It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people yet STILL be alone. Being a CA, I always have SOMEONE around, whether it be a resident, another CA, a supervisor, or just as a student: I'M ALWAYS AROUND PEOPLE. But the crazy part about it is regardless of how many people I have around, I still feel so lonely. I miss VA so much because I had all I needed there. I had my best friend. We were there for each other REGARDLESS. It didn't matter if we had nothing to do or tons, I always knew that if I needed anything (which was usually just someone to laugh with and make me forget about the world that bugs me) she would be there for me. I miss my family. I miss being able to come to my mom for anything and just sit with her and talk about life. I miss having my brothers around to make me laugh or just distract me from whatever. When I first got to college, I was just excited to be away from home. Now, all I can look forward to is going home. When I go home, I have my mom, I have Lauren, I have comfort and sanity that I don't have at school.

Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.

I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.

I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.