Stressed and Agitated

I am feeling an unbelievable amount of stress. I feel like my chest is wound up and I'm just seconds away from blowing up. I am so full of tension, angry, confusion, stress, and I don't have any place to put it. I try to just tell myself not to "stress" but the more I tell myself not to "stress" the more angry and stressed I get. I just want to scream really loudly, hit a wall, do something to just make it go away - even if it is for just a little bit. There are just so many things that are stressing me out. I don't have any money. Lauren and I need an apartment and the apartment "we" (or I) wanted we need a co-signer for and her mom was supposed to co-sign and now I don't know if she will. Lauren doesn't have a job. I still have to finish school and my CA job. I have to pay off my car and I don't have the money yet. My Sallie Mae loan hasn't been certified by the school and they said it could take 4 to 6 weeks to certify it. I need to be out of my room by the 20th and I don't have an apartment set up yet.

It just feels like I'm all alone to deal with everything. If I try to talk to Lauren about it, I'm "stressing too much and when I stress it makes her stress" and then she gets mad and pissy towards me. So I can't really vent to her about it or really look at her for any support. I feel like I do so much during the week the least I could do is get some kind of "I appreciate what you're doing for me/us" or, "babe, let me give you a massage since you're doing so much." I feel like if I don't do things they won't get done. She wants me to "trust" that things will get done but the be perfectly honest I don't trust that things will get done because she just doesn't "stress".

I guess she thinks that everything will just fall into place and fate will have its way but I don't believe that. I feel like you have to persistently go after what you want to get it. I feel like she isn't looking hard enough for a job. I print things off for her at work, I try to encourage her to look in the job sections, get on the computer. I would have thought that now that we have a car that she would be out applying at places and she hasn't gone to one place to apply around here. It's like it's not that big of a deal if we don't have money. I feel like I carry the weight of everything on my shoulders and sometimes I just wish I could count on her to come through and help us out. Yes, her mom does give us money and it definitely helps considering I barely make $200 every 2 weeks, but still it's just like "if we're about to move in together, why aren't you agressively looking for a job? She says she wants to go to school, but it's like, what are you doing to make sure you get in and you get your grant accepted? I just feel like she has such lazy attitude towards things and it pisses me off. It makes me feel like when I get stressed about our situation, that I don't have her to support me. I feel like she just says "don't worry about it" when in fact we need to worry. I'm pissed because I really wanted to live in the two-bedroom apartment and I had my mind set on it because Lauren said her mom would co-sign but now here we are almost two weeks from when we need to move and we don't have an apartment. I just want some freakin support. She asks me why I always want to drink but I'm so stressed and I feel so tense and wound up that I really feel like I need to drink. The stress I'm feeling doesn't feel healthy. I just wish she'd be more supportive and help us out instead of me feeling like I can't trust her ability to come through. I'm just tired and stressed and I desperately need to be drunk right about now.

Situations that make me rage at Lauren -
1. Drugs
2. feeling disrespected by her exes regardless if there's any merit
3. not having my feelings respected or considered

When I rage, I know the logical solution is to wait until I'm calm to talk, but I get so furious that I need to scream and I need to talk it out just this second. However, the problem with this is when I get angry I have a tendency to say the first thing that comes to my mind and i tend to be extreme in my thinking and become incredibly illogical and disrespectful and then later regret it. I don't know what sets me off to the point where I get enraged. No situation should enrage me the way they do. I need to remind myself when I get angry that it is not always the best idea to talk it out right this second. I need to come up with more productive strategies to handle my anger. I need to learn to walk away from situations with Lauren and breathe and gather my thoughts as opposed to just saying them as they come to my head. I hate who I become when I get that angry but I can't justify to myself that I don't want to see that person again. I don't know why things Lauren does has a tendency to make me so angry. In retrospect, some of the things she does aren't that bad, but I think when I feel like any of the three things mentioned above happen, I feel insecure and then I feel like I don't matter and I am somewhat worthless or unappreciated and in turn, because my love for her is more intense than any love I've ever experienced, I develop an all or nothing mentality to where self-harm seems to be the only solution to numb the pain/make her feel bad for "hurting" me. But in reality, my self harm does nothing to keep her around; in fact it pushes her away. But in my mind - when I'm angry - "if she loved me she'd stop doing things so I wouldn't want to hurt myself". But if I learn to control my anger, self-harm will no longer be an issue. I need to calm down to truly assess the situation and learn to communicate more effectively with her and others. I need to become more secure and trusting so I don't feel threatened and accept that I can't control anything but myself. I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable/less crazy. I need to do things and learn to not hang them over people's heads as my father used to do to me. I need to become a more loving and understanding partner who can communicate effectively and be more understanding of our differences and embrace our similarities. I need to learn to just breathe...

SOC 320 Writing Assignment

Several Factors lead to an environment that is conducive to rape on college campuses. Many of the factors that affect a fraternity's behavior deals with their emphasis on machismo and portraying a strong, powerful image to outsiders. Many fraternities stray away from recruiting members who studying the arts or have traditionally-feminine majors. Additionally, men who do not physically exude masculinity and strength are often overlooked. Fraternities who have members who are physically appealing tend to be more popular amongst the student body as well as among females. However, in order to convince women to have sex with them, they often use alcohol as a weapon to coerce them. One way in which gang rapes occur is when women are intoxicated to the point that they can no longer give consent to sexual activities and several members of the fraternity take advantage of her intoxication.

Additionally, fraternities have a high level of loyalty where members keep their business within the fraternity. Moreover, if issues appear within the fraternity, they are encouraged to solve them within the fraternity as opposed to involving school officials and police authorities, which can diminish the level of secrecy within the organization. Moreover, in cases of rape, regardless of an individual's stance and opposition, because of his loyalty to the fraternity he will go along with their actions as opposed to ouright defying them.

In order to improve the environment so that it is no longer conducive to rape, fraternities will need to change their goals and their recruiting to ensure that they are recruiting men not because of their exemplification of masculinity, but because of their portrayal of fraternity standards and true masculine standards.

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Because individuals in the medical profession are held to such high prestige and are instilled with such a high level of trust, those under their care are less likely to assume any wrongdoing or negligence on the part of the medical professional. However, unfortunately, a large number of people are victims of medical negligence andwrongdoing each year. Prescribing unnecessary medicines, misdiagnosing a patient, and recommending unnecessary procedures are all examples of unethical practices. As a result of the heavy influences of insurance companies and those who are involved in the health care industry, many people are paying billions of dollars for medicines and procedures that are not needed.

Medical professionals are under a "protective cloak" - where because they are held to such a high level of esteem and are instilled such high levels of trust, people are reluctant to question the doctor's decisions and in turn, feel take their word as bond. Similar to members of a fraternity, doctors have a high level of loyalty to insurance companies in that - while the health of the patient is important - sometimes the financial benefits of a misdiagnosis can deter a doctor from making an ethical decision and to make one based on personal gain. Moreover, the prestige offered to physicians gives them more social capital to make decisions without question from those outside of their circle.

Hooks Paper

The book Where We Stand by bell hooks discusses the importance of class has on one's place in society. Further, by examining how class has directly impacted her life from adolescence up into adulthood, she was able to assess the importance of class as it affected her and others around her. As a child, hooks was raised to believe that race was an important factor that would affect her ability to succeed and grow within a society. Additionally, through her religious teachings, she was taught to believe that, rather than feel sympathy for the poor, she should instead look up to the poor and see them as our leaders. However. being a child of the Civil Rights movement, race was a pivotal issue that was a concern for both Black and White Americans. As a result, class was often ignored although it often had a larger influence than race.

