It seems like the harder I try to get you to understand me, the further I push you away. I want more than anything to be with you and for us to be happy. I hate that it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can never seem to get it right. I love being around you, so when I come home, all I want is to be around you. But Cleveland is your home, not mine. And all I've ever wanted when i come home is not to take you away from your already existing life, but just to be an important part of it. Sometimes, I feel like you are the perfect manifestation of everything I've ever looked for in a partner: you've got the looks, the brain, the humor, the heart. And I think about how many great things we have experienced, the great things that you have done for me. I think about the time you came to see me during CA training and how your chief objective was just to bring me peace and make me feel at ease while I endured a rough two weeks. I remember when we went to Cheesecake Factory and took in the amazing scenery and stared into each others' eyes at dinner and talked and laughed about everything and nothing. I remember when we went shopping on the day before your birthday and were out ALL DAY just enjoying each other. There are so many good things we have experienced that, when I get angry, I totally forget about. Like I said, when I come home, I don't mind having to "fit" into your life because you're a busy woman. I don't ever look at you seeing me and me seeing you as a tally card as to who-did-what-how-many-times. However, it hurts me when I feel like, when I want you to come over to see me or if you have the car to just come by to say hi, that you will instead choose "other" things instead. I often find myself comparing what you do to what I do and it doesn't make sense because seeing you and being with you means the world to me. So, when you make the choice to not see me or when you tell me you will and then don't, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you. It makes me feel like I'm worthless to you and, in turn, everyone else. I know that I have a lot of issues with feeling important and being validated and it's not your job to "fix" my insecurities and my problems. If anything, I feel like because you know so well how much it affects me when my family and friends make me feel unimportant, it hurts so much more when you do or say things that make me feel like that. I feel like, "Lauren, you're supposed to be my rock. You know my heart, you know my fears. You know my pain." It just hurts so much more, I wish you knew how much you meant to me, how much I love you, how much I want you, how much I need you. I know you hate my anger. You hate my temper. You hate my instability. And I hate all of these things too. When I get angry, I can't see anything straight, I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't make any sense. It's like when I hurt, I can't be the only one hurt. I want you to be hurt, too. I can't make an excuse for why I do this, but it's a defense mechanism that I've picked up. I hate being hurt. I feel like pain for me is intensified x 30. I have dealt with - in my opinion - so much pain and rejection that, when I'm hurt or rejected, I don't know what else to do but to lash out. In theory, I just want to say to you "if you didn't hurt me, i wouldn't lash out", but unfortunately it's not that easy because sometimes I find myself taking things out on you. But, really, sometimes I wish you would just be mindful of me and how I might feel. I wish I could feel like your queen. I wish I could be there for you to support you and to be your rock just as you have been for me so many times. I wish I could be there to make you smile and laugh when you have a bad day. I wish I could be there when you come home to cook you dinner and hold you while you tell me about your day. I wish i could have you, Lauren, 100% of you. I know that you have your own demons and your own issues that you deal with, and my craziness probably does nothing to help it. I want to be there for you so bad as you try to move forward in your life. As I've always said, it would give me more joy than the world has to offer to be by your side as you walk through life. I hate that when I get angry, i lash out and call you every name in the book. It's not healthy nor is it right. I get so hurt by some things and I feel like, "why does she not care about me?" and I don't know what else to do. But I do know that if you love someone you should never talk to them the way I talk to you when I'm angry. But, then I ask myself, what do you do when you feel rejected by your partner and they don't seem to see or try to see how what they did, or didn't do, really hurt your feelings? You want them to understand, but then when I try to explain it, I just look like I'm trying to hoard you in a corner away from everyone else. You don't see it as me trying to spend time with the love of my life. I wish you could just see that me wanting to spend time with you was NOT about keep you away from people or to hoard you, I want to spend time with you because I am so happy and complete when I'm with you. because when I'm with you, I feel a new breath enter my lungs and I feel an extra bolt of energy. If I'm wrong for wanting to spend every waking minute with the love of my life even if only have mere seconds, than I'll be more than wrong. I can't express to you how much I love you nor can I express to you how sorry I am that I have emotionally hurt you with my words. I know that I have a lot of issues I need to work on, and I try so so so hard to fight my angry demons. It may not seem like it, but i've been fighting myself and trying to not let the small things get to me. I've tried so hard. It seems that more than I succeed, i fail at trying to calm myself down and trying to communicate effectively. More than anything, I wish you could be there for me as my rock to help me deal with my demons. I wish I could go to Couple's counseling with you so we could work out some of our issues. More than anything I want to be with you. I've tried to fight it, but it's not possible. I know that we have had a rocky six months, but despite that, I do not believe for a second that we CANNOT be happy and fulfill each other because it HAS happened and continues to happen. I don't want us to just "work out", I want us to be happy, I want us to complete each other. I, like you, am tired of the fights & the drama and the screaming and the crying and the drinking and the drugs and the cutting and the bullshit. I'm tired. I'm ready to be happy. I want more than anything to be happy with you. I want to work through ALLLLL of the bullshit, pick up the broken pieces and find a glue that will TRULY keep it together. I want you to trust my emotions, and trust my heart. I want to trust your sincerity, and trust your heart. I know none of this comes easy, but I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for what I feel in my heart is meant to be, even though sometimes people on the outside would wonder "are you fucking crazy?!" Yea, I am crazy, but I'm also a human and I have the ability to reason and in retrospect, I see that we both have made plenty of mistakes, but mistakes shouldn't be the cancer that kills us. Mistakes can be salvaged, they can be looked at and you can learn from them. If anything that I get from this, I hope that you can just understand where I come from and where my anger comes from. I want you to hear me and hear the sincerity in my heart that I do not want to hurt you anymore. I want you to feel that I am in love with you and that no matter what words have been said out of anger and spite, that I truly do believe you are a beautiful, talented, smart, hilarious, sensitive, and loving person. I love you and I will never stop. I hope that you can see that. If you choose to never be with me again, I will find the strength - whether it be through renewed faith, my family, working, something- to let you move on and pursue your own happiness. It hurts so much to even write that because I just want to scream "PLEASE SEE THAT HAPPINESS IN ME!" I hope you hear my words and you hear my heart. I love Lauren. I love you so much. You will always be my goosey.