When committing an act that society deems as deviant, criminal actors will create different motives and excuses to justify their behavior. Even when justifying crimes deemed heinous such as rape, those who commit these acts tend to come up with their own reasons why their actions are not as deviant as the rest of society views them. Per the book Constructions of Deviance, rapists develop their own vocabulary of motives to credit their behavor as acceptable. Moreover, these deviants were likely to justify their behavior by using one of five excuses for their actions.
The first excuse given is that women are seductresses. This implies that women present themselves in a manner that is essentially enticing the deviant actor to pursue ger for a sexual encounter. Secondly, these deviant actors may claim that women mean "yes" when they say "no". This justification attempts to discredit a woman's ability to make independent decisions and almost implies that her saying "no" is a means of trying to further seduce the rapist.
A third justification is that most women eventualy relax and enjoy it. This idea of being persistent attempts to say that most women are uncomfortable at the beginning of a sexual encounter; however, as time and effort persists, she will eventually calm down and allow herself to enjoy the experience. Moreover, another justiftication is that "nice girls don't get raped". This justification does not necessarily discredit the rapist's actions, but mostly discredit's the victims character. It implies that the victim deserved to be raped. Lastly, a rapist wil say that the act is only a minor wrongdoing. In this case, the rapist does not deny accountability, but instead downplays the gravity of their actions as only being something minor.
However, their are also rapists who acknowledge their wrongdoing and fully blame themselves for the rape occurring and not the victim. They view their actions as being morally unjustifiable and, in turn view themselves as repulsive and vile beings. For individuals who justify their actions, their excuses for their actions are designed for outsiders. However, for the case of those who internalize their criminal behavior, their excuses are designed for themselves to encourage them to have piece within themselves.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Social Psychology Midterm
Stereotyping can be defined as "beliefs aboult social groups in terms of the traits or characteristics they they are deemed to share". With stereotying, it is easier to judge an entire group as all being alike as opposed to viewing one's own group as being the same. While members of the group in question are perceived as all possessing the same traits, one will view his own group as having autonomous members who are all different from each other. The idea of seeing members of the opposing group as all being the same is known as out-group homogeneity. Additionally, viewing members of one's own group as being different and not like one another is known as in-group differentiation. Sometimes, members of the minority group see themselves and other members of their group as being alike since they share common experiences and may seem more similar amongst each other than to the stereotyping group. This is referred to as in-group homogeneity. Stereotyping can be seen as very similar to prejudice in that it involves creating an opinion on another person or group based on ignorance. Prejudice, which is a negative attitude towards a certain group, has been prevalent in society for many years. However, there are differing opinions as to how prejudices are formed and how to combat them. In looking at four theories on the development of prejudice - realistic conflict theory, social learning, social cognition, and social categorization - one can determine the root of this attitude as well as attempt to develop new strategies to combat these negative attitudes.
One way in which prejudice can develop is when two groups, both of which who are competing for the same things, begin to look at the other as an opponent. This concept is best exemplified in Realistic Conflict theory. Realistic Conflict theory suggests that when two groups are both striving for the same desirable items in life such as homes, cars, jobs, and other material possessions to enhance one's fulfillment within their own life, they may tend to look at others who are striving for the same things as competition. By looking at these individuals as opponents, they may label those in competition with them as rivals, and see themselves and their quest for these items as superior to the needs of others. Additionally, this view may cause those who see their quest as being superior will attempt to marginalize other groups as a means to justify why they deserve these things more than others.
Sometimes, one's distorted views of others can come from their experiences in certain situations. The Social learning view states that children develop their prejudice attitudes from observing people who display prejudice attitudes. Further, when these children mimic this behavior and receive positive reinforcement, these prejudices are further engrained in their minds as being acceptable. These attitudes will be carried with these children as they develop into adolescene and adulthood. While the Social Learning view determines that prejudices are developed during crucial learning periods of childhood, individuals who may be shunned later on in life by others as a result of these attitudes will have a tendency to surround themselves with people with similar views. In contrast, the more a person is exposed to differing viewpoints on other people and situations, it is likely that these attitudes can be diminished and changed. Social learning correlates to Social Cognition in that they both deal with how an individual's interactions with the world can affect how one will inevitably view the world. Social cognition can be defined as "the manner in which we interpret, analyze, remember, and use information about the social world." One's social cognition is dependent on his or her daily interactions with the world in which one lives. As we go through our own set of unique experiences daily, we will interpret situations as we see them and, in turn, develop our attitudes and behaviors based on what we see.
