Catch 22

Every minute that passes that I don't hear from her, I get more and more worried. I hate that I don't know where she is or if she's OK. I get this sick feeling in my stomach, like something just isn't right but my heart says, "oh, she's fine. Just wait." But I just begin to worry. Where is she? Why haven't I heard from her? I hate this feeling. Times like this I feel terrible that she doesn't have her cell phone. I just want to know she's OK. I don't care what she's doing and it truly has nothing to do with me wanting to check up on her, it's wanting to know that she's SAFE. And as I write this, I still am just waiting...patiently. Praying that with every word that I write she is that much closer to calling me.

12:30AM
Well, I guess at least she's safe. But unfortunately, she's high as well. Ugh. I mean, is she EVER going to quit this? It's so frustrating! I feel like it's a curse. I can never get used to anything going well because she just HAS to go and get high and just make me feel so unsure about everything. I just can't stand her when she fucking smokes this shit. The minute she called me, it was like a Catch 22. I'm happy to hear her voice, but I hate how she acts and talks to me when she's high. I HATE THIS LAUREN. She will never understand how much it hurts me to hear her like this, or tolerate her like this. But you know what's crazy? I LOVE HER. I love her for every time she talks to me like I'm some random girl off the street, how she just abruptly wants to hang up whenever we have any kind of heated argument, how she thinks that it's OK to hit me in the face - even if it is "soft". More importantly, I love her because she is sweet, and affectionate, caring, FUNNY, intelligent, protective and passionate. Every minute I go throughout the day and I think about her. I think about her when I'm in class, at work, just walking, driving, doing homework, doing something CA related, ANYTHING. She's always on my mind. I am so in love with her. I want to be with her and put forth all the effort in the world to be her wife and make her the happiest Lauren in the world. I want to protect her from all of the ills I can that she could be presented with for the rest of her life and be the woman to always have her back no matter what goes down. I want her to be my best friend and be there for me in every possible way. I am so fucking in love and committed to her. I would marry her regardless of the minute or second of the day. SHE IS THE SOLE POSSESSOR OF MY HEART.

God, I just wish she'd quit. Not for me, and not for us: for HER.