In hooks's college years, she was met with the unpleasant reality of what classism was; moreover, she came to realize that her working class background would affect her college experience in ways that aggressively transcend the boundaries of race. Hooks discusses several incidents where her class background was often misunderstood and, in turn, ridiculed. As a result, her class often alienated her from her affluent classmates and at times made her feel shame for her family's economic background. As she furthered her education, she began to embrace her economic upbringing and re-examine the importance of class and how other people who are from lower and working classes -regardless of race -cope with how their economic positions affect thier quality of life and their views of themselves.

Hooks believed that as a result of classism, individuals of all races have had to overcompensate for their financial shortcomings by excelling in areas which produced both material and non-material wealth. Although one may be classified as being working or lower class, they could always use their ownership of items intended for those of higher economic classes to deceive others of their true class status. Furthermore, obtaining these upper-class possessions can allow one to feel a decreased amount of class shame.

Yet while individuals - especially African Americans - tried to soothe their economic woes by indulging in items to appease their wilted self-esteem, poorer whites loathed African Americans. Regardless of a black man or woman's economic status, poor whites saw their racial dominance as a way to continue their oppression of African Americans. Although whites were rejected by their own race, they still had the power of their skin color to degrade blacks and make them inferior regardless of their skin tone.

Furthermore, hooks realized that money could never determine an individual's character or their dignity. She went on to appreciate her upbringing and the lessons she learned from it. Despite the negative experiences she encountered as a result of it, she found a way to transcend the boundaries she would come to face and accept herself and others around her regardless of their status or position in society.

Where We Stand discusses the issues that a society is presented with when one of the determinants of one's status and quality of life is his/her economic status. Throughout hooks's childhood, she was taught to have solidarity for the poor and to learn from the experiences of the poor as a means to improve one's own character and appreciation of life. However, having grown up in a capitalist society where the emphasis is less community-centered and almost entirely self-centered, the poor have been left feeling class shame and - instead of being looked as leaders to help all people - have been looked at as individuals in need of charity who lack the defining characteristics that the higher class supposedly hold. Furthermore, by looking at how society's view of the poor along with how the poor view themselves within the context of sociological theory, one can further understand how society has created their views of the poor and, in turn, point the blame. By examing the role of Functionalism, Conflict Theory, & Symbolic Interactionism, one can get a better understanding of the poor and their roles in society.

Functionalism believes that the values that are instilled in us as children determine our roles in society. Furthermore, these roles that are prescribed to us are intended to help the greater cause of society. Per this theory, our society is made up of several interdependent functions that come together for the greater good of the rest of the society. However, it can be determined, per hooks, that for those who grow up in working or lower class households, these roles are less defined and, as a result have little function within society. The functions they do have, however, are intended to keep them in their current economic status and to assist those who are in higher classes in maintaining their status as well. In the chapter "Coming to Class Consciousness", hooks describes how, in her college years she began to realize that her education was not meant to uphold the beliefs and values of the working class; in fact, most conversations regarding the lower and working class were quite negative and left these individuals with little regard.

Through her college experience, she would come to see that at "the various colleges [I] attended [the classroom] was the place where social order was kept in place. Throughout my gradaute student years, I was told again and again that I lackd the proper decorum of a graduate student...Slowly I began to understand fully that there was no place in academe for folks from working class backgrounds who did not wish to leave their past behind...Poor students would be woelcome at the best institutions of higher learning only if they were willing to surrender memory" (36). Hooks's college experience exemplified the much larger picture society saw for those who were poor: in order to have a higher function within society, in exchange, one must leave behind their previously lower-held status. This degradation of the lower class usually led to class shame, where individuals would chose to stray from their family's economic background in order to bring increased self-esteem to oneself. By choosing to remain poor, one would never be regarded with esteem within their community, and would inevitably feel shame and pity as a result of their lack of success. The only way to have true function within society would be to abandon the poor and become one with the upper class.

Additionally, the self-esteem of the poor would cause those in lower classes to view certain objects as symbols of wealth and higher esteem both among themselves and those within their communities. If one could find the means to obtain these symbols, one could reduce their class shame and feel in someway connected with the upper class. In Symbolic Interactionism, it is believed that people respond to others by the way they perceive and interpret another person's actions. Moreover, if a person sees an individual who has wealth and material objects verifying this wealth, one will interpret that this person has high esteem amongst the community and is wealthy in various aspects in one's life. However, while the means by which a person obtained this wealth is unknown, an individual who seeks to obtain this level of social and economic capital will go to great lengths to ensure that they attempt to reach this level of social and economic solidarity.

Hooks discusses how - especially in the African American community - obtaining high levels of social and economic stature is incredibly difficult. However, unfortunately, some of the people who do surpass both the racial and economic boundaries in order to achieve success tend to look down upon blacks who have no obtained the same level of success as themselves. She states, "fewer black people know intimately the contrete everyday ways class power and priledge mediate this pain [racism], allowing some black folks to live luxuriously despite racism. Sadly, to escape this pain or to shield themselves from the genocide that is assaulting black masses, they surrender all transformative forms of racial solidarity in anti-racist strugle to protect thier class interests" (98). For the African Americans who have reached high levels of class, they tend to forget about the racial implications they once faced and many of their counterparts still face daily. As a result, those who still must deal with the racial inequalities that are still present in society will continue to interpret those who have as better than those who don't and, consequently, strive to achieve these statuses as a means for a high-ascribed status and high class esteem.

Where We Stand takes a scathing looking at the elephant in the room that has long been ignored: One's class can greatly affect one's quality of life as well as the opportunities an individual will be afforded in life. As individuals continue to strive for higher class status as well as a more effective means of achieving this status, those who "have" continue to be held to high esteem within society, while those who are of lower and working classes will most likely spend their lives striving to achieve higher social clout as well as high personal esteem. While lower class individuals are sometimes deemed with as offering little function to society, these individuals will turn to experiences with those with wealth to determine what they must do in order to achieve this level of societal esteem. However, per hooks, money is not the determining factor of one's wealth. Without dignity and character, a person is without any wealth because these characteristics cannot be purchased or bartered - they are instilled and practiced without a mere mention of what is in one's wallet.

SOC Theory Midterm

1. Are human beings motivated by interests or values? Summarize both positions discussed in Chapter 1 of Wallace & Wolf in your answer.

Depending on one's perspective, human behavior can be influenced by either interests or values. Per Functionalism, people's behavior is motivated by society's values that we are taught as we mature. Additionally, because our behavior is essentially learned at birth, it leaves very little room for individuals to create independent, autonomous decisions regarding our behavioral standard.

On the contrary, Conflict Theorists believe that interests motivate human behavior. Accordingly, they believe that as individuals fight for power and esteem within the community and within their social circles, there are interest for gratification motivates their actions. Interestingly, when conflict theorists discuss interests as being the main motivator of human behavior, they identify this behavior specifically as being able to inconspicuously promote one's own interests.

I believe that both theories are correct; however, I believe that - upon being born and into adolescence - individuals are motivated by their values. These values, which are instilled by one's parents, are the initial building blocks on which individuals make their decisions. However, as one gets older and is socialized by various mediums such as the media, school, and peers, one will begin to establish one's own interests. As these individual interests solidify and become more established, these interests will begin to dominate one's behavior. It is possible, however, for one's values to also be one's interests. In the case of people who practice various religions, a person who aspires to live and act in a manner that is conducive with their believes, will live according to their values since it is also something that is of interest to them.

2. Imagine you are invited to give a lecture on functionalism to an introductory sociology class of freshmen students. What would you tell the class? Be sure to discuss individual theorists.

