Wondering when it will all end

Is this woo shit ever going to end? It's so fucking frustrating. I REALLY HATE THIS FUCKING DRUG. Then I ask myself, well, if it were marijuana would I really give a damn? I mean, it's so frustrating because when she's on this drug she acts SO STUPID. She can't take care of herself. It's like, why would you do something where you may need a friggin babysitter in case you can't control yourself? And honestly, I wouldn't care if she hung out with freakin' Shawntee's ass if they could manage to hang out and be sober. It's like their friendship is dependent on their drug usage.

I just, I love her so much but this drug it is just getting old. I'm slightly bitter because she was supposed to start school on Monday and I am really scared that I'll graduate and start to look for a career and she'll still be where she is now. I just don't know how much more of this drug I can handle. When it gets bad, she tells me she'll quit and she doesn't want to do it anymore. Then she tells me that she "won't explain herself anymore" as to why she does it. But it's not like she does it only when she's going through shit, she does it when she feels like it. There's no rhyme or reason to her use. It doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could just...deal with it, but it's like I feel stupid for having faith that she'll quit because every time she says she will. she doesn't. I got her this video game for her birthday because she said it will help her deal, but it's not like she's using it to her cope. She's still using the drug. I got her an mp3 player so she could deal, but it's like she's using that either. I mean, I know it's only been a little less than a week since she had it, but I'm bitter because I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to steer her away from this drug and no matter what I do she's still using. Do I really just have to accept that she uses? I DON'T WANT TO.

I'm so sick of it. Here we are, four months later, she promised it would be done in July. It's now almost November. This drug is really one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issue in our relationship. Then she always always wants to make this comparison to me and my drinking but I feel like the two are totally not comparable. Am I enabling her by staying and not taking a stand? I'm trying to be there for her, but it gets harder when I just feel like my feelings towards this drug are totally not even taken into consideration. I know I can't change her, but part of me believes if I stick around she'll quit. I stay because I see how she truly is when she's not on it. I see how she is when it's just she and I. She took her drug test today for work and I kinda knew the day that she took her pee test she'd go smoke. I just don't get it. Just because you went and took your drug test doesn't mean that it's all of a sudden the cue to go smoke!

Like, for real. This is so. fucking. FRUSTRATING. Why am I so hurt by this? Why does my heart sink when I know she's smoking? And it's crazy because she doesn't even have to tell me; I just know. For instance, after a certain point and I hadn't heard from her, I just knew what was happening. And now, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I'm so angry yet all I want to do is hear her voice so I can know she's OK. And even if I were to fall asleep, she'd wake me up and then I'd be furious and so it's a catch 22. Do I stay up now and allow myself to stay furious or do I just go to sleep so I can wake up furious? Why do I have to be fucking furious? This drug totally disillusions me from the rest of our relationship. And I think I jinx myself when I start to fall in love all over again. It's like every time I get all re-in love'd is when she smokes. Do I just quit getting excited about her and our relationship?

I just am preparing myself for her calling me high and acting like a jack ass. And the sad thing? I tolerate it. And I go back and forth with "it's not so bad" but really, IT IS! Seriously, when will it all end? Does she really think I want to live with her while she's still using? Sometimes I truly think the only way to get her to quit is to start a family. But I should want a family because I want one, not because I feel like it will get Lauren on track. It's like why can't she want to get on track for us? We have all of these things that we talk about doing but how the fuck are we supposed to do them if she's got this fucking expensive ass habit? I just want her to go to school, get a better job, get a place, get a car and BE HAPPY AND SOBER.

I wish this tightness in my chest would go away. Every minute that passes and the phone doesn't ring I get so nervous and upset. Part of me doesn't even want to answer the phone but i don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm not stupid, either. I try to tell myself "just get over it, try not to make a big deal out of it" but I just can't. If it's a big deal to me, then it should be a big deal to her. I would hate for our relationship to fall apart because of this drug but I can't even freakin' trust her.

Despite how much I love her, I just don't know how much deeper I can get into this relationship if she keeps using. Do I want to live with her if she's going to bring that shit into our house? No. Do I want to start a family with a frequent and habitual user of drugs? NOOO. I just don't know how much further I can continue to go if she just won't change. I feel like eventually it's going to come down to the drug or me. I can't bring her around my family or friends if she's going to continue to use. I can't do it. God, why can't she just get her shit together? Why do I have to feel like this? Why does she have to be so selfish sometimes?

I have so much shit going through my head right now. I'm so hurt, confused, angry, frustrated, unsure, etc., etc. All I can do is just sigh deeply, pray that she'll call, and then try to pick up the pieces. I don't deserve to be hurt like this over something so trivial.