In determining one's place within society, we soon realize that we all fall into some kind of social category. Once we begin to categorize ourselves, we may start to view society with an "us" versus "them" mentality. Moreover, by looking at the view with this divisive mindframe, we will start perceive those who are not in the same category as "us" as different and, in turn, our inference of others will be misconstrued and create prejudice. The idea of forming social groupings is also known as Social categorization.
Social categorization is unique in that there are no definite qualifications for in-groups ("us") and out-groups ("them"). For example, to some people, shoes are incredibly important; moreover, an individual who places a high status on the quality of one's shoes may have a distorted view of people who choose to adorn themselves with nice shoes as opposed to those who are more apathetic to shoe branding and quality. To some people, social categorization may seem like a harmless social activity in which everyone participates. However, this process can have negative consequences in that, people have a tendency to create negative viewpoints about those who we see as being different and not in the same category as us.
Some people believe if people were to see themselves as member of a much larger group, it is possible to reduce the amount of prejudice towards others in a perceived minority group. According to the common in-group identity model, as stated on page 245 of Social Psychology, "to the extent individuals in different groups view themselves as members of a single social entity, inter-group bias will be reduced". More generally, if people were to see themselves and others as a member of "the human race" as opposed to member of several different smaller groups, the sense of community would be larger and there would be less need to reach inferences about an individual who is a member of the group to which you also belong.
While the attitudes created by stereotypes and prejudice seem inevitable, some people believe that there are ways to combat these ideas in order to create a more just society. One way in which psychologists believe that prejudice can be combatted is contact hypothesis. Contact hypothesis suggests that by exposing people with prejudices to the people about which they have a prejudice, they can use these interactions to change their opinions about these people. Moreover, they can also see that these people who they have formed these negative attitudes about actually have similarities to themselves. By seeing oneself in another, it can reduce these ideas about members of other groups.
Additionally, another possibly way to change these attitudes is to attach consequences to those who display these beliefs. the idea of collective guilt suggests that when a person is confronted with "the harm that their group's prejudice has had" on another group, they will in turn feel "guilt by association".When the perpetrator of prejudice feels collective guilt for their behaviors, they are less likely to show prejudice behaviors for the sake of not reliving these experiences.
Within my lifetime, I have been a victim of prejudice. Growing up, I have always been an athlete and have played at varsity levels throughout
One way in which prejudice can develop is when two groups, both of which who are competing for the same things, begin to look at the other as an opponent. This concept is best exemplified in Realistic Conflict theory. Realistic Conflict theory suggests that when two groups are both striving for the same desirable items in life such as homes, cars, jobs, and other material possessions to enhance one's fulfillment within their own life, they may tend to look at others who are striving for the same things as competition. By looking at these individuals as opponents, they may label those in competition with them as rivals, and see themselves and their quest for these items as superior to the needs of others. Additionally, this view may cause those who see their quest as being superior will attempt to marginalize other groups as a means to justify why they deserve these things more than others.
Sometimes, one's distorted views of others can come from their experiences in certain situations. The Social learning view states that children develop their prejudice attitudes from observing people who display prejudice attitudes. Further, when these children mimic this behavior and receive positive reinforcement, these prejudices are further engrained in their minds as being acceptable. These attitudes will be carried with these children as they develop into adolescene and adulthood. While the Social Learning view determines that prejudices are developed during crucial learning periods of childhood, individuals who may be shunned later on in life by others as a result of these attitudes will have a tendency to surround themselves with people with similar views. In contrast, the more a person is exposed to differing viewpoints on other people and situations, it is likely that these attitudes can be diminished and changed. Social learning correlates to Social Cognition in that they both deal with how an individual's interactions with the world can affect how one will inevitably view the world. Social cognition can be defined as "the manner in which we interpret, analyze, remember, and use information about the social world." One's social cognition is dependent on his or her daily interactions with the world in which one lives. As we go through our own set of unique experiences daily, we will interpret situations as we see them and, in turn, develop our attitudes and behaviors based on what we see.
In determining one's place within society, we soon realize that we all fall into some kind of social category. Once we begin to categorize ourselves, we may start to view society with an "us" versus "them" mentality. Moreover, by looking at the view with this divisive mindframe, we will start perceive those who are not in the same category as "us" as different and, in turn, our inference of others will be misconstrued and create prejudice. The idea of forming social groupings is also known as Social categorization.
Social categorization is unique in that there are no definite qualifications for in-groups ("us") and out-groups ("them"). For example, to some people, shoes are incredibly important; moreover, an individual who places a high status on the quality of one's shoes may have a distorted view of people who choose to adorn themselves with nice shoes as opposed to those who are more apathetic to shoe branding and quality. To some people, social categorization may seem like a harmless social activity in which everyone participates. However, this process can have negative consequences in that, people have a tendency to create negative viewpoints about those who we see as being different and not in the same category as us.
