawntee is not doing anything with her life and Shawntee & Lauren are talking constantly and it really bugs me that, especially when I'm in town for weekends, Shawntee insists on calling multiple times a day and it just bugs me because I feel like she should respect the fact that I'm in for the weekend and Lauren and she can't talk as often as they usually do. I guess I want so bad for us to keep progressing and I'm afraid that I can't deal with some of the things she has to offer. I have been incredibly quiet and subtle about her smoking woo, but as things could potentially get more serious, I'm afraid I can't handle it anymore than she has to offer. I really want to tell her "quit now, or I leave" but I know that won't work. I feel like she's constantly choosing the drug over me. I hate that Shawntee is such a shady person that Lauren wraps herself into. Her and Shawntee have the same dependent relationship from when they were together and i can't stand it. I don't think Shawntee should be allowed to smoke in our house. To be honest, i don't think Lauren should either. I don't trust that - after I leave for break - Lauren won't have her exes spending the night to "keep her company". I just don't know if I'm ready for this moving in thing until I'm permanently home and out of school. I just don't know if I'm as ready or I can handle all of this as well as I thought.

yep, still gettin' on my nerves

God, she gets on my nerves. Ya know what really annoys me? Is how she'll say she thinks we should just go to sleep so our issues will be "slept away", but then when I wake up and I'm still angry she gets mad! I mean, Lauren, you'd think you would have me figured it out by now. Anywho, so she really annoyed me today. I wish I had someone I could flirt with or just make me feel better; more or less, I just need some Friday validation and the LAST thing I want to do is be on duty tonight. I need a drink so bad. I need to go to the store and get some food & some cigs & yea. Maybe some vodka would be nice too. She just perturbs me. Some of the shit she says, it's just like, "really?!" I mean, she "says" she wants me to live with her when she gets her place, but then again it's like I feel like us living together may be complete chaos. She'd get jealous & angry if I left the house but then would feel like I shouldn't have any problem with her going out. She wants me to live with her when she's a frequent and habitual user of drugs. I can't live with a drug user. She claims she "doesn't want to live without me" but her actions and even some of her words contradict that. I just don't know if I believe it. And sadly, it only takes a night like last night to make me re-think EVERYTHING she's ever said to me. And I feel like if she were to get this place and I were to stay that Shawntee or Dominique or whomever would be over there ALL the time. IT IS NOT THEIR HOUSE! I just don't know how well I see us living together working out. And although she "claims" she wants to be with me for "the rest of her life", she's so unwilling to change any of her habits for me, while I've gone out of my way to change for her. But isn't that the way it always goes? Whatever, she's getting on my nerves and I really wish Amie were here. I miss having a BFF here. Anywho, enough venting for the time being. I'm not going to waste any more time or energy on her ass today. Whateva!

Wondering when it will all end

Is this woo shit ever going to end? It's so fucking frustrating. I REALLY HATE THIS FUCKING DRUG. Then I ask myself, well, if it were marijuana would I really give a damn? I mean, it's so frustrating because when she's on this drug she acts SO STUPID. She can't take care of herself. It's like, why would you do something where you may need a friggin babysitter in case you can't control yourself? And honestly, I wouldn't care if she hung out with freakin' Shawntee's ass if they could manage to hang out and be sober. It's like their friendship is dependent on their drug usage.

I just, I love her so much but this drug it is just getting old. I'm slightly bitter because she was supposed to start school on Monday and I am really scared that I'll graduate and start to look for a career and she'll still be where she is now. I just don't know how much more of this drug I can handle. When it gets bad, she tells me she'll quit and she doesn't want to do it anymore. Then she tells me that she "won't explain herself anymore" as to why she does it. But it's not like she does it only when she's going through shit, she does it when she feels like it. There's no rhyme or reason to her use. It doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could just...deal with it, but it's like I feel stupid for having faith that she'll quit because every time she says she will. she doesn't. I got her this video game for her birthday because she said it will help her deal, but it's not like she's using it to her cope. She's still using the drug. I got her an mp3 player so she could deal, but it's like she's using that either. I mean, I know it's only been a little less than a week since she had it, but I'm bitter because I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to steer her away from this drug and no matter what I do she's still using. Do I really just have to accept that she uses? I DON'T WANT TO.

