yep, still gettin' on my nerves

God, she gets on my nerves. Ya know what really annoys me? Is how she'll say she thinks we should just go to sleep so our issues will be "slept away", but then when I wake up and I'm still angry she gets mad! I mean, Lauren, you'd think you would have me figured it out by now. Anywho, so she really annoyed me today. I wish I had someone I could flirt with or just make me feel better; more or less, I just need some Friday validation and the LAST thing I want to do is be on duty tonight. I need a drink so bad. I need to go to the store and get some food & some cigs & yea. Maybe some vodka would be nice too. She just perturbs me. Some of the shit she says, it's just like, "really?!" I mean, she "says" she wants me to live with her when she gets her place, but then again it's like I feel like us living together may be complete chaos. She'd get jealous & angry if I left the house but then would feel like I shouldn't have any problem with her going out. She wants me to live with her when she's a frequent and habitual user of drugs. I can't live with a drug user. She claims she "doesn't want to live without me" but her actions and even some of her words contradict that. I just don't know if I believe it. And sadly, it only takes a night like last night to make me re-think EVERYTHING she's ever said to me. And I feel like if she were to get this place and I were to stay that Shawntee or Dominique or whomever would be over there ALL the time. IT IS NOT THEIR HOUSE! I just don't know how well I see us living together working out. And although she "claims" she wants to be with me for "the rest of her life", she's so unwilling to change any of her habits for me, while I've gone out of my way to change for her. But isn't that the way it always goes? Whatever, she's getting on my nerves and I really wish Amie were here. I miss having a BFF here. Anywho, enough venting for the time being. I'm not going to waste any more time or energy on her ass today. Whateva!

Wondering when it will all end

Is this woo shit ever going to end? It's so fucking frustrating. I REALLY HATE THIS FUCKING DRUG. Then I ask myself, well, if it were marijuana would I really give a damn? I mean, it's so frustrating because when she's on this drug she acts SO STUPID. She can't take care of herself. It's like, why would you do something where you may need a friggin babysitter in case you can't control yourself? And honestly, I wouldn't care if she hung out with freakin' Shawntee's ass if they could manage to hang out and be sober. It's like their friendship is dependent on their drug usage.

I just, I love her so much but this drug it is just getting old. I'm slightly bitter because she was supposed to start school on Monday and I am really scared that I'll graduate and start to look for a career and she'll still be where she is now. I just don't know how much more of this drug I can handle. When it gets bad, she tells me she'll quit and she doesn't want to do it anymore. Then she tells me that she "won't explain herself anymore" as to why she does it. But it's not like she does it only when she's going through shit, she does it when she feels like it. There's no rhyme or reason to her use. It doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could just...deal with it, but it's like I feel stupid for having faith that she'll quit because every time she says she will. she doesn't. I got her this video game for her birthday because she said it will help her deal, but it's not like she's using it to her cope. She's still using the drug. I got her an mp3 player so she could deal, but it's like she's using that either. I mean, I know it's only been a little less than a week since she had it, but I'm bitter because I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to steer her away from this drug and no matter what I do she's still using. Do I really just have to accept that she uses? I DON'T WANT TO.

I'm so sick of it. Here we are, four months later, she promised it would be done in July. It's now almost November. This drug is really one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issue in our relationship. Then she always always wants to make this comparison to me and my drinking but I feel like the two are totally not comparable. Am I enabling her by staying and not taking a stand? I'm trying to be there for her, but it gets harder when I just feel like my feelings towards this drug are totally not even taken into consideration. I know I can't change her, but part of me believes if I stick around she'll quit. I stay because I see how she truly is when she's not on it. I see how she is when it's just she and I. She took her drug test today for work and I kinda knew the day that she took her pee test she'd go smoke. I just don't get it. Just because you went and took your drug test doesn't mean that it's all of a sudden the cue to go smoke!

Like, for real. This is so. fucking. FRUSTRATING. Why am I so hurt by this? Why does my heart sink when I know she's smoking? And it's crazy because she doesn't even have to tell me; I just know. For instance, after a certain point and I hadn't heard from her, I just knew what was happening. And now, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I'm so angry yet all I want to do is hear her voice so I can know she's OK. And even if I were to fall asleep, she'd wake me up and then I'd be furious and so it's a catch 22. Do I stay up now and allow myself to stay furious or do I just go to sleep so I can wake up furious? Why do I have to be fucking furious? This drug totally disillusions me from the rest of our relationship. And I think I jinx myself when I start to fall in love all over again. It's like every time I get all re-in love'd is when she smokes. Do I just quit getting excited about her and our relationship?

