It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people yet STILL be alone. Being a CA, I always have SOMEONE around, whether it be a resident, another CA, a supervisor, or just as a student: I'M ALWAYS AROUND PEOPLE. But the crazy part about it is regardless of how many people I have around, I still feel so lonely. I miss VA so much because I had all I needed there. I had my best friend. We were there for each other REGARDLESS. It didn't matter if we had nothing to do or tons, I always knew that if I needed anything (which was usually just someone to laugh with and make me forget about the world that bugs me) she would be there for me. I miss my family. I miss being able to come to my mom for anything and just sit with her and talk about life. I miss having my brothers around to make me laugh or just distract me from whatever. When I first got to college, I was just excited to be away from home. Now, all I can look forward to is going home. When I go home, I have my mom, I have Lauren, I have comfort and sanity that I don't have at school.

Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.

I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.

I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.

The more I sit here and think about this situation, I'm just about convinced that NO ONE would EVER think that this situation was OK! Let me type it out:
So, yesterday evening, Lauren calls me and says, "Hey, I was just letting you know that I'm leaving tonight and I probably won't be back." I'm like, "OK, where are you going?" Her response. To Shawntee's. I'm like, OK, are you sleeping over? Her response?Yea.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Shawntee is Lauren's EX-GIRLFRIEND. Supposedly, they are now "best friends". Question 1: Would you EVER be OK with your partner SLEEPING OVER at their EX'S house, regardless of if they are best friends OR if your partner is "really close" with their family?
So then, she gets mad at me because I went off. In my opinion, that shit is NOT COOL and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Lauren is 26 YEARS OLD.

YOU DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!!!!!!!

So then, she gets mad at ME for getting mad at HER that she thinks I shouldn't be MAD!

So what makes this even worse is ALL WEEK I had been saying to Lauren, "I have an issue with your relationship with Shawntee. I think that when I come to visit for the weekend, she should NOT you every day. OH! BUT GET THIS!!!!
When I came to see her last weekend, she says to me, "would you be mad at me if I left the house for a little bit?" I'm like, what do you mean 'leave the house'? Where are you trying to go and leave me here?! Her response? I NEED TO TAKE SHAWNTEE TO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.

QUESTION 2: If your girlfriend came THREE HOURS to see you and you don't see each other except every two/three weeks, WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER AT HOME SO YOU CAN GO TAKE YOU EX TO HER "AUNT'S HOUSE?!?!?!
NO! So then, I said, you know what?! Fuck this, so I called my mom and decided to go hang out with her for a little bit. THEN! When I get home, she gets mad at me and says, "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR ME!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! She says, "well, if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be able to stay attached at your hip all of the time." Huh?! WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER!

Anyways, I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I flipping out for no reason or am I entitled to be upset?

This house stuff

So, this living situation thing is really stressing me out. So, Lauren and I are SUPPOSED to be moving in together when I go home next Saturday. As much as I want to do it, and as much as I love Lauren, there are so many things in her life that I just can't get down with. I can't stand her drug use. I mean, I know it could be a lot worse but regardless of what it could be, I just don't like it. Period. I hate the smell of it, I hate how she acts on it even if she is acting rationally and I just don't like it. I guess how I feel about her woo use is similar to how some people feel about Marijuana. I don't know if I can live in a household where that's being done. On top of that, her relationship with her exes really bugs me and i don't like it. Namely with Shawntee, I fel like Shawntee is incredibly manipulative and adds nothing positive to Lauren's life except that they frequently smoke woo together and that Lauren is close to her family. Shawntee is not doing anything with her life and Shawntee & Lauren are talking constantly and it really bugs me that, especially when I'm in town for weekends, Shawntee insists on calling multiple times a day and it just bugs me because I feel like she should respect the fact that I'm in for the weekend and Lauren and she can't talk as often as they usually do. I guess I want so bad for us to keep progressing and I'm afraid that I can't deal with some of the things she has to offer. I have been incredibly quiet and subtle about her smoking woo, but as things could potentially get more serious, I'm afraid I can't handle it anymore than she has to offer. I really want to tell her "quit now, or I leave" but I know that won't work. I feel like she's constantly choosing the drug over me. I hate that Shawntee is such a shady person that Lauren wraps herself into. Her and Shawntee have the same dependent relationship from when they were together and i can't stand it. I don't think Shawntee should be allowed to smoke in our house. To be honest, i don't think Lauren should either. I don't trust that - after I leave for break - Lauren won't have her exes spending the night to "keep her company". I just don't know if I'm ready for this moving in thing until I'm permanently home and out of school. I just don't know if I'm as ready or I can handle all of this as well as I thought.