I'm so sick of it. Here we are, four months later, she promised it would be done in July. It's now almost November. This drug is really one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issue in our relationship. Then she always always wants to make this comparison to me and my drinking but I feel like the two are totally not comparable. Am I enabling her by staying and not taking a stand? I'm trying to be there for her, but it gets harder when I just feel like my feelings towards this drug are totally not even taken into consideration. I know I can't change her, but part of me believes if I stick around she'll quit. I stay because I see how she truly is when she's not on it. I see how she is when it's just she and I. She took her drug test today for work and I kinda knew the day that she took her pee test she'd go smoke. I just don't get it. Just because you went and took your drug test doesn't mean that it's all of a sudden the cue to go smoke!

Like, for real. This is so. fucking. FRUSTRATING. Why am I so hurt by this? Why does my heart sink when I know she's smoking? And it's crazy because she doesn't even have to tell me; I just know. For instance, after a certain point and I hadn't heard from her, I just knew what was happening. And now, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I'm so angry yet all I want to do is hear her voice so I can know she's OK. And even if I were to fall asleep, she'd wake me up and then I'd be furious and so it's a catch 22. Do I stay up now and allow myself to stay furious or do I just go to sleep so I can wake up furious? Why do I have to be fucking furious? This drug totally disillusions me from the rest of our relationship. And I think I jinx myself when I start to fall in love all over again. It's like every time I get all re-in love'd is when she smokes. Do I just quit getting excited about her and our relationship?

I just am preparing myself for her calling me high and acting like a jack ass. And the sad thing? I tolerate it. And I go back and forth with "it's not so bad" but really, IT IS! Seriously, when will it all end? Does she really think I want to live with her while she's still using? Sometimes I truly think the only way to get her to quit is to start a family. But I should want a family because I want one, not because I feel like it will get Lauren on track. It's like why can't she want to get on track for us? We have all of these things that we talk about doing but how the fuck are we supposed to do them if she's got this fucking expensive ass habit? I just want her to go to school, get a better job, get a place, get a car and BE HAPPY AND SOBER.

I wish this tightness in my chest would go away. Every minute that passes and the phone doesn't ring I get so nervous and upset. Part of me doesn't even want to answer the phone but i don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm not stupid, either. I try to tell myself "just get over it, try not to make a big deal out of it" but I just can't. If it's a big deal to me, then it should be a big deal to her. I would hate for our relationship to fall apart because of this drug but I can't even freakin' trust her.

Despite how much I love her, I just don't know how much deeper I can get into this relationship if she keeps using. Do I want to live with her if she's going to bring that shit into our house? No. Do I want to start a family with a frequent and habitual user of drugs? NOOO. I just don't know how much further I can continue to go if she just won't change. I feel like eventually it's going to come down to the drug or me. I can't bring her around my family or friends if she's going to continue to use. I can't do it. God, why can't she just get her shit together? Why do I have to feel like this? Why does she have to be so selfish sometimes?

I have so much shit going through my head right now. I'm so hurt, confused, angry, frustrated, unsure, etc., etc. All I can do is just sigh deeply, pray that she'll call, and then try to pick up the pieces. I don't deserve to be hurt like this over something so trivial.

I just wanted to write and say that I am so in love with my Lauren. She makes me whole. I am so happy with her and I swear that every day, no matter what we go through, I find myself falling for her more and more and seriously feeling like she's "the one". I can't believe this, but I swear she's going to be my wife.

