I have so many emotions running through my head right now. Lauren got in a car accident after driving while high. She doesn't remember any of it. I am so furious with her right now but I can't be too upset right now because she's alive and she has another chance to get her life together. I'm so mad at her, because I would always tell her that she has no business driving when she's high. She tried doing that with me in the car once and I forced her to pull over so I could drive because she just couldn't handle operating a car. I want to yell at her so badly and I am just so pissed at her for continuing to make so many stupid, stupid mistakes. Part of me is like, "you know what, I really need to leave her alone. She is just a lost cause" but part of me really really hopes she realizes that she could have died and it's time to finally get her life together or else she won't be given any more chances at rebuilding. I just hate this damn drug and what it's doing to her. It's making her make dumb decisions, she almost DIED because of this drug. As far as I'm concerned, there is no longer any excuse to use. She crashed her mother's car. Her mom is probably LIVID. Shit, I'm livid for her. This drug just makes her act so irresponsibly. She needs to go to rehab ASAP. I really hope after she gets out of the hospital and heals that she goes.

But as angry as I am, I love her and I want to be by her side IF she decides to get her life together. I just can't keep watching her destroy herself like this. I wish I could be there right now to just make sure she's OK and to take care of her. It's crazy that tonight the episode of Fresh Prince where Will gets shot came on and it was just too intense for me. What if I had lost Lauren tonight? I don't know what i would have done. I knew something wasn't right. When I called her and she didn't answer for hours I just knew something wasn't right. I want to be strong for her so bad right now, but sometimes being strong for her takes a toll on me. It's like, I want to be strong for you, but I can't do it every day. She really needs to get it together NOW. But I love her so much and when she's sober, she is the most amazing woman and I want that woman 100% of the time. I want her to be healthy and happy and be able to right the wrongs she's committed throughout her life.

I was so happy when she called me. I was the first person, after her mom, who she called. I love Lauren so much. I want her to get sober. I want her to get happy. She NEEDS to get sober. Like, there's no personal choice involved. I'm really curious as to what her mother's reaction to her is going to be. I just know that she is going to be incredibly depressed after this and I really really need to be there for her emotionally. So I'm going to go home on Thursday so that I can be there to support her and just make sure she's OK. All I can pray is that this accident was a wake up call to her to get her life together and to finally quit this drug and grow up and move forward. I'm just going to continue to pray for her and me. We both really need it.