I just am preparing myself for her calling me high and acting like a jack ass. And the sad thing? I tolerate it. And I go back and forth with "it's not so bad" but really, IT IS! Seriously, when will it all end? Does she really think I want to live with her while she's still using? Sometimes I truly think the only way to get her to quit is to start a family. But I should want a family because I want one, not because I feel like it will get Lauren on track. It's like why can't she want to get on track for us? We have all of these things that we talk about doing but how the fuck are we supposed to do them if she's got this fucking expensive ass habit? I just want her to go to school, get a better job, get a place, get a car and BE HAPPY AND SOBER.

I wish this tightness in my chest would go away. Every minute that passes and the phone doesn't ring I get so nervous and upset. Part of me doesn't even want to answer the phone but i don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm not stupid, either. I try to tell myself "just get over it, try not to make a big deal out of it" but I just can't. If it's a big deal to me, then it should be a big deal to her. I would hate for our relationship to fall apart because of this drug but I can't even freakin' trust her.

Despite how much I love her, I just don't know how much deeper I can get into this relationship if she keeps using. Do I want to live with her if she's going to bring that shit into our house? No. Do I want to start a family with a frequent and habitual user of drugs? NOOO. I just don't know how much further I can continue to go if she just won't change. I feel like eventually it's going to come down to the drug or me. I can't bring her around my family or friends if she's going to continue to use. I can't do it. God, why can't she just get her shit together? Why do I have to feel like this? Why does she have to be so selfish sometimes?

I have so much shit going through my head right now. I'm so hurt, confused, angry, frustrated, unsure, etc., etc. All I can do is just sigh deeply, pray that she'll call, and then try to pick up the pieces. I don't deserve to be hurt like this over something so trivial.

I just wanted to write and say that I am so in love with my Lauren. She makes me whole. I am so happy with her and I swear that every day, no matter what we go through, I find myself falling for her more and more and seriously feeling like she's "the one". I can't believe this, but I swear she's going to be my wife.

So, I'm pretty pumped about next weekend. Not so much this weekend, considering I'm on duty and have this stupid Race Dialogue thing that CA's have to do that is driving me borderline BANANAS! Well, anyways, next weekend is My Lauren's 26th birthday and I'm going to be making an appearance in Cleveland to celebrate with my darling. I am taking the bus (big thumbs down) because 1) my license is suspended and 2) because I don't want to drive my car down there now if I also plan on coming back home like three or four weeks later for winter break. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of nervous about it, because there is GUARANTEED interaction between her friends and I (whom saying I strongly dislike is quite the understatement) but I'm really trying to get myself in the state of mind to just say "meh, fuck 'em" and really try to enjoy myself with Lauren as much as I can. I really want her birthday to be fun and I want her to feel special. I want to buy her an mp3 player for her birthday, but depending on funds, it may have to wait until I get paid at my next check. I do know that I'm DEFINITELY getting her a birthday cake, some balloons, and I really want to get her a Build-A-Bear, but I also know that I'm on a budget and can't be buying stuff all willy nilly. I'm kind of annoyed with my credit card because I was really looking forward to having a little more cash, but I guess I also have to pay off my damn Fairborn ticket already. I am so sick of all these damn tickets. I just got another fucking ticket in the mail today. What's my fucking luck, right?! Anywho, I wish my boss would write me back already about X-Mas break because I really would like to come back and work but, as usual, she's taking forever and that kinda bugs me because i don't like waiting around all willy nilly. Oh well. I also want to make sure I look FABULOUS when I go home for my babe's birthday. I know she's going to look A-MAZING and so I have to show up and look my best as well. I can't believe she's going to be 26 freakin' years old. She'll be 30 in four years!!! That's crazy. It never really dawns on me that she's just about four years older than me. I really really really just hope that her birthday is great, no drama with me & her friends, with her family and her, and it's just a good weekend. I REALLY hope she stays DRUG FREE and that it's a great weekend. I miss her and love her so much! I just can't wait to hug her and kiss her all weekend and just be with her. I know it will be fun. Part of me is still considering driving, but it is very risky, especially with a suspended license. But, we'll see. Anywho, all I know is I love my darling and I am so excited to see her next week to celebrate her 26 years of life. And, I really need to workout already because I am o-bese.OHHHBESSEEE. It's actually pretty gross and I'm slightly disgusted with myself. When will the madness stop?! Can I just go back to how I used to be without a problem? Why am I so tempted to eat shitty food all the time?! MAKE THESE BAD HABITS GO NOW!