So, I'm pretty pumped about next weekend. Not so much this weekend, considering I'm on duty and have this stupid Race Dialogue thing that CA's have to do that is driving me borderline BANANAS! Well, anyways, next weekend is My Lauren's 26th birthday and I'm going to be making an appearance in Cleveland to celebrate with my darling. I am taking the bus (big thumbs down) because 1) my license is suspended and 2) because I don't want to drive my car down there now if I also plan on coming back home like three or four weeks later for winter break. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of nervous about it, because there is GUARANTEED interaction between her friends and I (whom saying I strongly dislike is quite the understatement) but I'm really trying to get myself in the state of mind to just say "meh, fuck 'em" and really try to enjoy myself with Lauren as much as I can. I really want her birthday to be fun and I want her to feel special. I want to buy her an mp3 player for her birthday, but depending on funds, it may have to wait until I get paid at my next check. I do know that I'm DEFINITELY getting her a birthday cake, some balloons, and I really want to get her a Build-A-Bear, but I also know that I'm on a budget and can't be buying stuff all willy nilly. I'm kind of annoyed with my credit card because I was really looking forward to having a little more cash, but I guess I also have to pay off my damn Fairborn ticket already. I am so sick of all these damn tickets. I just got another fucking ticket in the mail today. What's my fucking luck, right?! Anywho, I wish my boss would write me back already about X-Mas break because I really would like to come back and work but, as usual, she's taking forever and that kinda bugs me because i don't like waiting around all willy nilly. Oh well. I also want to make sure I look FABULOUS when I go home for my babe's birthday. I know she's going to look A-MAZING and so I have to show up and look my best as well. I can't believe she's going to be 26 freakin' years old. She'll be 30 in four years!!! That's crazy. It never really dawns on me that she's just about four years older than me. I really really really just hope that her birthday is great, no drama with me & her friends, with her family and her, and it's just a good weekend. I REALLY hope she stays DRUG FREE and that it's a great weekend. I miss her and love her so much! I just can't wait to hug her and kiss her all weekend and just be with her. I know it will be fun. Part of me is still considering driving, but it is very risky, especially with a suspended license. But, we'll see. Anywho, all I know is I love my darling and I am so excited to see her next week to celebrate her 26 years of life. And, I really need to workout already because I am o-bese.OHHHBESSEEE. It's actually pretty gross and I'm slightly disgusted with myself. When will the madness stop?! Can I just go back to how I used to be without a problem? Why am I so tempted to eat shitty food all the time?! MAKE THESE BAD HABITS GO NOW!

Frustrated & Unappreciated

So, I'm kind of frustrated right now. Sometimes I wonder why I try to be so tolerant and so understanding towards her but I don't think she does the same. Today, I have some sorta icky cramps. They aren't as bad as they usually are, but they're still bugging me nonetheless. On top of that, I'm kind of aggravated still from her smoking last night. So, today I'm trying to be in a better mood but at the same time just kinda trying not to be too emotionally involved just because I'm irritated. Then, when I get on the phone, she says that she's "not sure" if she wants to be on the phone with me because my "tone" is "sharp". Huh?!?! I mean - first of all - if I'm your partner you should want to be there and talk to me, ESPECIALLY if I'm not feeling too great! Secondly, of ALL the times I've been on the phone with her and sat through her come so short of verbally bashing me and treating me like dirt, she could AT LEAST have the patience to sit through me having freakin' cramps. It just bugs me sometimes how I feel like I am really trying to completely change myself to be a better person so that WE can be happy together but she still can't even pretend like she can be there for me the way I feel like I try to be there for her. Sometimes I feel like she owes me a lot emotionally because of what I have to go through with her and her drug use, but she doesn't see it. I feel like I put up with SO MUCH because I truly want to believe that she'll quit, but she takes advantage of my patience. And then, she gets mad when I bring up the subject. One thing is for sure: drug addicts are selfish people. She wants me to be patient with her and I truly want to as well, but it bugs me - for instance - how last night I was on the internet WITH her looking up stuff with her so she can go back to school, but when i call her today I reminded her to call them! ?!?!?! I feel like she should have been up this morning and the first thing she should've been doing is making phone calls. I mean, am I wasting this energy on someone who - at the end of the day - is just complacent with their life?! She says she wants to have and do all of these things, but her life choices prove otherwise. We had this pseudo-funny conversation yesterday about "living in a cardboard mansion" and, at the time, it was funny. I wonder if it's really a joke. I just can't stand people with potential who squander their aspirations for no good reason. And what's crazy is I can see all this potential in her, but if she doesn't see it in herself, it's useless.