Some people believe if people were to see themselves as member of a much larger group, it is possible to reduce the amount of prejudice towards others in a perceived minority group. According to the common in-group identity model, as stated on page 245 of Social Psychology, "to the extent individuals in different groups view themselves as members of a single social entity, inter-group bias will be reduced". More generally, if people were to see themselves and others as a member of "the human race" as opposed to member of several different smaller groups, the sense of community would be larger and there would be less need to reach inferences about an individual who is a member of the group to which you also belong.
While the attitudes created by stereotypes and prejudice seem inevitable, some people believe that there are ways to combat these ideas in order to create a more just society. One way in which psychologists believe that prejudice can be combatted is contact hypothesis. Contact hypothesis suggests that by exposing people with prejudices to the people about which they have a prejudice, they can use these interactions to change their opinions about these people. Moreover, they can also see that these people who they have formed these negative attitudes about actually have similarities to themselves. By seeing oneself in another, it can reduce these ideas about members of other groups.
Additionally, another possibly way to change these attitudes is to attach consequences to those who display these beliefs. the idea of collective guilt suggests that when a person is confronted with "the harm that their group's prejudice has had" on another group, they will in turn feel "guilt by association".When the perpetrator of prejudice feels collective guilt for their behaviors, they are less likely to show prejudice behaviors for the sake of not reliving these experiences.
Within my lifetime, I have been a victim of prejudice. Growing up, I have always been an athlete and have played at varsity levels throughout
Monday, February 4, 2008
Shawshank Redemption Paper
In society, one of the most popular forms of punishment for deviant individuals who commit criminal acts is to send them to a correctional facility. Although the rest of society has rejected this person as a result of this behavior - in a restricted setting like prison - people begin to adapt to their surroundings. Inevitably, the longer one stays in this setting, the more institutionalized people become. Criminals will soon readily accept their status as a prisoner as well as establish a new identity within this community. In the film Shawshank Redemption, this is further explored as it follows several characters who spend a significant amount of time being incarcerated. Through their time in jail, they learn to adapt to to their surroundings and essentially create a society in which they are functioning and important members. However, as the incarcerated band together, those who are in charge of them may abuse their power in an attempt to further demoralize the prisoners and increase their own personal and economic gain. By attempting to understand sociological theories such as Functionalism and the Conflict Theory, one can better understand the rationale for some of the behaviors shown by the characters as portrayed in Shawshank Redemption.
The ability to feel like an active member of a society offers fulfillment not only to the person initiating their role in society, but also to others around them. Without the ability to feel like a productive member of society, an individual will feel without purpose and in turn strive to find a way to achieve an accepted role within their community. This desire to be a functioning member of a society is explored in the Functionalism theory. Functionalism can be described as the interdependence of several different aspects of society to create a place where one's individual needs are met. Moreover, while a society has several different parts that make each section unique, it is also vital that all of these pieces coincide to create a stable and homoegenous unit.
With one piece of society out of order, the rest will follow suit and gradually disintegrate until equilibrium is reestablished. Because of the sensitive infrastructures of civilzation, individuals looking to integrate into their respective community will try to find their niche and use it to establish important roles so they can become an essential part of their surroundings.
In a more restrictive setting like prison, it is more difficult to establish the same homogeneity because the individuals that make up that society are individuals who have already disrupted the civility in mainstream. Moreover, in Shawshank Redemption, two characters, Red and Brooks, learn to integrate themselves into the Prison community and create a sense of equilibrium without completely disrupting their already uncertain environment.
The character Red in Shawshank Redemption utilizes his ability to network as well as his rapport with other prisoners to become a staple within the prison community. Known as "the guy to go to when you need something", Red establishes himself as a respected member of this society and, in turn, offers stability to the rest of the prison population by offering his services to individuals in efforts to create a more comfortable and consistent environment. Although it is clear that some of the objects Red obtains for his fellow inmates are unacceptable - for example, the posters of popular female actresses he secures over the years for Andy Dufresne - it is generally accepted by other members of the prison population as to not throw off the normalcy amongst the other inmates throughout Shawshank.
