Sometimes, I really just can't stand her ass. She says the stupidest shit to me that she KNOWS will set me over the edge and make me ask her questions and she just doesn't get that when she says that shit it makes me question her fidelity and if she's forreal. I don't understand how a person can be so loving in a minute and then do something to totally make you question everything they just said/did. I don't get it. It's like she and I can be totally fine and then she'll say or do something to make me feel like, "was that all real or are you just saying/doing these things just to do them?" I just don't understand it. It pisses me off because I love this girl so fucking much and I've literaly completely broken down every wall for her and she says these things that make me feel foolish and makes me want to renig on everything I've ever said to her. She says these things and I'm just like, "are you trying to test me?!" It's like when things are good, she tries to test my devotion to her or see if I'm forreal and it angers me. I seriously trust her so much, and i hate when she says shit to make me question my own trust for her. In my heart, I know she's faithful, but then when she says dumb shit to me to get a reaction out of me, it's like, "so are you trying to prepare me to be cheated on by you, or are you just saying these things to see how jealous and angry I could get in the event that you do or what?! It just really pisses me off when she says those things to me. I hate feeling foolish and she doesn't understand that i trust her and believe in her SO MUCH and when she says shit like that, or especially when she smokes woo, i just feel like I am stupid for trusting her sometimes.

Woo
Oh woo. This is the sorest of sore subjects in our relationship. I can't STAND this fucking drug. When she does it, I can't stand who she becomes. Sometimes I can't even tell, but when I can tell, it's just annoying. She's not my Lauren when she does this shit. And for something so expensive, the fact that she does it so often is like, "if you want a future with me, how the hell do you think we'll be able to fund anything if so much of your money is going to this drug?!" More than anything, I just don't understand how, if you see so many people being hurt and sick of you because of your use of this drug, when do you say to yourself "enough is enough??" When do you realize that this drug is ruining your life and could potentially kill you if you don't stop? And it seems so selfish because she knows that I love her with every ounce of me and if something were to ever happen to her, a part of me would be gone too. I just hate it. And I hate that she has "friends" who don't seem to support her getting sober. I love her so much and I want her to be clean for us and our family. She says she's trying to find new coping mechanisms to replace the woo, but it's so hard when we're not together to really try to be there and help her steer away from the drug. I want to be there physically so bad. When we're together, woo isn't even an issue. She and I are just together and just like she isn't thinking about woo, I'm not thinking about drinking usually. I want her to get better and shake this fucking drug so bad. I love Lauren, but I hate the drug and what it does to her.

It's crazy how Lauren and I can be doing just fine and then something stupid will happen and all of a sudden we're arguing. Like today, we were having a WONDERFUL day and all of a sudden she asks me some stupid ass question out of the blue ("what would you do if I told you I had another girlfriend on the side?") and I'm like, why the FUCK would you ask me that question?! I just don't get it. Why can't she just NOT say shit like that?! Ugh. Can't she just see that she is my everything and keep it like that?! Bah. I love my Lauren.

Reasons I love Lauren:
1. She's sweet 85%
2. Compassionate 85% of the time
3. Excellent physical chemistry - cuddling, kissing, hugging, SEX
4. Easy to communicate with when not high - 85%
5. Romantic when we're together - when we're together - 90%, when we're not together-40%
6. Helps me to be more positive - 95%
7. Sees a similar future with me-100%
8. Lets me be myself when we're together - 90%
9. Incredibly protective - 100%
10. Supportive - 85%
11. Encourages me to be succesful - 90%
12. Encourages me to be honest and open about my feelings - 100%

Oh, the 15% you speak of? That's when she's on drugs or we're arguing like mad.

Gosh, I don't know what more I can say but I am so in love with Lauren, more than I could ever explain. I just want us both to get ourselves together so that, when I move home a year from now to be an adult and we will *hopefully* still be together, we will both have everything together so we can be a wonderful couple and hopefully be on the verge to start a wonderful family.

Man, I really really miss Lauren. It's so freakin hard to be away from her. Every day I try to count down until the next time we will be together and think that in the future that we will be together every day but it's just so stinkin hard to get through today. I swear I find myself loving her more and more every day. She helps me and teaches me daily how to be a more positive and inspiring person. I love her and I know that she and I are going to be fine and continue to grow together. Lauren makes me want to be the partner I've always wanted to be and I look forward to working together to be the best couple we can be and the best people we can be for each other and ourselves. I am so in love with lauren.

So, these past few weeks have been freaking CRAZY!! Things with Lauren have gone from downright shitty to incredibly hopeful and it's been a whirlwind. My weight has been such a challenge to me and I'm just getting incredibly frustrated with myself because I know how to get myself on track but it's like I keep making excuses for why I can't. It's frustrating.

Lauren:

So, yea, Lauren and I have gone through a lot in the past couple of weeks. We've fought breaking up for nearly two weeks. We've been at each other's throats and we've literally fought each other, call each other every name outside of the book, but somehow we managed to bring it all together, put things in perspective and realize that we love each other and that we haven't been loving each other the right way. Most people don't agree with our relationship, but we understand each other and love each other and complete each other in a way that we cannot accept each other for the shitty times and when we are down, and some how she manages to bring me up and feel like I can accomplish anything with her by my side. She supports me and she is truly an amazing person. There's this feeling that I get when I'm physically with her or when we talk on the phone and she makes me feel so great. I guess I've just noticed that I can't let my existence revolve around her and allow myself to get lost in this relationship. I still need to be able to be myself and hold what's important to me without losing it because of love. So, we'll see if we can continue to bridge the gaps and continue to grow together so that we can stay together and grow together and eventually, I hope, start a life together. Regardless of what we've gone through, Lauren is my partner and she's who I want to spend my life with. I am so in love with her. It doesn't make sense. The more and more I let my guard down, the more and more it scares me though. I guess realizing that I don't have to look for love and it's OK for me to be myself. I'm just scared she'll hurt me forreal. But I guess part of falling completely in love is being able to completely trust someone with your heart. God, that's so hard.

Anywho, I also have a lot of things that I need to do. Like get healthy, be a good CA, be a good student, and just be happy. And if I get all of these things together, then Lauren and I can be that much better for each other and I can be better for myself. I need to stop drinking and just focus on my health. I need to start dealing with my problems and not trying to drink them. I'm just ready to be a better person and I'm just so glad that I have a wonderful partner by my side to help me through the rough times.