I'm going to live my life for me!

I am feeling SO much better today! Yesterday was a rough day and I felt so fed up with feeling like everyone wants me to do everything for everything else and I really just broke down. Unfortunately, Lauren was at work so I couldn't talk to her but I did talk to some people who are close to me and I realized a lot about some of the issues I have and that I haven't been dealing with. I have issues comparing myself to my younger/older brother and I really need to stop doing that. I realize that being healthy really does make me happy. I realize that I actually doing alright with my life and I should be proud of everything that I've accomplished so far. I should be happy with the things that I do for other people but - at the same time - I really need to start thinking about what truly makes me happy and acting on it. Being healthy makes me happy. Running makes me happy. Waking up to the rain nestled in my lover's arm makes me happy. Being in love makes me happy (most of the time). Partying with my friends makes me happy. My family (for the most part) makes me happy. My dog BoBo used to make me happy. Making other people smile makes me happy. Lauren (for the most part) makes me happy. Amie (for the most part) makes me happy. I can be happy, I just need to stop putting my happiness to the side.

Last night, Lauren made me REALLY happy when she told me about something she's planning for when we get home. She's planning a date evening where we'll sleep at a hotel and go out to dinner and have a really quiet evening to ourselves and I am so excited about that and it's so incredibly thoughtful. Usually it's ME thinking of these things and I am just so excited that 1)she thought of that and 2)that she has just been amazing. Things with she and I are getting better and better by the day. I am so happy with her and I am so happy with how things are going. She continues to amaze me daily and I really feel like I'm infatuated/in love with her. GAH! That's so crazy. It's only been TWO WEEKS! Is that possible?! lol Oh Lesbians. Anywho, mama is feeling much better today and a lot more at ease.

Am i just that dumb?

I'm telling you, when you're emotionally involved with someone, it's hard to see clearly, but I can't lie, I'm still hurt. I guess it's like I had already tried SO HARD to get over my issues with her exes, but what she did yesterday totally floored me. She doesn't seem to get it, but I'll admit, her exes make me incredibly insecure. I know she's going to continue to be "friends" with them, but their "friendship" is SO not kosher. I feel like her exes have absolutely no respect for me or the relationship I have with Lauren. When Lauren was here, I swear it was absolutely amazing and I felt so incredibly loved and like I was the only one for her. Now, we've been apart for a little over a week and I feel so insecure and like I don't matter as much as she says I do. I don't know what/who to believe. It doesn't make sense how much she means to me and I hate feeling like I have all these feelings for her that can be pulled from under my feet at any moment. I hate this feeling. I thought I was over everything, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still holding onto some remnants. I just wish I truly believed that I'm all she wants. I really really hate this feeling. I just want an answer or some kind of resolution to make me feel special and appreciated and like what she says is really what she means.

Then next week I'm coming to Cleveland and I know I'm going to have to interact with her exes if I want to hang out with her and to be honest I really have no desire to be around any of them. They represent something to me that is vile and don't act in a way I value and I just do not want to be around them. The more and more I type about this situation, the more questions I begin to ask myself. I'm not mad anymore about the situation that happened yesterday, I guess at this point I just don't feel that important to her and like I'm not the same priority that she is to me. I want to feel confident in being Lauren's woman. I want to feel secure in that and while some of it may be a personal problem, some of it is also created by how she reacts to certain situations. I'm just sick of feeling like this. Maybe everyone else is right and I'm just stupid for believing that she could change. Maybe I'm stupid for believing in us as much as I do. I need some kinda confirmation. I don't want to be a nag, I just need this for my own sake.