Brooks also represented the key points of functionalism. Brooks, an older prisoner who had spent a majority of his life in prison, also had become a functioning member of Shawshank. He was solely in charge of maintaining the Prison library and rarely was his respected role as the librarian challenged by either the prison population or the employees. More interesting, however, was that while the prison essentially relied on Brooks to provide a service for them, Brooks also relied on the prison environment. After being institutionlized for a number of years, Brooks adapted to life as a prisoner and, eventually, being a prisoner was the only role he knew. Further, his status allowed him to feel fulfillment within the confined and depressing conditions in which he lived. However, once he was released into the free world, Brooks lost his function and importance. Upon returning to mainstream society, he had to reconfigure his mind frame to one in which he had not known for a decades. As his fulfillment waned, so did his function. Unfortunately, he inevitably committed suicide because he could not find the same equilibrium he had felt for so long in prison. Both Brooks and Red exemplified how, in Functionalism, several different parts make up a society and have a function that adds to its stability. Additionally, because of the purpose they served, they also felt a sense of fulfillment because of their ability to have an impact on the rest of the prison population.
Another sociological theory that can be used to explain society's infrastructure is the Conflict Theory. Conflict Theory suggests that, within a society, groups are in constant struggle amongst each other. Further, the group that asserts power will inevitably find ways to diminish other groups who the dominant group sees as a threat. If one bases his/her place based solely on the principles of Conflict Theory, one may feel that they have not had the same opportunities for advancement and success as those who are a part of the majority.
Karl Marx, an influential theorist, argued the Conflict Theory even further by suggesting that, as a result of this societal struggle, social hierarchies inevitably develop that further contain individuals to stay in their current social positions. In Shawshank Redemption, this theory can be tested by observing the relationship between the prison warden and Andy Dufresne.
One of the subplots of the film is the prison warden's mistreatment of prisoners and the subpar conditions the inmates endure while at Shawshank. There are several instances in the film where the prison warder or a member of his staff is seen verbally or physically abusing one of the inmates in an attempt to assert his power over the inmates. In these overt instances, violence is used by the dominant group to establish their control over the inmates and discourage them of their ability to see themselves as anything more than a rejected member of mainstream society.
This assertion of power becomes vague once Andy Dufresne establishes himself amongst the prison employees as an intelligent and resourceful individual who could in fact benefit their lives outside of prison life. Dufresne, who was wrongly accused of killing his wife and her lover, introduces his accounting skills to the prison guards in an intense argument where Dufresene, without provocation, initiates a conversation with a guard to inform him of how he can avoid paying taxes on a lump sum of money he will be receiving. Initially, the guard attempts to demoralize Dufrense by establishing his position over him; however, once he realizes that Dufresne can actually assist him, he allows him to offer his expertise. After this interaction, Dufresne becomes an important financial asset to the prison community and inevitably takes charge of the Prison Warden's finances as he attempts to hide his financial scams.
As Dufresne becomes more and more involved in handling these funds, his role as solely a prisoner is diminished and the Warden's control over Dufresne becomes less and less significant. While he attempts to establish his authority over him by making him spend significant amounts of time in solitary confinement, he essentially begins using excessive punishment as a means of covering up his own inner conflict. Once Andy escapes from prison and uncovers the Warden's scandal to the public, not only does he ruin the stability of the prison, but he also exerts his own power over the Warden which inevitably ends in the death of the warden. Within the prison, brute force was often used to enforce the prison hierarchy in which the prisoners fell at the very bottom. However, Andy Dufresne not only challenged the Functionalism theory within the prison by establishing a position in the community and offering homogeneity to the warden and his employees and inevitably turning against it, but he also challenged the Conflict Theory by relinquishing control over his destiny and succeeding despite the Prison's oppressive conditions.
The ability to feel like an active member of a society offers fulfillment not only to the person initiating their role in society, but also to others around them. Without the ability to feel like a productive member of society, an individual will feel without purpose and in turn strive to find a way to achieve an accepted role within their community. This desire to be a functioning member of a society is explored in the Functionalism theory. Functionalism can be described as the interdependence of several different aspects of society to create a place where one's individual needs are met. Moreover, while a society has several different parts that make each section unique, it is also vital that all of these pieces coincide to create a stable and homoegenous unit.
With one piece of society out of order, the rest will follow suit and gradually disintegrate until equilibrium is reestablished. Because of the sensitive infrastructures of civilzation, individuals looking to integrate into their respective community will try to find their niche and use it to establish important roles so they can become an essential part of their surroundings.
In a more restrictive setting like prison, it is more difficult to establish the same homogeneity because the individuals that make up that society are individuals who have already disrupted the civility in mainstream. Moreover, in Shawshank Redemption, two characters, Red and Brooks, learn to integrate themselves into the Prison community and create a sense of equilibrium without completely disrupting their already uncertain environment.
The character Red in Shawshank Redemption utilizes his ability to network as well as his rapport with other prisoners to become a staple within the prison community. Known as "the guy to go to when you need something", Red establishes himself as a respected member of this society and, in turn, offers stability to the rest of the prison population by offering his services to individuals in efforts to create a more comfortable and consistent environment. Although it is clear that some of the objects Red obtains for his fellow inmates are unacceptable - for example, the posters of popular female actresses he secures over the years for Andy Dufresne - it is generally accepted by other members of the prison population as to not throw off the normalcy amongst the other inmates throughout Shawshank.