It seems like the harder I try to get you to understand me, the further I push you away. I want more than anything to be with you and for us to be happy. I hate that it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can never seem to get it right. I love being around you, so when I come home, all I want is to be around you. But Cleveland is your home, not mine. And all I've ever wanted when i come home is not to take you away from your already existing life, but just to be an important part of it. Sometimes, I feel like you are the perfect manifestation of everything I've ever looked for in a partner: you've got the looks, the brain, the humor, the heart. And I think about how many great things we have experienced, the great things that you have done for me. I think about the time you came to see me during CA training and how your chief objective was just to bring me peace and make me feel at ease while I endured a rough two weeks. I remember when we went to Cheesecake Factory and took in the amazing scenery and stared into each others' eyes at dinner and talked and laughed about everything and nothing. I remember when we went shopping on the day before your birthday and were out ALL DAY just enjoying each other. There are so many good things we have experienced that, when I get angry, I totally forget about. Like I said, when I come home, I don't mind having to "fit" into your life because you're a busy woman. I don't ever look at you seeing me and me seeing you as a tally card as to who-did-what-how-many-times. However, it hurts me when I feel like, when I want you to come over to see me or if you have the car to just come by to say hi, that you will instead choose "other" things instead. I often find myself comparing what you do to what I do and it doesn't make sense because seeing you and being with you means the world to me. So, when you make the choice to not see me or when you tell me you will and then don't, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you. It makes me feel like I'm worthless to you and, in turn, everyone else. I know that I have a lot of issues with feeling important and being validated and it's not your job to "fix" my insecurities and my problems. If anything, I feel like because you know so well how much it affects me when my family and friends make me feel unimportant, it hurts so much more when you do or say things that make me feel like that. I feel like, "Lauren, you're supposed to be my rock. You know my heart, you know my fears. You know my pain." It just hurts so much more, I wish you knew how much you meant to me, how much I love you, how much I want you, how much I need you. I know you hate my anger. You hate my temper. You hate my instability. And I hate all of these things too. When I get angry, I can't see anything straight, I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't make any sense. It's like when I hurt, I can't be the only one hurt. I want you to be hurt, too. I can't make an excuse for why I do this, but it's a defense mechanism that I've picked up. I hate being hurt. I feel like pain for me is intensified x 30. I have dealt with - in my opinion - so much pain and rejection that, when I'm hurt or rejected, I don't know what else to do but to lash out. In theory, I just want to say to you "if you didn't hurt me, i wouldn't lash out", but unfortunately it's not that easy because sometimes I find myself taking things out on you. But, really, sometimes I wish you would just be mindful of me and how I might feel. I wish I could feel like your queen. I wish I could be there for you to support you and to be your rock just as you have been for me so many times. I wish I could be there to make you smile and laugh when you have a bad day. I wish I could be there when you come home to cook you dinner and hold you while you tell me about your day. I wish i could have you, Lauren, 100% of you. I know that you have your own demons and your own issues that you deal with, and my craziness probably does nothing to help it. I want to be there for you so bad as you try to move forward in your life. As I've always said, it would give me more joy than the world has to offer to be by your side as you walk through life. I hate that when I get angry, i lash out and call you every name in the book. It's not healthy nor is it right. I get so hurt by some things and I feel like, "why does she not care about me?" and I don't know what else to do. But I do know that if you love someone you should never talk to them the way I talk to you when I'm angry. But, then I ask myself, what do you do when you feel rejected by your partner and they don't seem to see or try to see how what they did, or didn't do, really hurt your feelings? You want them to understand, but then when I try to explain it, I just look like I'm trying to hoard you in a corner away from everyone else. You don't see it as me trying to spend time with the love of my life. I wish you could just see that me wanting to spend time with you was NOT about keep you away from people or to hoard you, I want to spend time with you because I am so happy and complete when I'm with you. because when I'm with you, I feel a new breath enter my lungs and I feel an extra bolt of energy. If I'm wrong for wanting to spend every waking minute with the love of my life even if only have mere seconds, than I'll be more than wrong. I can't express to you how much I love you nor can I express to you how sorry I am that I have emotionally hurt you with my words. I know that I have a lot of issues I need to work on, and I try so so so hard to fight my angry demons. It may not seem like it, but i've been fighting myself and trying to not let the small things get to me. I've tried so hard. It seems that more than I succeed, i fail at trying to calm myself down and trying to communicate effectively. More than anything, I wish you could be there for me as my rock to help me deal with my demons. I wish I could go to Couple's counseling with you so we could work out some of our issues. More than anything I want to be with you. I've tried to fight it, but it's not possible. I know that we have had a rocky six months, but despite that, I do not believe for a second that we CANNOT be happy and fulfill each other because it HAS happened and continues to happen. I don't want us to just "work out", I want us to be happy, I want us to complete each other. I, like you, am tired of the fights & the drama and the screaming and the crying and the drinking and the drugs and the cutting and the bullshit. I'm tired. I'm ready to be happy. I want more than anything to be happy with you. I want to work through ALLLLL of the bullshit, pick up the broken pieces and find a glue that will TRULY keep it together. I want you to trust my emotions, and trust my heart. I want to trust your sincerity, and trust your heart. I know none of this comes easy, but I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for what I feel in my heart is meant to be, even though sometimes people on the outside would wonder "are you fucking crazy?!" Yea, I am crazy, but I'm also a human and I have the ability to reason and in retrospect, I see that we both have made plenty of mistakes, but mistakes shouldn't be the cancer that kills us. Mistakes can be salvaged, they can be looked at and you can learn from them. If anything that I get from this, I hope that you can just understand where I come from and where my anger comes from. I want you to hear me and hear the sincerity in my heart that I do not want to hurt you anymore. I want you to feel that I am in love with you and that no matter what words have been said out of anger and spite, that I truly do believe you are a beautiful, talented, smart, hilarious, sensitive, and loving person. I love you and I will never stop. I hope that you can see that. If you choose to never be with me again, I will find the strength - whether it be through renewed faith, my family, working, something- to let you move on and pursue your own happiness. It hurts so much to even write that because I just want to scream "PLEASE SEE THAT HAPPINESS IN ME!" I hope you hear my words and you hear my heart. I love Lauren. I love you so much. You will always be my goosey.

