I'm going to live my life for me!

I am feeling SO much better today! Yesterday was a rough day and I felt so fed up with feeling like everyone wants me to do everything for everything else and I really just broke down. Unfortunately, Lauren was at work so I couldn't talk to her but I did talk to some people who are close to me and I realized a lot about some of the issues I have and that I haven't been dealing with. I have issues comparing myself to my younger/older brother and I really need to stop doing that. I realize that being healthy really does make me happy. I realize that I actually doing alright with my life and I should be proud of everything that I've accomplished so far. I should be happy with the things that I do for other people but - at the same time - I really need to start thinking about what truly makes me happy and acting on it. Being healthy makes me happy. Running makes me happy. Waking up to the rain nestled in my lover's arm makes me happy. Being in love makes me happy (most of the time). Partying with my friends makes me happy. My family (for the most part) makes me happy. My dog BoBo used to make me happy. Making other people smile makes me happy. Lauren (for the most part) makes me happy. Amie (for the most part) makes me happy. I can be happy, I just need to stop putting my happiness to the side.

Last night, Lauren made me REALLY happy when she told me about something she's planning for when we get home. She's planning a date evening where we'll sleep at a hotel and go out to dinner and have a really quiet evening to ourselves and I am so excited about that and it's so incredibly thoughtful. Usually it's ME thinking of these things and I am just so excited that 1)she thought of that and 2)that she has just been amazing. Things with she and I are getting better and better by the day. I am so happy with her and I am so happy with how things are going. She continues to amaze me daily and I really feel like I'm infatuated/in love with her. GAH! That's so crazy. It's only been TWO WEEKS! Is that possible?! lol Oh Lesbians. Anywho, mama is feeling much better today and a lot more at ease.

Am i just that dumb?

I'm telling you, when you're emotionally involved with someone, it's hard to see clearly, but I can't lie, I'm still hurt. I guess it's like I had already tried SO HARD to get over my issues with her exes, but what she did yesterday totally floored me. She doesn't seem to get it, but I'll admit, her exes make me incredibly insecure. I know she's going to continue to be "friends" with them, but their "friendship" is SO not kosher. I feel like her exes have absolutely no respect for me or the relationship I have with Lauren. When Lauren was here, I swear it was absolutely amazing and I felt so incredibly loved and like I was the only one for her. Now, we've been apart for a little over a week and I feel so insecure and like I don't matter as much as she says I do. I don't know what/who to believe. It doesn't make sense how much she means to me and I hate feeling like I have all these feelings for her that can be pulled from under my feet at any moment. I hate this feeling. I thought I was over everything, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still holding onto some remnants. I just wish I truly believed that I'm all she wants. I really really hate this feeling. I just want an answer or some kind of resolution to make me feel special and appreciated and like what she says is really what she means.

Then next week I'm coming to Cleveland and I know I'm going to have to interact with her exes if I want to hang out with her and to be honest I really have no desire to be around any of them. They represent something to me that is vile and don't act in a way I value and I just do not want to be around them. The more and more I type about this situation, the more questions I begin to ask myself. I'm not mad anymore about the situation that happened yesterday, I guess at this point I just don't feel that important to her and like I'm not the same priority that she is to me. I want to feel confident in being Lauren's woman. I want to feel secure in that and while some of it may be a personal problem, some of it is also created by how she reacts to certain situations. I'm just sick of feeling like this. Maybe everyone else is right and I'm just stupid for believing that she could change. Maybe I'm stupid for believing in us as much as I do. I need some kinda confirmation. I don't want to be a nag, I just need this for my own sake.