Brooks also represented the key points of functionalism. Brooks, an older prisoner who had spent a majority of his life in prison, also had become a functioning member of Shawshank. He was solely in charge of maintaining the Prison library and rarely was his respected role as the librarian challenged by either the prison population or the employees. More interesting, however, was that while the prison essentially relied on Brooks to provide a service for them, Brooks also relied on the prison environment. After being institutionlized for a number of years, Brooks adapted to life as a prisoner and, eventually, being a prisoner was the only role he knew. Further, his status allowed him to feel fulfillment within the confined and depressing conditions in which he lived. However, once he was released into the free world, Brooks lost his function and importance. Upon returning to mainstream society, he had to reconfigure his mind frame to one in which he had not known for a decades. As his fulfillment waned, so did his function. Unfortunately, he inevitably committed suicide because he could not find the same equilibrium he had felt for so long in prison. Both Brooks and Red exemplified how, in Functionalism, several different parts make up a society and have a function that adds to its stability. Additionally, because of the purpose they served, they also felt a sense of fulfillment because of their ability to have an impact on the rest of the prison population.
Another sociological theory that can be used to explain society's infrastructure is the Conflict Theory. Conflict Theory suggests that, within a society, groups are in constant struggle amongst each other. Further, the group that asserts power will inevitably find ways to diminish other groups who the dominant group sees as a threat. If one bases his/her place based solely on the principles of Conflict Theory, one may feel that they have not had the same opportunities for advancement and success as those who are a part of the majority.
Karl Marx, an influential theorist, argued the Conflict Theory even further by suggesting that, as a result of this societal struggle, social hierarchies inevitably develop that further contain individuals to stay in their current social positions. In Shawshank Redemption, this theory can be tested by observing the relationship between the prison warden and Andy Dufresne.
One of the subplots of the film is the prison warden's mistreatment of prisoners and the subpar conditions the inmates endure while at Shawshank. There are several instances in the film where the prison warder or a member of his staff is seen verbally or physically abusing one of the inmates in an attempt to assert his power over the inmates. In these overt instances, violence is used by the dominant group to establish their control over the inmates and discourage them of their ability to see themselves as anything more than a rejected member of mainstream society.
This assertion of power becomes vague once Andy Dufresne establishes himself amongst the prison employees as an intelligent and resourceful individual who could in fact benefit their lives outside of prison life. Dufresne, who was wrongly accused of killing his wife and her lover, introduces his accounting skills to the prison guards in an intense argument where Dufresene, without provocation, initiates a conversation with a guard to inform him of how he can avoid paying taxes on a lump sum of money he will be receiving. Initially, the guard attempts to demoralize Dufrense by establishing his position over him; however, once he realizes that Dufresne can actually assist him, he allows him to offer his expertise. After this interaction, Dufresne becomes an important financial asset to the prison community and inevitably takes charge of the Prison Warden's finances as he attempts to hide his financial scams.
As Dufresne becomes more and more involved in handling these funds, his role as solely a prisoner is diminished and the Warden's control over Dufresne becomes less and less significant. While he attempts to establish his authority over him by making him spend significant amounts of time in solitary confinement, he essentially begins using excessive punishment as a means of covering up his own inner conflict. Once Andy escapes from prison and uncovers the Warden's scandal to the public, not only does he ruin the stability of the prison, but he also exerts his own power over the Warden which inevitably ends in the death of the warden. Within the prison, brute force was often used to enforce the prison hierarchy in which the prisoners fell at the very bottom. However, Andy Dufresne not only challenged the Functionalism theory within the prison by establishing a position in the community and offering homogeneity to the warden and his employees and inevitably turning against it, but he also challenged the Conflict Theory by relinquishing control over his destiny and succeeding despite the Prison's oppressive conditions.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I have so many emotions running through my head right now. Lauren got in a car accident after driving while high. She doesn't remember any of it. I am so furious with her right now but I can't be too upset right now because she's alive and she has another chance to get her life together. I'm so mad at her, because I would always tell her that she has no business driving when she's high. She tried doing that with me in the car once and I forced her to pull over so I could drive because she just couldn't handle operating a car. I want to yell at her so badly and I am just so pissed at her for continuing to make so many stupid, stupid mistakes. Part of me is like, "you know what, I really need to leave her alone. She is just a lost cause" but part of me really really hopes she realizes that she could have died and it's time to finally get her life together or else she won't be given any more chances at rebuilding. I just hate this damn drug and what it's doing to her. It's making her make dumb decisions, she almost DIED because of this drug. As far as I'm concerned, there is no longer any excuse to use. She crashed her mother's car. Her mom is probably LIVID. Shit, I'm livid for her. This drug just makes her act so irresponsibly. She needs to go to rehab ASAP. I really hope after she gets out of the hospital and heals that she goes.