Anywho, it's off to cramp land to try not to be so aggravated right now. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid we'll only argue. Bah. I'm just aggravated!

Catch 22

Every minute that passes that I don't hear from her, I get more and more worried. I hate that I don't know where she is or if she's OK. I get this sick feeling in my stomach, like something just isn't right but my heart says, "oh, she's fine. Just wait." But I just begin to worry. Where is she? Why haven't I heard from her? I hate this feeling. Times like this I feel terrible that she doesn't have her cell phone. I just want to know she's OK. I don't care what she's doing and it truly has nothing to do with me wanting to check up on her, it's wanting to know that she's SAFE. And as I write this, I still am just waiting...patiently. Praying that with every word that I write she is that much closer to calling me.

12:30AM
Well, I guess at least she's safe. But unfortunately, she's high as well. Ugh. I mean, is she EVER going to quit this? It's so frustrating! I feel like it's a curse. I can never get used to anything going well because she just HAS to go and get high and just make me feel so unsure about everything. I just can't stand her when she fucking smokes this shit. The minute she called me, it was like a Catch 22. I'm happy to hear her voice, but I hate how she acts and talks to me when she's high. I HATE THIS LAUREN. She will never understand how much it hurts me to hear her like this, or tolerate her like this. But you know what's crazy? I LOVE HER. I love her for every time she talks to me like I'm some random girl off the street, how she just abruptly wants to hang up whenever we have any kind of heated argument, how she thinks that it's OK to hit me in the face - even if it is "soft". More importantly, I love her because she is sweet, and affectionate, caring, FUNNY, intelligent, protective and passionate. Every minute I go throughout the day and I think about her. I think about her when I'm in class, at work, just walking, driving, doing homework, doing something CA related, ANYTHING. She's always on my mind. I am so in love with her. I want to be with her and put forth all the effort in the world to be her wife and make her the happiest Lauren in the world. I want to protect her from all of the ills I can that she could be presented with for the rest of her life and be the woman to always have her back no matter what goes down. I want her to be my best friend and be there for me in every possible way. I am so fucking in love and committed to her. I would marry her regardless of the minute or second of the day. SHE IS THE SOLE POSSESSOR OF MY HEART.

God, I just wish she'd quit. Not for me, and not for us: for HER.

Sometimes, I really just can't stand her ass. She says the stupidest shit to me that she KNOWS will set me over the edge and make me ask her questions and she just doesn't get that when she says that shit it makes me question her fidelity and if she's forreal. I don't understand how a person can be so loving in a minute and then do something to totally make you question everything they just said/did. I don't get it. It's like she and I can be totally fine and then she'll say or do something to make me feel like, "was that all real or are you just saying/doing these things just to do them?" I just don't understand it. It pisses me off because I love this girl so fucking much and I've literaly completely broken down every wall for her and she says these things that make me feel foolish and makes me want to renig on everything I've ever said to her. She says these things and I'm just like, "are you trying to test me?!" It's like when things are good, she tries to test my devotion to her or see if I'm forreal and it angers me. I seriously trust her so much, and i hate when she says shit to make me question my own trust for her. In my heart, I know she's faithful, but then when she says dumb shit to me to get a reaction out of me, it's like, "so are you trying to prepare me to be cheated on by you, or are you just saying these things to see how jealous and angry I could get in the event that you do or what?! It just really pisses me off when she says those things to me. I hate feeling foolish and she doesn't understand that i trust her and believe in her SO MUCH and when she says shit like that, or especially when she smokes woo, i just feel like I am stupid for trusting her sometimes.