Functionalism involves the interdependence of different parts of society. Within the different parts of society, each part plays a distinct role in maintaining a normal flow and keeping its state at equilibrium. If any part of society is disrupted, the rest of society will have to reorganize in an effort to bring society back to equilibrium. However, the process of reestablishing homeostatsis within society can be a difficult process, as it requires a rewiring of every other function in society. Three prominent sociologists -Emile, Durkheim, Talcott Parsons, and Robert Merton -established significant Functionalism theories to try to better understand the interworkings of society.

Emile Durkheim is one of the most influential theorists of Functionalism. One of Durkheim's primary interests in discussing and theorizing Functionalism is the concept of integration. Integration discusses the individual's role within society as a whole. Additionally, he discusses the society's transition from a collective unit in which values provided the framework for individual activity to the impact the division of labor had as society becamse more industrialized. Initially, individuals relied on each member of their community to provide a specific service for the entire community. As a result, one's identity became synonomous with the community. However, as individuals began to do more for themselves and become more independent as technology assisted in this transition, people became more concerned with their own interests than those of the community. While the community's interests were still of importance, the interests of the individual became more and more prominent in one's every day behavior and attitude.

Durkheim was also famous for his concept of anomie. Anomie, which is french for "normlessness" , is defined as when rules or norms are absent from a society. Per Durkheim, their were two types of anomie: acute anomie, which occurred after a significant life event such as divorce or untimely crisis; and chronic anomie, which is a state of constant change. In his study on suicide, he says that individuals need structure in the form of norms and values in order to properly function in society. In events of acute anomie, these significant change can throw off a person's balance; Without this, an individual will lose their sense of homeostasis, which in turn can result in suicide.

Another important Functionalism theorist is Talcott Parsons. Parsons's action theory was his major sociological contribution. Per this theory, society consisted of four systems: the cultural system, the social system, the personality system, and the behavioral organism as a system. According to Parson's, the cultural system is made up of actions which carry symbolic meanings. These meaning can derive from religion, political affiliation, or other beliefs and values that are held by a society. These meanings and values are then internalized by those who associate with them. In a social system, however, role interaction is an important component in determining society's condition. Per Parsons, a social system consists of more than one actor - which can be a person or a collective group of persons - and their interactions among familiar backgrounds and settings where individuals share similarly structured cultural symbols.

Within the personality system, there is more focus on the individual actor and one's desires, needs, and motives and how a person's need for gratification of these things can influence one's actions. Parsons's belief that, in ther personality system, people are motivated by their own wants and desires, is consistent with the ideas of the Conflict Theory, in that individuals are driven by their personal desires as opposed to those of others and society at large. The last system discussed by Parsons is the behavioral organism, in which he seeks to analyze an individual's physiological systems to determine one's actions. Moreover, one's environment also plays an important role in defining one's actions within the larger social system.

Another important Functionalism theorist is Robert K. Merton who, instead of trying to come up with an all-encompassing theory like Parsons, did not try to theorize about society based upon one theory. Instead, he focused on a more general theory with less restrictions and was more relatable to every day society and it's situations. While his theory is inheritantly different from that of Parsons, it does relate in the fact that they both look at Functionalism as the relationship between interdependent parts. Moreover, Merton also believes that culture plays an important role in determining the shared values within a community. However, he focuses more on function than on the system like Parsons.

Merton differs from other Functionalism sociological theories in that he does not focus as much on the inherent "normal state" of society. He, instead, seeks to identify the dysfunction within society. Merton's idea of dysfunction can be divided into two important ideas: the incorporation of consequences in society can throw off the dynamic within a society and essentially weaken it, and the rules of function and dysfunction are ambiguous in that what is functional for one may be dysfunctional for another.

3. Your textbook identifies two traditions within conflict theory. Discuss each and then discuss which tradition you feel more afficinity for and why.

Two traditions in respect to Conflict Theory are discussed in Contemporary Sociological Theory. The first tradition is that individuals are driven by their need for gratification based on one's own motives, wants and desires. The second tradition states that individuals are driven by their urgency for power and assertiveness within the community. With these two traditions are two influential sociologists - Karl Marx and Max Weber - who have studied these ideas and their impact on society.

Marx believed that the core conflict in society is when individual interests collide with those of the ruling class. Marx, also a key figure in Communism, sees individual desires - albeit economic or material gain - as a factor in determining one's behaviors. Additionally, people most often often act in a way that will best support their interests; when they do not act accordingly, it is because the person does not know their own "true" interests. However, one's individual desires can be overshadowed by those of the powerful majority. The powerful majority has the power to create society's standards and, in turn, affect one's perception of one's own desires.

Weber shared a similar view as Marx in that people are primarily motivated by their self-interests. However, Weber believed that one's self-interests are usually dependent upon the values of society. He also focused on the role of the powered few and how only a few people could exercise control over the society at large. He disagreed with Marx in that economic interests were the only motivator of human behavior. He argued that several other factors - such as education, religion, or other affiliation - could impact one's actions. Weber also claimed that there were three types of authority: charismatic authority, traditional authority, and rational-legal authority.

In charismatic authority, Weber states that people look up to a leader not because of his title, but because of the qualities the person carries. In this type, people are more likely to have an affinity to this person after careful observation and interaction with this person. These leaders are usually easily relateable and lures in society with the personality as opposed to because of their status.

Traditional authority, on the other had, deals with leaders who hold these roles because of family or other historical ties that inevitably carry this person into their current role. While this type is also personal like in charismatic authority, society views a traditional figure as a leader because they have to, not based on personal traits that have been directly displayed to the public in order to sway their opinion. They are mainly leaders by association.

Lastly, Rational-Legal authority establishes power based on rules that have already been set. This type of authority is not personal like Traditional and Charismatic authority. It is mostly derived from a set of rules that have already been established for which those in power are to direct those in society to obey.

I have an affinity to Marx's theory that individuals tend to act in a way that is consistent with one's economic standards. Today, society is driven by the accumulation of material items to establish one's worth. Additionally, there is less emphasis on the community as a mainstay for values within the individual; the individual looks at society to see what it can do for himself as opposed to what he can do for society. With the increase in technological advances that are based more on vanity than function, individuals in society are allowing their need for economic gratification to establish oneself in the community as a person of power. The more you have, the more powerful you are in the community.

4. Is society evolving? Why or why not?
Society is continuing to evolve as a result of technological advances that have caused our society to become less dependent on society and more self-reliant. In the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, society underwent more severe changes as the technological advances changed the economy and the way goods were produced. Additionally, the onset of industrialization shifted society from a society that relied on farms and others in society to produce goods, to a society in which factories created the goods faster, cheaper, and more effectively. One could say that, with the introduction of factories, railroads, and motor vehicles, individual interests went from those in which each individual seeked to fulfill their role as a part of society to roles in which one's chief motivation was to satisfy one's own desires.

Today, however, society's evolution has become more stagnant. Instead, the role of the individual has been expanded and society has lost a majority of it's influence on individual behaviors and values. With the introduction of internet, cell phones, and other devices meant to make communication less personal, there is less need to talk to people and it has become increasingly easier to obtain products and services with limited contact with the rest of society. While technological advances have improved society's conditions throughout civilization, today's technology is based more on vanity than on function. Additionally, technology has created a society where one's worth can be measured by one's possession of intensive technological material items and less on one's effect on society based on what he or she can contribute to the rest of society. As we shift from a community-to-self-driven society, our evolution is slowing down.

I don't understand how and why it happened, but I don't know why I love her as much as I do. I have never felt so strongly for another human being in my life. I have never wanted to give so much of myself for someone else ever. All I want is to love her, to spend my life with her, to have a family with her. I want it all. And all I ever feel is she's "unsure" about me. I wish she just knew. I want her to be sure that she wants to me with me. I want her to love me for all of my flaws. I want her to accept me as I am. Blah. I hate love. It's so confusing.