It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people yet STILL be alone. Being a CA, I always have SOMEONE around, whether it be a resident, another CA, a supervisor, or just as a student: I'M ALWAYS AROUND PEOPLE. But the crazy part about it is regardless of how many people I have around, I still feel so lonely. I miss VA so much because I had all I needed there. I had my best friend. We were there for each other REGARDLESS. It didn't matter if we had nothing to do or tons, I always knew that if I needed anything (which was usually just someone to laugh with and make me forget about the world that bugs me) she would be there for me. I miss my family. I miss being able to come to my mom for anything and just sit with her and talk about life. I miss having my brothers around to make me laugh or just distract me from whatever. When I first got to college, I was just excited to be away from home. Now, all I can look forward to is going home. When I go home, I have my mom, I have Lauren, I have comfort and sanity that I don't have at school.

Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.

I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.

I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.

The more I sit here and think about this situation, I'm just about convinced that NO ONE would EVER think that this situation was OK! Let me type it out:
So, yesterday evening, Lauren calls me and says, "Hey, I was just letting you know that I'm leaving tonight and I probably won't be back." I'm like, "OK, where are you going?" Her response. To Shawntee's. I'm like, OK, are you sleeping over? Her response?Yea.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Shawntee is Lauren's EX-GIRLFRIEND. Supposedly, they are now "best friends". Question 1: Would you EVER be OK with your partner SLEEPING OVER at their EX'S house, regardless of if they are best friends OR if your partner is "really close" with their family?
So then, she gets mad at me because I went off. In my opinion, that shit is NOT COOL and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Lauren is 26 YEARS OLD.

YOU DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!!!!!!!

So then, she gets mad at ME for getting mad at HER that she thinks I shouldn't be MAD!

So what makes this even worse is ALL WEEK I had been saying to Lauren, "I have an issue with your relationship with Shawntee. I think that when I come to visit for the weekend, she should NOT you every day. OH! BUT GET THIS!!!!
When I came to see her last weekend, she says to me, "would you be mad at me if I left the house for a little bit?" I'm like, what do you mean 'leave the house'? Where are you trying to go and leave me here?! Her response? I NEED TO TAKE SHAWNTEE TO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.

QUESTION 2: If your girlfriend came THREE HOURS to see you and you don't see each other except every two/three weeks, WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER AT HOME SO YOU CAN GO TAKE YOU EX TO HER "AUNT'S HOUSE?!?!?!
NO! So then, I said, you know what?! Fuck this, so I called my mom and decided to go hang out with her for a little bit. THEN! When I get home, she gets mad at me and says, "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR ME!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! She says, "well, if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be able to stay attached at your hip all of the time." Huh?! WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER!

Anyways, I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I flipping out for no reason or am I entitled to be upset?