Woo
Oh woo. This is the sorest of sore subjects in our relationship. I can't STAND this fucking drug. When she does it, I can't stand who she becomes. Sometimes I can't even tell, but when I can tell, it's just annoying. She's not my Lauren when she does this shit. And for something so expensive, the fact that she does it so often is like, "if you want a future with me, how the hell do you think we'll be able to fund anything if so much of your money is going to this drug?!" More than anything, I just don't understand how, if you see so many people being hurt and sick of you because of your use of this drug, when do you say to yourself "enough is enough??" When do you realize that this drug is ruining your life and could potentially kill you if you don't stop? And it seems so selfish because she knows that I love her with every ounce of me and if something were to ever happen to her, a part of me would be gone too. I just hate it. And I hate that she has "friends" who don't seem to support her getting sober. I love her so much and I want her to be clean for us and our family. She says she's trying to find new coping mechanisms to replace the woo, but it's so hard when we're not together to really try to be there and help her steer away from the drug. I want to be there physically so bad. When we're together, woo isn't even an issue. She and I are just together and just like she isn't thinking about woo, I'm not thinking about drinking usually. I want her to get better and shake this fucking drug so bad. I love Lauren, but I hate the drug and what it does to her.

It's crazy how Lauren and I can be doing just fine and then something stupid will happen and all of a sudden we're arguing. Like today, we were having a WONDERFUL day and all of a sudden she asks me some stupid ass question out of the blue ("what would you do if I told you I had another girlfriend on the side?") and I'm like, why the FUCK would you ask me that question?! I just don't get it. Why can't she just NOT say shit like that?! Ugh. Can't she just see that she is my everything and keep it like that?! Bah. I love my Lauren.

Reasons I love Lauren:
1. She's sweet 85%
2. Compassionate 85% of the time
3. Excellent physical chemistry - cuddling, kissing, hugging, SEX
4. Easy to communicate with when not high - 85%
5. Romantic when we're together - when we're together - 90%, when we're not together-40%
6. Helps me to be more positive - 95%
7. Sees a similar future with me-100%
8. Lets me be myself when we're together - 90%
9. Incredibly protective - 100%
10. Supportive - 85%
11. Encourages me to be succesful - 90%
12. Encourages me to be honest and open about my feelings - 100%

Oh, the 15% you speak of? That's when she's on drugs or we're arguing like mad.

Gosh, I don't know what more I can say but I am so in love with Lauren, more than I could ever explain. I just want us both to get ourselves together so that, when I move home a year from now to be an adult and we will *hopefully* still be together, we will both have everything together so we can be a wonderful couple and hopefully be on the verge to start a wonderful family.

Man, I really really miss Lauren. It's so freakin hard to be away from her. Every day I try to count down until the next time we will be together and think that in the future that we will be together every day but it's just so stinkin hard to get through today. I swear I find myself loving her more and more every day. She helps me and teaches me daily how to be a more positive and inspiring person. I love her and I know that she and I are going to be fine and continue to grow together. Lauren makes me want to be the partner I've always wanted to be and I look forward to working together to be the best couple we can be and the best people we can be for each other and ourselves. I am so in love with lauren.

So, these past few weeks have been freaking CRAZY!! Things with Lauren have gone from downright shitty to incredibly hopeful and it's been a whirlwind. My weight has been such a challenge to me and I'm just getting incredibly frustrated with myself because I know how to get myself on track but it's like I keep making excuses for why I can't. It's frustrating.

Lauren:

So, yea, Lauren and I have gone through a lot in the past couple of weeks. We've fought breaking up for nearly two weeks. We've been at each other's throats and we've literally fought each other, call each other every name outside of the book, but somehow we managed to bring it all together, put things in perspective and realize that we love each other and that we haven't been loving each other the right way. Most people don't agree with our relationship, but we understand each other and love each other and complete each other in a way that we cannot accept each other for the shitty times and when we are down, and some how she manages to bring me up and feel like I can accomplish anything with her by my side. She supports me and she is truly an amazing person. There's this feeling that I get when I'm physically with her or when we talk on the phone and she makes me feel so great. I guess I've just noticed that I can't let my existence revolve around her and allow myself to get lost in this relationship. I still need to be able to be myself and hold what's important to me without losing it because of love. So, we'll see if we can continue to bridge the gaps and continue to grow together so that we can stay together and grow together and eventually, I hope, start a life together. Regardless of what we've gone through, Lauren is my partner and she's who I want to spend my life with. I am so in love with her. It doesn't make sense. The more and more I let my guard down, the more and more it scares me though. I guess realizing that I don't have to look for love and it's OK for me to be myself. I'm just scared she'll hurt me forreal. But I guess part of falling completely in love is being able to completely trust someone with your heart. God, that's so hard.