Convicted Rapists Vocabulary of Motives

When committing an act that society deems as deviant, criminal actors will create different motives and excuses to justify their behavior. Even when justifying crimes deemed heinous such as rape, those who commit these acts tend to come up with their own reasons why their actions are not as deviant as the rest of society views them. Per the book Constructions of Deviance, rapists develop their own vocabulary of motives to credit their behavor as acceptable. Moreover, these deviants were likely to justify their behavior by using one of five excuses for their actions.

The first excuse given is that women are seductresses. This implies that women present themselves in a manner that is essentially enticing the deviant actor to pursue ger for a sexual encounter. Secondly, these deviant actors may claim that women mean "yes" when they say "no". This justification attempts to discredit a woman's ability to make independent decisions and almost implies that her saying "no" is a means of trying to further seduce the rapist.

A third justification is that most women eventualy relax and enjoy it. This idea of being persistent attempts to say that most women are uncomfortable at the beginning of a sexual encounter; however, as time and effort persists, she will eventually calm down and allow herself to enjoy the experience. Moreover, another justiftication is that "nice girls don't get raped". This justification does not necessarily discredit the rapist's actions, but mostly discredit's the victims character. It implies that the victim deserved to be raped. Lastly, a rapist wil say that the act is only a minor wrongdoing. In this case, the rapist does not deny accountability, but instead downplays the gravity of their actions as only being something minor.

However, their are also rapists who acknowledge their wrongdoing and fully blame themselves for the rape occurring and not the victim. They view their actions as being morally unjustifiable and, in turn view themselves as repulsive and vile beings. For individuals who justify their actions, their excuses for their actions are designed for outsiders. However, for the case of those who internalize their criminal behavior, their excuses are designed for themselves to encourage them to have piece within themselves.

Social Psychology Midterm

Stereotyping can be defined as "beliefs aboult social groups in terms of the traits or characteristics they they are deemed to share". With stereotying, it is easier to judge an entire group as all being alike as opposed to viewing one's own group as being the same. While members of the group in question are perceived as all possessing the same traits, one will view his own group as having autonomous members who are all different from each other. The idea of seeing members of the opposing group as all being the same is known as out-group homogeneity. Additionally, viewing members of one's own group as being different and not like one another is known as in-group differentiation. Sometimes, members of the minority group see themselves and other members of their group as being alike since they share common experiences and may seem more similar amongst each other than to the stereotyping group. This is referred to as in-group homogeneity. Stereotyping can be seen as very similar to prejudice in that it involves creating an opinion on another person or group based on ignorance. Prejudice, which is a negative attitude towards a certain group, has been prevalent in society for many years. However, there are differing opinions as to how prejudices are formed and how to combat them. In looking at four theories on the development of prejudice - realistic conflict theory, social learning, social cognition, and social categorization - one can determine the root of this attitude as well as attempt to develop new strategies to combat these negative attitudes.

One way in which prejudice can develop is when two groups, both of which who are competing for the same things, begin to look at the other as an opponent. This concept is best exemplified in Realistic Conflict theory. Realistic Conflict theory suggests that when two groups are both striving for the same desirable items in life such as homes, cars, jobs, and other material possessions to enhance one's fulfillment within their own life, they may tend to look at others who are striving for the same things as competition. By looking at these individuals as opponents, they may label those in competition with them as rivals, and see themselves and their quest for these items as superior to the needs of others. Additionally, this view may cause those who see their quest as being superior will attempt to marginalize other groups as a means to justify why they deserve these things more than others.

Sometimes, one's distorted views of others can come from their experiences in certain situations. The Social learning view states that children develop their prejudice attitudes from observing people who display prejudice attitudes. Further, when these children mimic this behavior and receive positive reinforcement, these prejudices are further engrained in their minds as being acceptable. These attitudes will be carried with these children as they develop into adolescene and adulthood. While the Social Learning view determines that prejudices are developed during crucial learning periods of childhood, individuals who may be shunned later on in life by others as a result of these attitudes will have a tendency to surround themselves with people with similar views. In contrast, the more a person is exposed to differing viewpoints on other people and situations, it is likely that these attitudes can be diminished and changed. Social learning correlates to Social Cognition in that they both deal with how an individual's interactions with the world can affect how one will inevitably view the world. Social cognition can be defined as "the manner in which we interpret, analyze, remember, and use information about the social world." One's social cognition is dependent on his or her daily interactions with the world in which one lives. As we go through our own set of unique experiences daily, we will interpret situations as we see them and, in turn, develop our attitudes and behaviors based on what we see.

In determining one's place within society, we soon realize that we all fall into some kind of social category. Once we begin to categorize ourselves, we may start to view society with an "us" versus "them" mentality. Moreover, by looking at the view with this divisive mindframe, we will start perceive those who are not in the same category as "us" as different and, in turn, our inference of others will be misconstrued and create prejudice. The idea of forming social groupings is also known as Social categorization.

Social categorization is unique in that there are no definite qualifications for in-groups ("us") and out-groups ("them"). For example, to some people, shoes are incredibly important; moreover, an individual who places a high status on the quality of one's shoes may have a distorted view of people who choose to adorn themselves with nice shoes as opposed to those who are more apathetic to shoe branding and quality. To some people, social categorization may seem like a harmless social activity in which everyone participates. However, this process can have negative consequences in that, people have a tendency to create negative viewpoints about those who we see as being different and not in the same category as us.

Some people believe if people were to see themselves as member of a much larger group, it is possible to reduce the amount of prejudice towards others in a perceived minority group. According to the common in-group identity model, as stated on page 245 of Social Psychology, "to the extent individuals in different groups view themselves as members of a single social entity, inter-group bias will be reduced". More generally, if people were to see themselves and others as a member of "the human race" as opposed to member of several different smaller groups, the sense of community would be larger and there would be less need to reach inferences about an individual who is a member of the group to which you also belong.

While the attitudes created by stereotypes and prejudice seem inevitable, some people believe that there are ways to combat these ideas in order to create a more just society. One way in which psychologists believe that prejudice can be combatted is contact hypothesis. Contact hypothesis suggests that by exposing people with prejudices to the people about which they have a prejudice, they can use these interactions to change their opinions about these people. Moreover, they can also see that these people who they have formed these negative attitudes about actually have similarities to themselves. By seeing oneself in another, it can reduce these ideas about members of other groups.

Additionally, another possibly way to change these attitudes is to attach consequences to those who display these beliefs. the idea of collective guilt suggests that when a person is confronted with "the harm that their group's prejudice has had" on another group, they will in turn feel "guilt by association".When the perpetrator of prejudice feels collective guilt for their behaviors, they are less likely to show prejudice behaviors for the sake of not reliving these experiences.

Within my lifetime, I have been a victim of prejudice. Growing up, I have always been an athlete and have played at varsity levels throughout

Shawshank Redemption Paper

In society, one of the most popular forms of punishment for deviant individuals who commit criminal acts is to send them to a correctional facility. Although the rest of society has rejected this person as a result of this behavior - in a restricted setting like prison - people begin to adapt to their surroundings. Inevitably, the longer one stays in this setting, the more institutionalized people become. Criminals will soon readily accept their status as a prisoner as well as establish a new identity within this community. In the film Shawshank Redemption, this is further explored as it follows several characters who spend a significant amount of time being incarcerated. Through their time in jail, they learn to adapt to to their surroundings and essentially create a society in which they are functioning and important members. However, as the incarcerated band together, those who are in charge of them may abuse their power in an attempt to further demoralize the prisoners and increase their own personal and economic gain. By attempting to understand sociological theories such as Functionalism and the Conflict Theory, one can better understand the rationale for some of the behaviors shown by the characters as portrayed in Shawshank Redemption.