This house stuff

So, this living situation thing is really stressing me out. So, Lauren and I are SUPPOSED to be moving in together when I go home next Saturday. As much as I want to do it, and as much as I love Lauren, there are so many things in her life that I just can't get down with. I can't stand her drug use. I mean, I know it could be a lot worse but regardless of what it could be, I just don't like it. Period. I hate the smell of it, I hate how she acts on it even if she is acting rationally and I just don't like it. I guess how I feel about her woo use is similar to how some people feel about Marijuana. I don't know if I can live in a household where that's being done. On top of that, her relationship with her exes really bugs me and i don't like it. Namely with Shawntee, I fel like Shawntee is incredibly manipulative and adds nothing positive to Lauren's life except that they frequently smoke woo together and that Lauren is close to her family. Shawntee is not doing anything with her life and Shawntee & Lauren are talking constantly and it really bugs me that, especially when I'm in town for weekends, Shawntee insists on calling multiple times a day and it just bugs me because I feel like she should respect the fact that I'm in for the weekend and Lauren and she can't talk as often as they usually do. I guess I want so bad for us to keep progressing and I'm afraid that I can't deal with some of the things she has to offer. I have been incredibly quiet and subtle about her smoking woo, but as things could potentially get more serious, I'm afraid I can't handle it anymore than she has to offer. I really want to tell her "quit now, or I leave" but I know that won't work. I feel like she's constantly choosing the drug over me. I hate that Shawntee is such a shady person that Lauren wraps herself into. Her and Shawntee have the same dependent relationship from when they were together and i can't stand it. I don't think Shawntee should be allowed to smoke in our house. To be honest, i don't think Lauren should either. I don't trust that - after I leave for break - Lauren won't have her exes spending the night to "keep her company". I just don't know if I'm ready for this moving in thing until I'm permanently home and out of school. I just don't know if I'm as ready or I can handle all of this as well as I thought.

yep, still gettin' on my nerves

God, she gets on my nerves. Ya know what really annoys me? Is how she'll say she thinks we should just go to sleep so our issues will be "slept away", but then when I wake up and I'm still angry she gets mad! I mean, Lauren, you'd think you would have me figured it out by now. Anywho, so she really annoyed me today. I wish I had someone I could flirt with or just make me feel better; more or less, I just need some Friday validation and the LAST thing I want to do is be on duty tonight. I need a drink so bad. I need to go to the store and get some food & some cigs & yea. Maybe some vodka would be nice too. She just perturbs me. Some of the shit she says, it's just like, "really?!" I mean, she "says" she wants me to live with her when she gets her place, but then again it's like I feel like us living together may be complete chaos. She'd get jealous & angry if I left the house but then would feel like I shouldn't have any problem with her going out. She wants me to live with her when she's a frequent and habitual user of drugs. I can't live with a drug user. She claims she "doesn't want to live without me" but her actions and even some of her words contradict that. I just don't know if I believe it. And sadly, it only takes a night like last night to make me re-think EVERYTHING she's ever said to me. And I feel like if she were to get this place and I were to stay that Shawntee or Dominique or whomever would be over there ALL the time. IT IS NOT THEIR HOUSE! I just don't know how well I see us living together working out. And although she "claims" she wants to be with me for "the rest of her life", she's so unwilling to change any of her habits for me, while I've gone out of my way to change for her. But isn't that the way it always goes? Whatever, she's getting on my nerves and I really wish Amie were here. I miss having a BFF here. Anywho, enough venting for the time being. I'm not going to waste any more time or energy on her ass today. Whateva!

Wondering when it will all end

Is this woo shit ever going to end? It's so fucking frustrating. I REALLY HATE THIS FUCKING DRUG. Then I ask myself, well, if it were marijuana would I really give a damn? I mean, it's so frustrating because when she's on this drug she acts SO STUPID. She can't take care of herself. It's like, why would you do something where you may need a friggin babysitter in case you can't control yourself? And honestly, I wouldn't care if she hung out with freakin' Shawntee's ass if they could manage to hang out and be sober. It's like their friendship is dependent on their drug usage.