But as angry as I am, I love her and I want to be by her side IF she decides to get her life together. I just can't keep watching her destroy herself like this. I wish I could be there right now to just make sure she's OK and to take care of her. It's crazy that tonight the episode of Fresh Prince where Will gets shot came on and it was just too intense for me. What if I had lost Lauren tonight? I don't know what i would have done. I knew something wasn't right. When I called her and she didn't answer for hours I just knew something wasn't right. I want to be strong for her so bad right now, but sometimes being strong for her takes a toll on me. It's like, I want to be strong for you, but I can't do it every day. She really needs to get it together NOW. But I love her so much and when she's sober, she is the most amazing woman and I want that woman 100% of the time. I want her to be healthy and happy and be able to right the wrongs she's committed throughout her life.
I was so happy when she called me. I was the first person, after her mom, who she called. I love Lauren so much. I want her to get sober. I want her to get happy. She NEEDS to get sober. Like, there's no personal choice involved. I'm really curious as to what her mother's reaction to her is going to be. I just know that she is going to be incredibly depressed after this and I really really need to be there for her emotionally. So I'm going to go home on Thursday so that I can be there to support her and just make sure she's OK. All I can pray is that this accident was a wake up call to her to get her life together and to finally quit this drug and grow up and move forward. I'm just going to continue to pray for her and me. We both really need it.
But as angry as I am, I love her and I want to be by her side IF she decides to get her life together. I just can't keep watching her destroy herself like this. I wish I could be there right now to just make sure she's OK and to take care of her. It's crazy that tonight the episode of Fresh Prince where Will gets shot came on and it was just too intense for me. What if I had lost Lauren tonight? I don't know what i would have done. I knew something wasn't right. When I called her and she didn't answer for hours I just knew something wasn't right. I want to be strong for her so bad right now, but sometimes being strong for her takes a toll on me. It's like, I want to be strong for you, but I can't do it every day. She really needs to get it together NOW. But I love her so much and when she's sober, she is the most amazing woman and I want that woman 100% of the time. I want her to be healthy and happy and be able to right the wrongs she's committed throughout her life.
I was so happy when she called me. I was the first person, after her mom, who she called. I love Lauren so much. I want her to get sober. I want her to get happy. She NEEDS to get sober. Like, there's no personal choice involved. I'm really curious as to what her mother's reaction to her is going to be. I just know that she is going to be incredibly depressed after this and I really really need to be there for her emotionally. So I'm going to go home on Thursday so that I can be there to support her and just make sure she's OK. All I can pray is that this accident was a wake up call to her to get her life together and to finally quit this drug and grow up and move forward. I'm just going to continue to pray for her and me. We both really need it.
Monday, December 3, 2007
It seems like the harder I try to get you to understand me, the further I push you away. I want more than anything to be with you and for us to be happy. I hate that it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can never seem to get it right. I love being around you, so when I come home, all I want is to be around you. But Cleveland is your home, not mine. And all I've ever wanted when i come home is not to take you away from your already existing life, but just to be an important part of it. Sometimes, I feel like you are the perfect manifestation of everything I've ever looked for in a partner: you've got the looks, the brain, the humor, the heart. And I think about how many great things we have experienced, the great things that you have done for me. I think about the time you came to see me during CA training and how your chief objective was just to bring me peace and make me feel at ease while I endured a rough two weeks. I remember when we went to Cheesecake Factory and took in the amazing scenery and stared into each others' eyes at dinner and talked and laughed about everything and nothing. I remember when we went shopping on the day before your birthday and were out ALL DAY just enjoying each other. There are so many good things we have experienced that, when I get angry, I totally forget about. Like I said, when I come home, I don't mind having to "fit" into your life because you're a busy woman. I don't ever look at you seeing me and me seeing you as a tally card as to who-did-what-how-many-times. However, it hurts me when I feel like, when I want you to come over to see me or if you have the car to just come by to say hi, that you will instead choose "other" things instead. I often find myself comparing what you do to what I do and it doesn't make sense because seeing you and being with you means the world to me. So, when you make the choice to not see me or when you tell me you will and then don't, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you. It makes me feel like I'm worthless to you and, in turn, everyone else. I know that I have a lot of issues with feeling important and being validated and it's not your job to "fix" my insecurities and my problems. If anything, I feel like because you know so well how much it affects me when my family and friends make me feel unimportant, it hurts so much more when you do or say things that make me feel like that. I feel like, "Lauren, you're supposed to be my rock. You know my heart, you know my fears. You know my pain." It just hurts so much more, I wish you knew how much you meant to me, how much I love you, how much I want you, how much I need you. I know you hate my anger. You hate my temper. You hate my instability. And I hate all of these things too. When I get angry, I can't see anything straight, I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't make any sense. It's like when I