The ability to feel like an active member of a society offers fulfillment not only to the person initiating their role in society, but also to others around them. Without the ability to feel like a productive member of society, an individual will feel without purpose and in turn strive to find a way to achieve an accepted role within their community. This desire to be a functioning member of a society is explored in the Functionalism theory. Functionalism can be described as the interdependence of several different aspects of society to create a place where one's individual needs are met. Moreover, while a society has several different parts that make each section unique, it is also vital that all of these pieces coincide to create a stable and homoegenous unit.

With one piece of society out of order, the rest will follow suit and gradually disintegrate until equilibrium is reestablished. Because of the sensitive infrastructures of civilzation, individuals looking to integrate into their respective community will try to find their niche and use it to establish important roles so they can become an essential part of their surroundings.
In a more restrictive setting like prison, it is more difficult to establish the same homogeneity because the individuals that make up that society are individuals who have already disrupted the civility in mainstream. Moreover, in Shawshank Redemption, two characters, Red and Brooks, learn to integrate themselves into the Prison community and create a sense of equilibrium without completely disrupting their already uncertain environment.

The character Red in Shawshank Redemption utilizes his ability to network as well as his rapport with other prisoners to become a staple within the prison community. Known as "the guy to go to when you need something", Red establishes himself as a respected member of this society and, in turn, offers stability to the rest of the prison population by offering his services to individuals in efforts to create a more comfortable and consistent environment. Although it is clear that some of the objects Red obtains for his fellow inmates are unacceptable - for example, the posters of popular female actresses he secures over the years for Andy Dufresne - it is generally accepted by other members of the prison population as to not throw off the normalcy amongst the other inmates throughout Shawshank.

Brooks also represented the key points of functionalism. Brooks, an older prisoner who had spent a majority of his life in prison, also had become a functioning member of Shawshank. He was solely in charge of maintaining the Prison library and rarely was his respected role as the librarian challenged by either the prison population or the employees. More interesting, however, was that while the prison essentially relied on Brooks to provide a service for them, Brooks also relied on the prison environment. After being institutionlized for a number of years, Brooks adapted to life as a prisoner and, eventually, being a prisoner was the only role he knew. Further, his status allowed him to feel fulfillment within the confined and depressing conditions in which he lived. However, once he was released into the free world, Brooks lost his function and importance. Upon returning to mainstream society, he had to reconfigure his mind frame to one in which he had not known for a decades. As his fulfillment waned, so did his function. Unfortunately, he inevitably committed suicide because he could not find the same equilibrium he had felt for so long in prison. Both Brooks and Red exemplified how, in Functionalism, several different parts make up a society and have a function that adds to its stability. Additionally, because of the purpose they served, they also felt a sense of fulfillment because of their ability to have an impact on the rest of the prison population.

Another sociological theory that can be used to explain society's infrastructure is the Conflict Theory. Conflict Theory suggests that, within a society, groups are in constant struggle amongst each other. Further, the group that asserts power will inevitably find ways to diminish other groups who the dominant group sees as a threat. If one bases his/her place based solely on the principles of Conflict Theory, one may feel that they have not had the same opportunities for advancement and success as those who are a part of the majority.

Karl Marx, an influential theorist, argued the Conflict Theory even further by suggesting that, as a result of this societal struggle, social hierarchies inevitably develop that further contain individuals to stay in their current social positions. In Shawshank Redemption, this theory can be tested by observing the relationship between the prison warden and Andy Dufresne.

One of the subplots of the film is the prison warden's mistreatment of prisoners and the subpar conditions the inmates endure while at Shawshank. There are several instances in the film where the prison warder or a member of his staff is seen verbally or physically abusing one of the inmates in an attempt to assert his power over the inmates. In these overt instances, violence is used by the dominant group to establish their control over the inmates and discourage them of their ability to see themselves as anything more than a rejected member of mainstream society.

This assertion of power becomes vague once Andy Dufresne establishes himself amongst the prison employees as an intelligent and resourceful individual who could in fact benefit their lives outside of prison life. Dufresne, who was wrongly accused of killing his wife and her lover, introduces his accounting skills to the prison guards in an intense argument where Dufresene, without provocation, initiates a conversation with a guard to inform him of how he can avoid paying taxes on a lump sum of money he will be receiving. Initially, the guard attempts to demoralize Dufrense by establishing his position over him; however, once he realizes that Dufresne can actually assist him, he allows him to offer his expertise. After this interaction, Dufresne becomes an important financial asset to the prison community and inevitably takes charge of the Prison Warden's finances as he attempts to hide his financial scams.

As Dufresne becomes more and more involved in handling these funds, his role as solely a prisoner is diminished and the Warden's control over Dufresne becomes less and less significant. While he attempts to establish his authority over him by making him spend significant amounts of time in solitary confinement, he essentially begins using excessive punishment as a means of covering up his own inner conflict. Once Andy escapes from prison and uncovers the Warden's scandal to the public, not only does he ruin the stability of the prison, but he also exerts his own power over the Warden which inevitably ends in the death of the warden. Within the prison, brute force was often used to enforce the prison hierarchy in which the prisoners fell at the very bottom. However, Andy Dufresne not only challenged the Functionalism theory within the prison by establishing a position in the community and offering homogeneity to the warden and his employees and inevitably turning against it, but he also challenged the Conflict Theory by relinquishing control over his destiny and succeeding despite the Prison's oppressive conditions.

I have so many emotions running through my head right now. Lauren got in a car accident after driving while high. She doesn't remember any of it. I am so furious with her right now but I can't be too upset right now because she's alive and she has another chance to get her life together. I'm so mad at her, because I would always tell her that she has no business driving when she's high. She tried doing that with me in the car once and I forced her to pull over so I could drive because she just couldn't handle operating a car. I want to yell at her so badly and I am just so pissed at her for continuing to make so many stupid, stupid mistakes. Part of me is like, "you know what, I really need to leave her alone. She is just a lost cause" but part of me really really hopes she realizes that she could have died and it's time to finally get her life together or else she won't be given any more chances at rebuilding. I just hate this damn drug and what it's doing to her. It's making her make dumb decisions, she almost DIED because of this drug. As far as I'm concerned, there is no longer any excuse to use. She crashed her mother's car. Her mom is probably LIVID. Shit, I'm livid for her. This drug just makes her act so irresponsibly. She needs to go to rehab ASAP. I really hope after she gets out of the hospital and heals that she goes.

But as angry as I am, I love her and I want to be by her side IF she decides to get her life together. I just can't keep watching her destroy herself like this. I wish I could be there right now to just make sure she's OK and to take care of her. It's crazy that tonight the episode of Fresh Prince where Will gets shot came on and it was just too intense for me. What if I had lost Lauren tonight? I don't know what i would have done. I knew something wasn't right. When I called her and she didn't answer for hours I just knew something wasn't right. I want to be strong for her so bad right now, but sometimes being strong for her takes a toll on me. It's like, I want to be strong for you, but I can't do it every day. She really needs to get it together NOW. But I love her so much and when she's sober, she is the most amazing woman and I want that woman 100% of the time. I want her to be healthy and happy and be able to right the wrongs she's committed throughout her life.

I was so happy when she called me. I was the first person, after her mom, who she called. I love Lauren so much. I want her to get sober. I want her to get happy. She NEEDS to get sober. Like, there's no personal choice involved. I'm really curious as to what her mother's reaction to her is going to be. I just know that she is going to be incredibly depressed after this and I really really need to be there for her emotionally. So I'm going to go home on Thursday so that I can be there to support her and just make sure she's OK. All I can pray is that this accident was a wake up call to her to get her life together and to finally quit this drug and grow up and move forward. I'm just going to continue to pray for her and me. We both really need it.