I just, I love her so much but this drug it is just getting old. I'm slightly bitter because she was supposed to start school on Monday and I am really scared that I'll graduate and start to look for a career and she'll still be where she is now. I just don't know how much more of this drug I can handle. When it gets bad, she tells me she'll quit and she doesn't want to do it anymore. Then she tells me that she "won't explain herself anymore" as to why she does it. But it's not like she does it only when she's going through shit, she does it when she feels like it. There's no rhyme or reason to her use. It doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could just...deal with it, but it's like I feel stupid for having faith that she'll quit because every time she says she will. she doesn't. I got her this video game for her birthday because she said it will help her deal, but it's not like she's using it to her cope. She's still using the drug. I got her an mp3 player so she could deal, but it's like she's using that either. I mean, I know it's only been a little less than a week since she had it, but I'm bitter because I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to steer her away from this drug and no matter what I do she's still using. Do I really just have to accept that she uses? I DON'T WANT TO.

I'm so sick of it. Here we are, four months later, she promised it would be done in July. It's now almost November. This drug is really one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issue in our relationship. Then she always always wants to make this comparison to me and my drinking but I feel like the two are totally not comparable. Am I enabling her by staying and not taking a stand? I'm trying to be there for her, but it gets harder when I just feel like my feelings towards this drug are totally not even taken into consideration. I know I can't change her, but part of me believes if I stick around she'll quit. I stay because I see how she truly is when she's not on it. I see how she is when it's just she and I. She took her drug test today for work and I kinda knew the day that she took her pee test she'd go smoke. I just don't get it. Just because you went and took your drug test doesn't mean that it's all of a sudden the cue to go smoke!

Like, for real. This is so. fucking. FRUSTRATING. Why am I so hurt by this? Why does my heart sink when I know she's smoking? And it's crazy because she doesn't even have to tell me; I just know. For instance, after a certain point and I hadn't heard from her, I just knew what was happening. And now, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I'm so angry yet all I want to do is hear her voice so I can know she's OK. And even if I were to fall asleep, she'd wake me up and then I'd be furious and so it's a catch 22. Do I stay up now and allow myself to stay furious or do I just go to sleep so I can wake up furious? Why do I have to be fucking furious? This drug totally disillusions me from the rest of our relationship. And I think I jinx myself when I start to fall in love all over again. It's like every time I get all re-in love'd is when she smokes. Do I just quit getting excited about her and our relationship?

I just am preparing myself for her calling me high and acting like a jack ass. And the sad thing? I tolerate it. And I go back and forth with "it's not so bad" but really, IT IS! Seriously, when will it all end? Does she really think I want to live with her while she's still using? Sometimes I truly think the only way to get her to quit is to start a family. But I should want a family because I want one, not because I feel like it will get Lauren on track. It's like why can't she want to get on track for us? We have all of these things that we talk about doing but how the fuck are we supposed to do them if she's got this fucking expensive ass habit? I just want her to go to school, get a better job, get a place, get a car and BE HAPPY AND SOBER.

I wish this tightness in my chest would go away. Every minute that passes and the phone doesn't ring I get so nervous and upset. Part of me doesn't even want to answer the phone but i don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm not stupid, either. I try to tell myself "just get over it, try not to make a big deal out of it" but I just can't. If it's a big deal to me, then it should be a big deal to her. I would hate for our relationship to fall apart because of this drug but I can't even freakin' trust her.

Despite how much I love her, I just don't know how much deeper I can get into this relationship if she keeps using. Do I want to live with her if she's going to bring that shit into our house? No. Do I want to start a family with a frequent and habitual user of drugs? NOOO. I just don't know how much further I can continue to go if she just won't change. I feel like eventually it's going to come down to the drug or me. I can't bring her around my family or friends if she's going to continue to use. I can't do it. God, why can't she just get her shit together? Why do I have to feel like this? Why does she have to be so selfish sometimes?

I have so much shit going through my head right now. I'm so hurt, confused, angry, frustrated, unsure, etc., etc. All I can do is just sigh deeply, pray that she'll call, and then try to pick up the pieces. I don't deserve to be hurt like this over something so trivial.