Situations that make me rage at Lauren -
1. Drugs
2. feeling disrespected by her exes regardless if there's any merit
3. not having my feelings respected or considered

When I rage, I know the logical solution is to wait until I'm calm to talk, but I get so furious that I need to scream and I need to talk it out just this second. However, the problem with this is when I get angry I have a tendency to say the first thing that comes to my mind and i tend to be extreme in my thinking and become incredibly illogical and disrespectful and then later regret it. I don't know what sets me off to the point where I get enraged. No situation should enrage me the way they do. I need to remind myself when I get angry that it is not always the best idea to talk it out right this second. I need to come up with more productive strategies to handle my anger. I need to learn to walk away from situations with Lauren and breathe and gather my thoughts as opposed to just saying them as they come to my head. I hate who I become when I get that angry but I can't justify to myself that I don't want to see that person again. I don't know why things Lauren does has a tendency to make me so angry. In retrospect, some of the things she does aren't that bad, but I think when I feel like any of the three things mentioned above happen, I feel insecure and then I feel like I don't matter and I am somewhat worthless or unappreciated and in turn, because my love for her is more intense than any love I've ever experienced, I develop an all or nothing mentality to where self-harm seems to be the only solution to numb the pain/make her feel bad for "hurting" me. But in reality, my self harm does nothing to keep her around; in fact it pushes her away. But in my mind - when I'm angry - "if she loved me she'd stop doing things so I wouldn't want to hurt myself". But if I learn to control my anger, self-harm will no longer be an issue. I need to calm down to truly assess the situation and learn to communicate more effectively with her and others. I need to become more secure and trusting so I don't feel threatened and accept that I can't control anything but myself. I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable/less crazy. I need to do things and learn to not hang them over people's heads as my father used to do to me. I need to become a more loving and understanding partner who can communicate effectively and be more understanding of our differences and embrace our similarities. I need to learn to just breathe...