I just miss her.

I miss her something terrible right now. It's only been a day since I've last seen her and she's consumed my thoughts since the second I left her. I am so in love with Lauren. From the moment I met her two years ago I thought there was something special about her. Something that I wanted for myself and something that I wanted to explore on my own. Now, here we are years later - together - and committed to each other more than I ever anticipated. I don't think I ever anticipated Lauren to be the kind of partner that she is to me. She has surpassed any expectations I ever set forth for her at the beginning of our relationship. I honestly never thought our relationship would get past like the first couple of weeks. Things were so intense and seemingly so fast that I just knew we would implode almost immediately. We had so many trust issues between us at the beginning I wasn't sure if we'd ever be able to trust each other or get past our distrust for our pasts and our exes to really connect with each other on a deeper level.

Then, as we started to get more comfortable with each other, we started to notice the trust issue wasn't going anywhere. Then, as she got more stressed and I got more stressed we continued to push each other to the edge to test our devotions to this relationship and each other. She turned to "woo" and her use put a huge strain on our relationship. It had begun to consume her life and it in turn affected mine. I tried to be there for her in the best way I could, but no matter how hard it seemed like she continued to use and it was just putting a serious strain on our relationship.

Then, she comes here on Saturday morning after arguing almost the entire night before and tons of "well, don't come then! If you don't wanna come, then don't!" Or "ya know what, I'm not coming to see you" and finally she gets here and everything that we had been going through for the weeks before was suddenly overshadowed by the fact that, here we were - together - after almost three weeks of separation and arguments for days. And when we looked at each other we were still so angry at each other, but we couldn't hide the fact that we were still in love, and we knew that the purpose of this specific visit was to figure out what freakin' direction we were going to go in. She looked at me and smiled angrily. I knew she was happy to see me, but she was too angry to show it. I went to hug her and she hugged me with an angry resistance.

We finally got in the car, and we were still mad at each other but the minute we got to my house and we finally hugged and she kissed me, I knew we would be OK. We laid down, and she held me as she does. I felt sure again. And all weekend, we talked, we argued, we yelled, we wrestled, we cried, and most importantly we loved. We overcame so many hurdles this weekend of understanding the root of a lot of our issues: insecurity. But I also learned that I have an amazing woman in my life. I learned that i have a strong, beautiful, admirable woman who is like everybody else. I learned how much she loves me and how much my happiness affects her happiness. I learned that she has goals and aspirations that are incredibly similar to mine. I learned that my woman is quirky and weird and has a sensitive but funny sense of humor. Oh, and our sex life is absolutely amazing. But oddly, while the animal sex was fun, it was when she gave me a full body massage after I got out of the shower and kissed me all over my body that is forever imprinted in my mind. With every kiss, I would learn a new reason she loved me.

And when she left, it was so weird. It never really hit me that she left until after I left her. The minute I walked out of the door and i was alone. When I turned around and she wasn't there anymore. When I got back to my room and all I saw was her hat and her shirt, I knew that what was just a roll in the bed was now 200 miles away from me, to only wait for the next time to rub her face and kiss her in the middle of the night and tell her "I love her".

I fell in love with Lauren all over again this weekend. I learned that the road ahead of us is certainly not going to be easy, but I learned that with perseverance, love, strength, and trust that we can make it happen. I know that this is only the beginning for us and we will have so many more obstacles to overcome, but I also know that if you want something bad enough you will find a way to make it work.


I am in love with Lauren. And she loves me.