It seems like the harder I try to get you to understand me, the further I push you away. I want more than anything to be with you and for us to be happy. I hate that it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can never seem to get it right. I love being around you, so when I come home, all I want is to be around you. But Cleveland is your home, not mine. And all I've ever wanted when i come home is not to take you away from your already existing life, but just to be an important part of it. Sometimes, I feel like you are the perfect manifestation of everything I've ever looked for in a partner: you've got the looks, the brain, the humor, the heart. And I think about how many great things we have experienced, the great things that you have done for me. I think about the time you came to see me during CA training and how your chief objective was just to bring me peace and make me feel at ease while I endured a rough two weeks. I remember when we went to Cheesecake Factory and took in the amazing scenery and stared into each others' eyes at dinner and talked and laughed about everything and nothing. I remember when we went shopping on the day before your birthday and were out ALL DAY just enjoying each other. There are so many good things we have experienced that, when I get angry, I totally forget about. Like I said, when I come home, I don't mind having to "fit" into your life because you're a busy woman. I don't ever look at you seeing me and me seeing you as a tally card as to who-did-what-how-many-times. However, it hurts me when I feel like, when I want you to come over to see me or if you have the car to just come by to say hi, that you will instead choose "other" things instead. I often find myself comparing what you do to what I do and it doesn't make sense because seeing you and being with you means the world to me. So, when you make the choice to not see me or when you tell me you will and then don't, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you. It makes me feel like I'm worthless to you and, in turn, everyone else. I know that I have a lot of issues with feeling important and being validated and it's not your job to "fix" my insecurities and my problems. If anything, I feel like because you know so well how much it affects me when my family and friends make me feel unimportant, it hurts so much more when you do or say things that make me feel like that. I feel like, "Lauren, you're supposed to be my rock. You know my heart, you know my fears. You know my pain." It just hurts so much more, I wish you knew how much you meant to me, how much I love you, how much I want you, how much I need you. I know you hate my anger. You hate my temper. You hate my instability. And I hate all of these things too. When I get angry, I can't see anything straight, I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't make any sense. It's like when I hurt, I can't be the only one hurt. I want you to be hurt, too. I can't make an excuse for why I do this, but it's a defense mechanism that I've picked up. I hate being hurt. I feel like pain for me is intensified x 30. I have dealt with - in my opinion - so much pain and rejection that, when I'm hurt or rejected, I don't know what else to do but to lash out. In theory, I just want to say to you "if you didn't hurt me, i wouldn't lash out", but unfortunately it's not that easy because sometimes I find myself taking things out on you. But, really, sometimes I wish you would just be mindful of me and how I might feel. I wish I could feel like your queen. I wish I could be there for you to support you and to be your rock just as you have been for me so many times. I wish I could be there to make you smile and laugh when you have a bad day. I wish I could be there when you come home to cook you dinner and hold you while you tell me about your day. I wish i could have you, Lauren, 100% of you. I know that you have your own demons and your own issues that you deal with, and my craziness probably does nothing to help it. I want to be there for you so bad as you try to move forward in your life. As I've always said, it would give me more joy than the world has to offer to be by your side as you walk through life. I hate that when I get angry, i lash out and call you every name in the book. It's not healthy nor is it right. I get so hurt by some things and I feel like, "why does she not care about me?" and I don't know what else to do. But I do know that if you love someone you should never talk to them the way I talk to you when I'm angry. But, then I ask myself, what do you do when you feel rejected by your partner and they don't seem to see or try to see how what they did, or didn't do, really hurt your feelings? You want them to understand, but then when I try to explain it, I just look like I'm trying to hoard you in a corner away from everyone else. You don't see it as me trying to spend time with the love of my life. I wish you could just see that me wanting to spend time with you was NOT about keep you away from people or to hoard you, I want to spend time with you because I am so happy and complete when I'm with you. because when I'm with you, I feel a new breath enter my lungs and I feel an extra bolt of energy. If I'm wrong for wanting to spend every waking minute with the love of my life even if only have mere seconds, than I'll be more than wrong. I can't express to you how much I love you nor can I express to you how sorry I am that I have emotionally hurt you with my words. I know that I have a lot of issues I need to work on, and I try so so so hard to fight my angry demons. It may not seem like it, but i've been fighting myself and trying to not let the small things get to me. I've tried so hard. It seems that more than I succeed, i fail at trying to calm myself down and trying to communicate effectively. More than anything, I wish you could be there for me as my rock to help me deal with my demons. I wish I could go to Couple's counseling with you so we could work out some of our issues. More than anything I want to be with you. I've tried to fight it, but it's not possible. I know that we have had a rocky six months, but despite that, I do not believe for a second that we CANNOT be happy and fulfill each other because it HAS happened and continues to happen. I don't want us to just "work out", I want us to be happy, I want us to complete each other. I, like you, am tired of the fights & the drama and the screaming and the crying and the drinking and the drugs and the cutting and the bullshit. I'm tired. I'm ready to be happy. I want more than anything to be happy with you. I want to work through ALLLLL of the bullshit, pick up the broken pieces and find a glue that will TRULY keep it together. I want you to trust my emotions, and trust my heart. I want to trust your sincerity, and trust your heart. I know none of this comes easy, but I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for what I feel in my heart is meant to be, even though sometimes people on the outside would wonder "are you fucking crazy?!" Yea, I am crazy, but I'm also a human and I have the ability to reason and in retrospect, I see that we both have made plenty of mistakes, but mistakes shouldn't be the cancer that kills us. Mistakes can be salvaged, they can be looked at and you can learn from them. If anything that I get from this, I hope that you can just understand where I come from and where my anger comes from. I want you to hear me and hear the sincerity in my heart that I do not want to hurt you anymore. I want you to feel that I am in love with you and that no matter what words have been said out of anger and spite, that I truly do believe you are a beautiful, talented, smart, hilarious, sensitive, and loving person. I love you and I will never stop. I hope that you can see that. If you choose to never be with me again, I will find the strength - whether it be through renewed faith, my family, working, something- to let you move on and pursue your own happiness. It hurts so much to even write that because I just want to scream "PLEASE SEE THAT HAPPINESS IN ME!" I hope you hear my words and you hear my heart. I love Lauren. I love you so much. You will always be my goosey.

It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people yet STILL be alone. Being a CA, I always have SOMEONE around, whether it be a resident, another CA, a supervisor, or just as a student: I'M ALWAYS AROUND PEOPLE. But the crazy part about it is regardless of how many people I have around, I still feel so lonely. I miss VA so much because I had all I needed there. I had my best friend. We were there for each other REGARDLESS. It didn't matter if we had nothing to do or tons, I always knew that if I needed anything (which was usually just someone to laugh with and make me forget about the world that bugs me) she would be there for me. I miss my family. I miss being able to come to my mom for anything and just sit with her and talk about life. I miss having my brothers around to make me laugh or just distract me from whatever. When I first got to college, I was just excited to be away from home. Now, all I can look forward to is going home. When I go home, I have my mom, I have Lauren, I have comfort and sanity that I don't have at school.

Now, here I am at school and I have NO ONE. It's like, here I am in this job where I'm constantly being surrounded by people, but at the end of the day, I'm alone. I feel confined by these four walls and I just scream in my mind to get out. I used to hang out with Chris but now we've fallen out and I used to think we'd be best friends but now it seems like that's not the case. It hurts that someone who I thought, regardless of what our relationship status was, would be there as my friend is pretty much obsolete now. It hurts me because I thought Chris was...well...someone else. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the fact that our friendship is pretty much not there anymore.

I'm sick of feeling like this. It pisses me off when people say "well, why don't you go make friends?" Well, you know why? Because I'm sick of meeting acquaintances and people I can say hi/bye to. I'm sick of meeting drinking buddies. Because, you know what? Those people who you say hi to and tell stupid jokes to and who just want to hang out with you because you're a fun person to party with won't be there when you get in a fight with your parents/partner. They don't care if you're without a car and need to go DOWN THE STREET (yes, that was a specific situation that is currently pissing me off), they aren't there when you're just having a shitty day and just need company.