Anywho, I also have a lot of things that I need to do. Like get healthy, be a good CA, be a good student, and just be happy. And if I get all of these things together, then Lauren and I can be that much better for each other and I can be better for myself. I need to stop drinking and just focus on my health. I need to start dealing with my problems and not trying to drink them. I'm just ready to be a better person and I'm just so glad that I have a wonderful partner by my side to help me through the rough times.

I just miss her.

I miss her something terrible right now. It's only been a day since I've last seen her and she's consumed my thoughts since the second I left her. I am so in love with Lauren. From the moment I met her two years ago I thought there was something special about her. Something that I wanted for myself and something that I wanted to explore on my own. Now, here we are years later - together - and committed to each other more than I ever anticipated. I don't think I ever anticipated Lauren to be the kind of partner that she is to me. She has surpassed any expectations I ever set forth for her at the beginning of our relationship. I honestly never thought our relationship would get past like the first couple of weeks. Things were so intense and seemingly so fast that I just knew we would implode almost immediately. We had so many trust issues between us at the beginning I wasn't sure if we'd ever be able to trust each other or get past our distrust for our pasts and our exes to really connect with each other on a deeper level.

Then, as we started to get more comfortable with each other, we started to notice the trust issue wasn't going anywhere. Then, as she got more stressed and I got more stressed we continued to push each other to the edge to test our devotions to this relationship and each other. She turned to "woo" and her use put a huge strain on our relationship. It had begun to consume her life and it in turn affected mine. I tried to be there for her in the best way I could, but no matter how hard it seemed like she continued to use and it was just putting a serious strain on our relationship.

Then, she comes here on Saturday morning after arguing almost the entire night before and tons of "well, don't come then! If you don't wanna come, then don't!" Or "ya know what, I'm not coming to see you" and finally she gets here and everything that we had been going through for the weeks before was suddenly overshadowed by the fact that, here we were - together - after almost three weeks of separation and arguments for days. And when we looked at each other we were still so angry at each other, but we couldn't hide the fact that we were still in love, and we knew that the purpose of this specific visit was to figure out what freakin' direction we were going to go in. She looked at me and smiled angrily. I knew she was happy to see me, but she was too angry to show it. I went to hug her and she hugged me with an angry resistance.

We finally got in the car, and we were still mad at each other but the minute we got to my house and we finally hugged and she kissed me, I knew we would be OK. We laid down, and she held me as she does. I felt sure again. And all weekend, we talked, we argued, we yelled, we wrestled, we cried, and most importantly we loved. We overcame so many hurdles this weekend of understanding the root of a lot of our issues: insecurity. But I also learned that I have an amazing woman in my life. I learned that i have a strong, beautiful, admirable woman who is like everybody else. I learned how much she loves me and how much my happiness affects her happiness. I learned that she has goals and aspirations that are incredibly similar to mine. I learned that my woman is quirky and weird and has a sensitive but funny sense of humor. Oh, and our sex life is absolutely amazing. But oddly, while the animal sex was fun, it was when she gave me a full body massage after I got out of the shower and kissed me all over my body that is forever imprinted in my mind. With every kiss, I would learn a new reason she loved me.

And when she left, it was so weird. It never really hit me that she left until after I left her. The minute I walked out of the door and i was alone. When I turned around and she wasn't there anymore. When I got back to my room and all I saw was her hat and her shirt, I knew that what was just a roll in the bed was now 200 miles away from me, to only wait for the next time to rub her face and kiss her in the middle of the night and tell her "I love her".

I fell in love with Lauren all over again this weekend. I learned that the road ahead of us is certainly not going to be easy, but I learned that with perseverance, love, strength, and trust that we can make it happen. I know that this is only the beginning for us and we will have so many more obstacles to overcome, but I also know that if you want something bad enough you will find a way to make it work.