What a fabulous weekend! My Lauren came and we had such a fabulous weekend! We really didn't do too much of anything, we really just cuddled, talked, had LOTS of sex, ate, drank, and joked around. I was so grateful that her bus was late because we were able to spend about 45 more minutes together and it was a great 45 minutes. During the trip, she asked me to "be her girl" and OF COURSE I accepted. I also ran my first 5K which was AWESOME because I finished it faster than I anticipated I would. Lauren was there (although she was asleep in the car) and it was great to know she was there with me and she supported me. Lauren and I had a great time and now we're in a relationship together and - i'm not going to lie - I'm incredibly nervous but I hope we can work together so that this can work. God I hope some things with her change because I refuse to accept some of her habits. She has a lot she needs to do, but it's all good. She deserves a chance too. God, I miss her! I most certainly cannot WAIT to see her again! That's my baby. Anywho, I guess I should go to bed. Later!

It's just what she does to me...

In 24 hours my babe will be here with me!!! I am so freaking excited for Lauren to get here! So I'm not sure if I'm going to pick her up in Springfield or in Dayton yet, but I'm leaning towards Springfield just because I want to get her ASAP! I'm really excited for her to get here because I really want to just be able to talk to her face to face and to be able to really get to know her on a level she hasn't quite let me in on while we're on the phone. What I do know is that she gives me butterflies everytime I hear her voice and she is just an awesome woman. We have so much chemistry and we just seem to really mesh together and I really feel like, if we both want this bad enough, we can really have a great relationship. She is amazing and i am incredibly excited about our future. Now I need to fold my laundry and vacuum and then try to SLEEP somehow. Oh I'm so excited to see my babe tomorrow.

I don't think I'd be nearly as...irritated if I didn't have such strong feelings for her. It's crazy how alike she and i are. Our mindsets, the way we view life, they way we interact with people, it's all very similar - and i think that's what scares me. I'm scared that she's going to prove me to be a fool and prove that i never should have believed in her or us to begin with. I'm scared that I've stood up for her and us so much that it may have just been a waste of energy and breath. I just can't be proved wrong. I like her so much and I want there to be an "us" but there are also many factors that scare me away from an us. I just wish I could feel comfortable and trust her.

At the end of the day, that's all I want to to be able to do. i want to feel like I'm the only woman in her life and that she isn't thinking about or touching anybody else. We both have history of cheating and I guess because of our own past together, I'm afraid she'll cheat on me and I just can't let that happen. But the again, I guess if you make the decision to date someone who is a cheater, than you're kinda putting yourself out there to be cheated on. I guess because my feelings for her are getting stronger than I ever anticipated, I'm getting more and more scared. As much as i want to completely let her and almost completely fall into her arms, I'm petrified. I'm petrified that I'll fall into those arms and either a)someone else will already be there or b)she'll walk away as soon as I land. I guess it doesn't make sense to really have feelings for someone about whom you have so many questions but I just can't let this one go. I need to see if this can work. This weekend will be really huge for us. It's the first time we've actually spent alone time together when it was just she and I and us. I really really hope it's as good as i think it will be. I feel myself falling for her and I just need some kind of confirmation that she will be there to catch me.


10am
As every minute passes that I don't hear from her, that I don't hear her voice, I get more and more aggravated. The voice in my head just keeps saying "Please, don't do me wrong. I'm rooting for us". She tells me the right things and in my heart, I latch on to every word she says, but my head tells me to be cautious and to read into everything. Last night I had this dream that really threw me for a loop. In the dream, she texts me and says "sorry about last night. I was practicing and - needless to say -I'm pretty tired now lol" (Yea, I remember the text verbatim) and then I call her and I start yelling like "are you serious?!" and she starts cursing me out like "you ought not be surprised. Stop complaining" and all this other stuff and now this dream is weighing heavily on me and then at 6:30 this AM I get this message:

Yes mama everythings ok my battery died on me last night and i had a minor setback but everything is ok now and i totally miss you sorry for not getting to say good night.

Bah! I mean I'm flattered, but not so much. As Jill Scott says "it takes more than diamonds to move me". I'm anxious, I need her here with me. I need to see if she's for real. She can say it on the phone all she wants but I need to believe it for myself. I honestly want to sweep this girl OUT of the markets so she can be MINE. I don't want to share her at all. But with the distance and other outliers I don't know how we could keep it up. I want to though. I really do. I feel like if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work. I feel myself falling for her and i just want to make sure falling is in my best interest.