Frustrated & Unappreciated

So, I'm kind of frustrated right now. Sometimes I wonder why I try to be so tolerant and so understanding towards her but I don't think she does the same. Today, I have some sorta icky cramps. They aren't as bad as they usually are, but they're still bugging me nonetheless. On top of that, I'm kind of aggravated still from her smoking last night. So, today I'm trying to be in a better mood but at the same time just kinda trying not to be too emotionally involved just because I'm irritated. Then, when I get on the phone, she says that she's "not sure" if she wants to be on the phone with me because my "tone" is "sharp". Huh?!?! I mean - first of all - if I'm your partner you should want to be there and talk to me, ESPECIALLY if I'm not feeling too great! Secondly, of ALL the times I've been on the phone with her and sat through her come so short of verbally bashing me and treating me like dirt, she could AT LEAST have the patience to sit through me having freakin' cramps. It just bugs me sometimes how I feel like I am really trying to completely change myself to be a better person so that WE can be happy together but she still can't even pretend like she can be there for me the way I feel like I try to be there for her. Sometimes I feel like she owes me a lot emotionally because of what I have to go through with her and her drug use, but she doesn't see it. I feel like I put up with SO MUCH because I truly want to believe that she'll quit, but she takes advantage of my patience. And then, she gets mad when I bring up the subject. One thing is for sure: drug addicts are selfish people. She wants me to be patient with her and I truly want to as well, but it bugs me - for instance - how last night I was on the internet WITH her looking up stuff with her so she can go back to school, but when i call her today I reminded her to call them! ?!?!?! I feel like she should have been up this morning and the first thing she should've been doing is making phone calls. I mean, am I wasting this energy on someone who - at the end of the day - is just complacent with their life?! She says she wants to have and do all of these things, but her life choices prove otherwise. We had this pseudo-funny conversation yesterday about "living in a cardboard mansion" and, at the time, it was funny. I wonder if it's really a joke. I just can't stand people with potential who squander their aspirations for no good reason. And what's crazy is I can see all this potential in her, but if she doesn't see it in herself, it's useless.

Anywho, it's off to cramp land to try not to be so aggravated right now. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid we'll only argue. Bah. I'm just aggravated!

Catch 22

Every minute that passes that I don't hear from her, I get more and more worried. I hate that I don't know where she is or if she's OK. I get this sick feeling in my stomach, like something just isn't right but my heart says, "oh, she's fine. Just wait." But I just begin to worry. Where is she? Why haven't I heard from her? I hate this feeling. Times like this I feel terrible that she doesn't have her cell phone. I just want to know she's OK. I don't care what she's doing and it truly has nothing to do with me wanting to check up on her, it's wanting to know that she's SAFE. And as I write this, I still am just waiting...patiently. Praying that with every word that I write she is that much closer to calling me.

12:30AM
Well, I guess at least she's safe. But unfortunately, she's high as well. Ugh. I mean, is she EVER going to quit this? It's so frustrating! I feel like it's a curse. I can never get used to anything going well because she just HAS to go and get high and just make me feel so unsure about everything. I just can't stand her when she fucking smokes this shit. The minute she called me, it was like a Catch 22. I'm happy to hear her voice, but I hate how she acts and talks to me when she's high. I HATE THIS LAUREN. She will never understand how much it hurts me to hear her like this, or tolerate her like this. But you know what's crazy? I LOVE HER. I love her for every time she talks to me like I'm some random girl off the street, how she just abruptly wants to hang up whenever we have any kind of heated argument, how she thinks that it's OK to hit me in the face - even if it is "soft". More importantly, I love her because she is sweet, and affectionate, caring, FUNNY, intelligent, protective and passionate. Every minute I go throughout the day and I think about her. I think about her when I'm in class, at work, just walking, driving, doing homework, doing something CA related, ANYTHING. She's always on my mind. I am so in love with her. I want to be with her and put forth all the effort in the world to be her wife and make her the happiest Lauren in the world. I want to protect her from all of the ills I can that she could be presented with for the rest of her life and be the woman to always have her back no matter what goes down. I want her to be my best friend and be there for me in every possible way. I am so fucking in love and committed to her. I would marry her regardless of the minute or second of the day. SHE IS THE SOLE POSSESSOR OF MY HEART.

God, I just wish she'd quit. Not for me, and not for us: for HER.