I am in love with Lauren. And she loves me.

I'm going to live my life for me!

I am feeling SO much better today! Yesterday was a rough day and I felt so fed up with feeling like everyone wants me to do everything for everything else and I really just broke down. Unfortunately, Lauren was at work so I couldn't talk to her but I did talk to some people who are close to me and I realized a lot about some of the issues I have and that I haven't been dealing with. I have issues comparing myself to my younger/older brother and I really need to stop doing that. I realize that being healthy really does make me happy. I realize that I actually doing alright with my life and I should be proud of everything that I've accomplished so far. I should be happy with the things that I do for other people but - at the same time - I really need to start thinking about what truly makes me happy and acting on it. Being healthy makes me happy. Running makes me happy. Waking up to the rain nestled in my lover's arm makes me happy. Being in love makes me happy (most of the time). Partying with my friends makes me happy. My family (for the most part) makes me happy. My dog BoBo used to make me happy. Making other people smile makes me happy. Lauren (for the most part) makes me happy. Amie (for the most part) makes me happy. I can be happy, I just need to stop putting my happiness to the side.

Last night, Lauren made me REALLY happy when she told me about something she's planning for when we get home. She's planning a date evening where we'll sleep at a hotel and go out to dinner and have a really quiet evening to ourselves and I am so excited about that and it's so incredibly thoughtful. Usually it's ME thinking of these things and I am just so excited that 1)she thought of that and 2)that she has just been amazing. Things with she and I are getting better and better by the day. I am so happy with her and I am so happy with how things are going. She continues to amaze me daily and I really feel like I'm infatuated/in love with her. GAH! That's so crazy. It's only been TWO WEEKS! Is that possible?! lol Oh Lesbians. Anywho, mama is feeling much better today and a lot more at ease.

Am i just that dumb?

I'm telling you, when you're emotionally involved with someone, it's hard to see clearly, but I can't lie, I'm still hurt. I guess it's like I had already tried SO HARD to get over my issues with her exes, but what she did yesterday totally floored me. She doesn't seem to get it, but I'll admit, her exes make me incredibly insecure. I know she's going to continue to be "friends" with them, but their "friendship" is SO not kosher. I feel like her exes have absolutely no respect for me or the relationship I have with Lauren. When Lauren was here, I swear it was absolutely amazing and I felt so incredibly loved and like I was the only one for her. Now, we've been apart for a little over a week and I feel so insecure and like I don't matter as much as she says I do. I don't know what/who to believe. It doesn't make sense how much she means to me and I hate feeling like I have all these feelings for her that can be pulled from under my feet at any moment. I hate this feeling. I thought I was over everything, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still holding onto some remnants. I just wish I truly believed that I'm all she wants. I really really hate this feeling. I just want an answer or some kind of resolution to make me feel special and appreciated and like what she says is really what she means.

Then next week I'm coming to Cleveland and I know I'm going to have to interact with her exes if I want to hang out with her and to be honest I really have no desire to be around any of them. They represent something to me that is vile and don't act in a way I value and I just do not want to be around them. The more and more I type about this situation, the more questions I begin to ask myself. I'm not mad anymore about the situation that happened yesterday, I guess at this point I just don't feel that important to her and like I'm not the same priority that she is to me. I want to feel confident in being Lauren's woman. I want to feel secure in that and while some of it may be a personal problem, some of it is also created by how she reacts to certain situations. I'm just sick of feeling like this. Maybe everyone else is right and I'm just stupid for believing that she could change. Maybe I'm stupid for believing in us as much as I do. I need some kinda confirmation. I don't want to be a nag, I just need this for my own sake.