hurt, I can't be the only one hurt. I want you to be hurt, too. I can't make an excuse for why I do this, but it's a defense mechanism that I've picked up. I hate being hurt. I feel like pain for me is intensified x 30. I have dealt with - in my opinion - so much pain and rejection that, when I'm hurt or rejected, I don't know what else to do but to lash out. In theory, I just want to say to you "if you didn't hurt me, i wouldn't lash out", but unfortunately it's not that easy because sometimes I find myself taking things out on you. But, really, sometimes I wish you would just be mindful of me and how I might feel. I wish I could feel like your queen. I wish I could be there for you to support you and to be your rock just as you have been for me so many times. I wish I could be there to make you smile and laugh when you have a bad day. I wish I could be there when you come home to cook you dinner and hold you while you tell me about your day. I wish i could have you, Lauren, 100% of you. I know that you have your own demons and your own issues that you deal with, and my craziness probably does nothing to help it. I want to be there for you so bad as you try to move forward in your life. As I've always said, it would give me more joy than the world has to offer to be by your side as you walk through life. I hate that when I get angry, i lash out and call you every name in the book. It's not healthy nor is it right. I get so hurt by some things and I feel like, "why does she not care about me?" and I don't know what else to do. But I do know that if you love someone you should never talk to them the way I talk to you when I'm angry. But, then I ask myself, what do you do when you feel rejected by your partner and they don't seem to see or try to see how what they did, or didn't do, really hurt your feelings? You want them to understand, but then when I try to explain it, I just look like I'm trying to hoard you in a corner away from everyone else. You don't see it as me trying to spend time with the love of my life. I wish you could just see that me wanting to spend time with you was NOT about keep you away from people or to hoard you, I want to spend time with you because I am so happy and complete when I'm with you. because when I'm with you, I feel a new breath enter my lungs and I feel an extra bolt of energy. If I'm wrong for wanting to spend every waking minute with the love of my life even if only have mere seconds, than I'll be more than wrong. I can't express to you how much I love you nor can I express to you how sorry I am that I have emotionally hurt you with my words. I know that I have a lot of issues I need to work on, and I try so so so hard to fight my angry demons. It may not seem like it, but i've been fighting myself and trying to not let the small things get to me. I've tried so hard. It seems that more than I succeed, i fail at trying to calm myself down and trying to communicate effectively. More than anything, I wish you could be there for me as my rock to help me deal with my demons. I wish I could go to Couple's counseling with you so we could work out some of our issues. More than anything I want to be with you. I've tried to fight it, but it's not possible. I know that we have had a rocky six months, but despite that, I do not believe for a second that we CANNOT be happy and fulfill each other because it HAS happened and continues to happen. I don't want us to just "work out", I want us to be happy, I want us to complete each other. I, like you, am tired of the fights & the drama and the screaming and the crying and the drinking and the drugs and the cutting and the bullshit. I'm tired. I'm ready to be happy. I want more than anything to be happy with you. I want to work through ALLLLL of the bullshit, pick up the broken pieces and find a glue that will TRULY keep it together. I want you to trust my emotions, and trust my heart. I want to trust your sincerity, and trust your heart. I know none of this comes easy, but I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for what I feel in my heart is meant to be, even though sometimes people on the outside would wonder "are you fucking crazy?!" Yea, I am crazy, but I'm also a human and I have the ability to reason and in retrospect, I see that we both have made plenty of mistakes, but mistakes shouldn't be the cancer that kills us. Mistakes can be salvaged, they can be looked at and you can learn from them. If anything that I get from this, I hope that you can just understand where I come from and where my anger comes from. I want you to hear me and hear the sincerity in my heart that I do not want to hurt you anymore. I want you to feel that I am in love with you and that no matter what words have been said out of anger and spite, that I truly do believe you are a beautiful, talented, smart, hilarious, sensitive, and loving person. I love you and I will never stop. I hope that you can see that. If you choose to never be with me again, I will find the strength - whether it be through renewed faith, my family, working, something- to let you move on and pursue your own happiness. It hurts so much to even write that because I just want to scream "PLEASE SEE THAT HAPPINESS IN ME!" I hope you hear my words and you hear my heart. I love Lauren. I love you so much. You will always be my goosey.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people yet STILL be alone. Being a CA, I always have SOMEONE around, whether it be a resident, another CA, a supervisor, or just as a student: I'M ALWAYS AROUND PEOPLE. But the crazy part about it is regardless of how many people I have around, I still feel so lonely. I miss VA so much because I had all I needed there. I had my best friend. We were there for each other REGARDLESS. It didn't matter if we had nothing to do or tons, I always knew that if I needed anything (which was usually just someone to laugh with and make me forget about the world that bugs me) she would be there for me. I miss my family. I miss being able to come to my mom for anything and just sit with her and talk about life. I miss having my brothers around to make me laugh or just distract me from whatever. When I first got to college, I was just excited to be away from home. Now, all I can look forward to is going home. When I go home, I have my mom, I have Lauren, I have comfort and sanity that I don't have at school.
Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.
I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.
I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.
Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.
I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.
I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.
The more I sit here and think about this situation, I'm just about convinced that NO ONE would EVER think that this situation was OK! Let me type it out:
So, yesterday evening, Lauren calls me and says, "Hey, I was just letting you know that I'm leaving tonight and I probably won't be back." I'm like, "OK, where are you going?" Her response. To Shawntee's. I'm like, OK, are you sleeping over? Her response?Yea.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Shawntee is Lauren's EX-GIRLFRIEND. Supposedly, they are now "best friends". Question 1: Would you EVER be OK with your partner SLEEPING OVER at their EX'S house, regardless of if they are best friends OR if your partner is "really close" with their family?
So then, she gets mad at me because I went off. In my opinion, that shit is NOT COOL and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Lauren is 26 YEARS OLD.
YOU DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!!!!!!!
So then, she gets mad at ME for getting mad at HER that she thinks I shouldn't be MAD!
So what makes this even worse is ALL WEEK I had been saying to Lauren, "I have an issue with your relationship with Shawntee. I think that when I come to visit for the weekend, she should NOT you every day. OH! BUT GET THIS!!!!
When I came to see her last weekend, she says to me, "would you be mad at me if I left the house for a little bit?" I'm like, what do you mean 'leave the house'? Where are you trying to go and leave me here?! Her response? I NEED TO TAKE SHAWNTEE TO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.
QUESTION 2: If your girlfriend came THREE HOURS to see you and you don't see each other except every two/three weeks, WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER AT HOME SO YOU CAN GO TAKE YOU EX TO HER "AUNT'S HOUSE?!?!?!
NO! So then, I said, you know what?! Fuck this, so I called my mom and decided to go hang out with her for a little bit. THEN! When I get home, she gets mad at me and says, "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR ME!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! She says, "well, if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be able to stay attached at your hip all of the time." Huh?! WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER!
Anyways, I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I flipping out for no reason or am I entitled to be upset?
So, yesterday evening, Lauren calls me and says, "Hey, I was just letting you know that I'm leaving tonight and I probably won't be back." I'm like, "OK, where are you going?" Her response. To Shawntee's. I'm like, OK, are you sleeping over? Her response?Yea.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Shawntee is Lauren's EX-GIRLFRIEND. Supposedly, they are now "best friends". Question 1: Would you EVER be OK with your partner SLEEPING OVER at their EX'S house, regardless of if they are best friends OR if your partner is "really close" with their family?
So then, she gets mad at me because I went off. In my opinion, that shit is NOT COOL and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Lauren is 26 YEARS OLD.
YOU DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!!!!!!!
So then, she gets mad at ME for getting mad at HER that she thinks I shouldn't be MAD!
So what makes this even worse is ALL WEEK I had been saying to Lauren, "I have an issue with your relationship with Shawntee. I think that when I come to visit for the weekend, she should NOT you every day. OH! BUT GET THIS!!!!
When I came to see her last weekend, she says to me, "would you be mad at me if I left the house for a little bit?" I'm like, what do you mean 'leave the house'? Where are you trying to go and leave me here?! Her response? I NEED TO TAKE SHAWNTEE TO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.
QUESTION 2: If your girlfriend came THREE HOURS to see you and you don't see each other except every two/three weeks, WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER AT HOME SO YOU CAN GO TAKE YOU EX TO HER "AUNT'S HOUSE?!?!?!
NO! So then, I said, you know what?! Fuck this, so I called my mom and decided to go hang out with her for a little bit. THEN! When I get home, she gets mad at me and says, "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR ME!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! She says, "well, if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be able to stay attached at your hip all of the time." Huh?! WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER!
Anyways, I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I flipping out for no reason or am I entitled to be upset?
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