I'm sick of dealing with phony people. I'm sick of dealing with sometime-y people. I'm sick of feeling like the people who I wish were there would rather be doing something else. I'm sick of struggling by myself. I'm just fed up. It's taking everything in my power to not transfer back home to be with my mom. I can't stand this lonely feeling. I'm so mad at so many people - including myself - and I'm just sick of a lot of things right now.

The more I sit here and think about this situation, I'm just about convinced that NO ONE would EVER think that this situation was OK! Let me type it out:
So, yesterday evening, Lauren calls me and says, "Hey, I was just letting you know that I'm leaving tonight and I probably won't be back." I'm like, "OK, where are you going?" Her response. To Shawntee's. I'm like, OK, are you sleeping over? Her response?Yea.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Shawntee is Lauren's EX-GIRLFRIEND. Supposedly, they are now "best friends". Question 1: Would you EVER be OK with your partner SLEEPING OVER at their EX'S house, regardless of if they are best friends OR if your partner is "really close" with their family?
So then, she gets mad at me because I went off. In my opinion, that shit is NOT COOL and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Lauren is 26 YEARS OLD.

YOU DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!!!!!!!

So then, she gets mad at ME for getting mad at HER that she thinks I shouldn't be MAD!

So what makes this even worse is ALL WEEK I had been saying to Lauren, "I have an issue with your relationship with Shawntee. I think that when I come to visit for the weekend, she should NOT you every day. OH! BUT GET THIS!!!!
When I came to see her last weekend, she says to me, "would you be mad at me if I left the house for a little bit?" I'm like, what do you mean 'leave the house'? Where are you trying to go and leave me here?! Her response? I NEED TO TAKE SHAWNTEE TO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.

QUESTION 2: If your girlfriend came THREE HOURS to see you and you don't see each other except every two/three weeks, WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER AT HOME SO YOU CAN GO TAKE YOU EX TO HER "AUNT'S HOUSE?!?!?!
NO! So then, I said, you know what?! Fuck this, so I called my mom and decided to go hang out with her for a little bit. THEN! When I get home, she gets mad at me and says, "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR ME!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! She says, "well, if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be able to stay attached at your hip all of the time." Huh?! WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER!

Anyways, I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I flipping out for no reason or am I entitled to be upset?

This house stuff

So, this living situation thing is really stressing me out. So, Lauren and I are SUPPOSED to be moving in together when I go home next Saturday. As much as I want to do it, and as much as I love Lauren, there are so many things in her life that I just can't get down with. I can't stand her drug use. I mean, I know it could be a lot worse but regardless of what it could be, I just don't like it. Period. I hate the smell of it, I hate how she acts on it even if she is acting rationally and I just don't like it. I guess how I feel about her woo use is similar to how some people feel about Marijuana. I don't know if I can live in a household where that's being done. On top of that, her relationship with her exes really bugs me and i don't like it. Namely with Shawntee, I fel like Shawntee is incredibly manipulative and adds nothing positive to Lauren's life except that they frequently smoke woo together and that Lauren is close to her family. Shawntee is not doing anything with her life and Shawntee & Lauren are talking constantly and it really bugs me that, especially when I'm in town for weekends, Shawntee insists on calling multiple times a day and it just bugs me because I feel like she should respect the fact that I'm in for the weekend and Lauren and she can't talk as often as they usually do. I guess I want so bad for us to keep progressing and I'm afraid that I can't deal with some of the things she has to offer. I have been incredibly quiet and subtle about her smoking woo, but as things could potentially get more serious, I'm afraid I can't handle it anymore than she has to offer. I really want to tell her "quit now, or I leave" but I know that won't work. I feel like she's constantly choosing the drug over me. I hate that Shawntee is such a shady person that Lauren wraps herself into. Her and Shawntee have the same dependent relationship from when they were together and i can't stand it. I don't think Shawntee should be allowed to smoke in our house. To be honest, i don't think Lauren should either. I don't trust that - after I leave for break - Lauren won't have her exes spending the night to "keep her company". I just don't know if I'm ready for this moving in thing until I'm permanently home and out of school. I just don't know if I'm as ready or I can handle all of this as well as I thought.

yep, still gettin' on my nerves

God, she gets on my nerves. Ya know what really annoys me? Is how she'll say she thinks we should just go to sleep so our issues will be "slept away", but then when I wake up and I'm still angry she gets mad! I mean, Lauren, you'd think you would have me figured it out by now. Anywho, so she really annoyed me today. I wish I had someone I could flirt with or just make me feel better; more or less, I just need some Friday validation and the LAST thing I want to do is be on duty tonight. I need a drink so bad. I need to go to the store and get some food & some cigs & yea. Maybe some vodka would be nice too. She just perturbs me. Some of the shit she says, it's just like, "really?!" I mean, she "says" she wants me to live with her when she gets her place, but then again it's like I feel like us living together may be complete chaos. She'd get jealous & angry if I left the house but then would feel like I shouldn't have any problem with her going out. She wants me to live with her when she's a frequent and habitual user of drugs. I can't live with a drug user. She claims she "doesn't want to live without me" but her actions and even some of her words contradict that. I just don't know if I believe it. And sadly, it only takes a night like last night to make me re-think EVERYTHING she's ever said to me. And I feel like if she were to get this place and I were to stay that Shawntee or Dominique or whomever would be over there ALL the time. IT IS NOT THEIR HOUSE! I just don't know how well I see us living together working out. And although she "claims" she wants to be with me for "the rest of her life", she's so unwilling to change any of her habits for me, while I've gone out of my way to change for her. But isn't that the way it always goes? Whatever, she's getting on my nerves and I really wish Amie were here. I miss having a BFF here. Anywho, enough venting for the time being. I'm not going to waste any more time or energy on her ass today. Whateva!

Wondering when it will all end

Is this woo shit ever going to end? It's so fucking frustrating. I REALLY HATE THIS FUCKING DRUG. Then I ask myself, well, if it were marijuana would I really give a damn? I mean, it's so frustrating because when she's on this drug she acts SO STUPID. She can't take care of herself. It's like, why would you do something where you may need a friggin babysitter in case you can't control yourself? And honestly, I wouldn't care if she hung out with freakin' Shawntee's ass if they could manage to hang out and be sober. It's like their friendship is dependent on their drug usage.

I just, I love her so much but this drug it is just getting old. I'm slightly bitter because she was supposed to start school on Monday and I am really scared that I'll graduate and start to look for a career and she'll still be where she is now. I just don't know how much more of this drug I can handle. When it gets bad, she tells me she'll quit and she doesn't want to do it anymore. Then she tells me that she "won't explain herself anymore" as to why she does it. But it's not like she does it only when she's going through shit, she does it when she feels like it. There's no rhyme or reason to her use. It doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could just...deal with it, but it's like I feel stupid for having faith that she'll quit because every time she says she will. she doesn't. I got her this video game for her birthday because she said it will help her deal, but it's not like she's using it to her cope. She's still using the drug. I got her an mp3 player so she could deal, but it's like she's using that either. I mean, I know it's only been a little less than a week since she had it, but I'm bitter because I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to steer her away from this drug and no matter what I do she's still using. Do I really just have to accept that she uses? I DON'T WANT TO.