What a fabulous weekend! My Lauren came and we had such a fabulous weekend! We really didn't do too much of anything, we really just cuddled, talked, had LOTS of sex, ate, drank, and joked around. I was so grateful that her bus was late because we were able to spend about 45 more minutes together and it was a great 45 minutes. During the trip, she asked me to "be her girl" and OF COURSE I accepted. I also ran my first 5K which was AWESOME because I finished it faster than I anticipated I would. Lauren was there (although she was asleep in the car) and it was great to know she was there with me and she supported me. Lauren and I had a great time and now we're in a relationship together and - i'm not going to lie - I'm incredibly nervous but I hope we can work together so that this can work. God I hope some things with her change because I refuse to accept some of her habits. She has a lot she needs to do, but it's all good. She deserves a chance too. God, I miss her! I most certainly cannot WAIT to see her again! That's my baby. Anywho, I guess I should go to bed. Later!

It's just what she does to me...

In 24 hours my babe will be here with me!!! I am so freaking excited for Lauren to get here! So I'm not sure if I'm going to pick her up in Springfield or in Dayton yet, but I'm leaning towards Springfield just because I want to get her ASAP! I'm really excited for her to get here because I really want to just be able to talk to her face to face and to be able to really get to know her on a level she hasn't quite let me in on while we're on the phone. What I do know is that she gives me butterflies everytime I hear her voice and she is just an awesome woman. We have so much chemistry and we just seem to really mesh together and I really feel like, if we both want this bad enough, we can really have a great relationship. She is amazing and i am incredibly excited about our future. Now I need to fold my laundry and vacuum and then try to SLEEP somehow. Oh I'm so excited to see my babe tomorrow.

I don't think I'd be nearly as...irritated if I didn't have such strong feelings for her. It's crazy how alike she and i are. Our mindsets, the way we view life, they way we interact with people, it's all very similar - and i think that's what scares me. I'm scared that she's going to prove me to be a fool and prove that i never should have believed in her or us to begin with. I'm scared that I've stood up for her and us so much that it may have just been a waste of energy and breath. I just can't be proved wrong. I like her so much and I want there to be an "us" but there are also many factors that scare me away from an us. I just wish I could feel comfortable and trust her.

At the end of the day, that's all I want to to be able to do. i want to feel like I'm the only woman in her life and that she isn't thinking about or touching anybody else. We both have history of cheating and I guess because of our own past together, I'm afraid she'll cheat on me and I just can't let that happen. But the again, I guess if you make the decision to date someone who is a cheater, than you're kinda putting yourself out there to be cheated on. I guess because my feelings for her are getting stronger than I ever anticipated, I'm getting more and more scared. As much as i want to completely let her and almost completely fall into her arms, I'm petrified. I'm petrified that I'll fall into those arms and either a)someone else will already be there or b)she'll walk away as soon as I land. I guess it doesn't make sense to really have feelings for someone about whom you have so many questions but I just can't let this one go. I need to see if this can work. This weekend will be really huge for us. It's the first time we've actually spent alone time together when it was just she and I and us. I really really hope it's as good as i think it will be. I feel myself falling for her and I just need some kind of confirmation that she will be there to catch me.


10am
As every minute passes that I don't hear from her, that I don't hear her voice, I get more and more aggravated. The voice in my head just keeps saying "Please, don't do me wrong. I'm rooting for us". She tells me the right things and in my heart, I latch on to every word she says, but my head tells me to be cautious and to read into everything. Last night I had this dream that really threw me for a loop. In the dream, she texts me and says "sorry about last night. I was practicing and - needless to say -I'm pretty tired now lol" (Yea, I remember the text verbatim) and then I call her and I start yelling like "are you serious?!" and she starts cursing me out like "you ought not be surprised. Stop complaining" and all this other stuff and now this dream is weighing heavily on me and then at 6:30 this AM I get this message:

Yes mama everythings ok my battery died on me last night and i had a minor setback but everything is ok now and i totally miss you sorry for not getting to say good night.

Bah! I mean I'm flattered, but not so much. As Jill Scott says "it takes more than diamonds to move me". I'm anxious, I need her here with me. I need to see if she's for real. She can say it on the phone all she wants but I need to believe it for myself. I honestly want to sweep this girl OUT of the markets so she can be MINE. I don't want to share her at all. But with the distance and other outliers I don't know how we could keep it up. I want to though. I really do. I feel like if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work. I feel myself falling for her and i just want to make sure falling is in my best interest.