I'm so sick of it. Here we are, four months later, she promised it would be done in July. It's now almost November. This drug is really one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issue in our relationship. Then she always always wants to make this comparison to me and my drinking but I feel like the two are totally not comparable. Am I enabling her by staying and not taking a stand? I'm trying to be there for her, but it gets harder when I just feel like my feelings towards this drug are totally not even taken into consideration. I know I can't change her, but part of me believes if I stick around she'll quit. I stay because I see how she truly is when she's not on it. I see how she is when it's just she and I. She took her drug test today for work and I kinda knew the day that she took her pee test she'd go smoke. I just don't get it. Just because you went and took your drug test doesn't mean that it's all of a sudden the cue to go smoke!

Like, for real. This is so. fucking. FRUSTRATING. Why am I so hurt by this? Why does my heart sink when I know she's smoking? And it's crazy because she doesn't even have to tell me; I just know. For instance, after a certain point and I hadn't heard from her, I just knew what was happening. And now, I wish I could just go to sleep, but I'm so angry yet all I want to do is hear her voice so I can know she's OK. And even if I were to fall asleep, she'd wake me up and then I'd be furious and so it's a catch 22. Do I stay up now and allow myself to stay furious or do I just go to sleep so I can wake up furious? Why do I have to be fucking furious? This drug totally disillusions me from the rest of our relationship. And I think I jinx myself when I start to fall in love all over again. It's like every time I get all re-in love'd is when she smokes. Do I just quit getting excited about her and our relationship?

I just am preparing myself for her calling me high and acting like a jack ass. And the sad thing? I tolerate it. And I go back and forth with "it's not so bad" but really, IT IS! Seriously, when will it all end? Does she really think I want to live with her while she's still using? Sometimes I truly think the only way to get her to quit is to start a family. But I should want a family because I want one, not because I feel like it will get Lauren on track. It's like why can't she want to get on track for us? We have all of these things that we talk about doing but how the fuck are we supposed to do them if she's got this fucking expensive ass habit? I just want her to go to school, get a better job, get a place, get a car and BE HAPPY AND SOBER.

I wish this tightness in my chest would go away. Every minute that passes and the phone doesn't ring I get so nervous and upset. Part of me doesn't even want to answer the phone but i don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm not stupid, either. I try to tell myself "just get over it, try not to make a big deal out of it" but I just can't. If it's a big deal to me, then it should be a big deal to her. I would hate for our relationship to fall apart because of this drug but I can't even freakin' trust her.

Despite how much I love her, I just don't know how much deeper I can get into this relationship if she keeps using. Do I want to live with her if she's going to bring that shit into our house? No. Do I want to start a family with a frequent and habitual user of drugs? NOOO. I just don't know how much further I can continue to go if she just won't change. I feel like eventually it's going to come down to the drug or me. I can't bring her around my family or friends if she's going to continue to use. I can't do it. God, why can't she just get her shit together? Why do I have to feel like this? Why does she have to be so selfish sometimes?

I have so much shit going through my head right now. I'm so hurt, confused, angry, frustrated, unsure, etc., etc. All I can do is just sigh deeply, pray that she'll call, and then try to pick up the pieces. I don't deserve to be hurt like this over something so trivial.

I just wanted to write and say that I am so in love with my Lauren. She makes me whole. I am so happy with her and I swear that every day, no matter what we go through, I find myself falling for her more and more and seriously feeling like she's "the one". I can't believe this, but I swear she's going to be my wife.

So, I'm pretty pumped about next weekend. Not so much this weekend, considering I'm on duty and have this stupid Race Dialogue thing that CA's have to do that is driving me borderline BANANAS! Well, anyways, next weekend is My Lauren's 26th birthday and I'm going to be making an appearance in Cleveland to celebrate with my darling. I am taking the bus (big thumbs down) because 1) my license is suspended and 2) because I don't want to drive my car down there now if I also plan on coming back home like three or four weeks later for winter break. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of nervous about it, because there is GUARANTEED interaction between her friends and I (whom saying I strongly dislike is quite the understatement) but I'm really trying to get myself in the state of mind to just say "meh, fuck 'em" and really try to enjoy myself with Lauren as much as I can. I really want her birthday to be fun and I want her to feel special. I want to buy her an mp3 player for her birthday, but depending on funds, it may have to wait until I get paid at my next check. I do know that I'm DEFINITELY getting her a birthday cake, some balloons, and I really want to get her a Build-A-Bear, but I also know that I'm on a budget and can't be buying stuff all willy nilly. I'm kind of annoyed with my credit card because I was really looking forward to having a little more cash, but I guess I also have to pay off my damn Fairborn ticket already. I am so sick of all these damn tickets. I just got another fucking ticket in the mail today. What's my fucking luck, right?! Anywho, I wish my boss would write me back already about X-Mas break because I really would like to come back and work but, as usual, she's taking forever and that kinda bugs me because i don't like waiting around all willy nilly. Oh well. I also want to make sure I look FABULOUS when I go home for my babe's birthday. I know she's going to look A-MAZING and so I have to show up and look my best as well. I can't believe she's going to be 26 freakin' years old. She'll be 30 in four years!!! That's crazy. It never really dawns on me that she's just about four years older than me. I really really really just hope that her birthday is great, no drama with me & her friends, with her family and her, and it's just a good weekend. I REALLY hope she stays DRUG FREE and that it's a great weekend. I miss her and love her so much! I just can't wait to hug her and kiss her all weekend and just be with her. I know it will be fun. Part of me is still considering driving, but it is very risky, especially with a suspended license. But, we'll see. Anywho, all I know is I love my darling and I am so excited to see her next week to celebrate her 26 years of life. And, I really need to workout already because I am o-bese.OHHHBESSEEE. It's actually pretty gross and I'm slightly disgusted with myself. When will the madness stop?! Can I just go back to how I used to be without a problem? Why am I so tempted to eat shitty food all the time?! MAKE THESE BAD HABITS GO NOW!

Frustrated & Unappreciated

So, I'm kind of frustrated right now. Sometimes I wonder why I try to be so tolerant and so understanding towards her but I don't think she does the same. Today, I have some sorta icky cramps. They aren't as bad as they usually are, but they're still bugging me nonetheless. On top of that, I'm kind of aggravated still from her smoking last night. So, today I'm trying to be in a better mood but at the same time just kinda trying not to be too emotionally involved just because I'm irritated. Then, when I get on the phone, she says that she's "not sure" if she wants to be on the phone with me because my "tone" is "sharp". Huh?!?! I mean - first of all - if I'm your partner you should want to be there and talk to me, ESPECIALLY if I'm not feeling too great! Secondly, of ALL the times I've been on the phone with her and sat through her come so short of verbally bashing me and treating me like dirt, she could AT LEAST have the patience to sit through me having freakin' cramps. It just bugs me sometimes how I feel like I am really trying to completely change myself to be a better person so that WE can be happy together but she still can't even pretend like she can be there for me the way I feel like I try to be there for her. Sometimes I feel like she owes me a lot emotionally because of what I have to go through with her and her drug use, but she doesn't see it. I feel like I put up with SO MUCH because I truly want to believe that she'll quit, but she takes advantage of my patience. And then, she gets mad when I bring up the subject. One thing is for sure: drug addicts are selfish people. She wants me to be patient with her and I truly want to as well, but it bugs me - for instance - how last night I was on the internet WITH her looking up stuff with her so she can go back to school, but when i call her today I reminded her to call them! ?!?!?! I feel like she should have been up this morning and the first thing she should've been doing is making phone calls. I mean, am I wasting this energy on someone who - at the end of the day - is just complacent with their life?! She says she wants to have and do all of these things, but her life choices prove otherwise. We had this pseudo-funny conversation yesterday about "living in a cardboard mansion" and, at the time, it was funny. I wonder if it's really a joke. I just can't stand people with potential who squander their aspirations for no good reason. And what's crazy is I can see all this potential in her, but if she doesn't see it in herself, it's useless.

Anywho, it's off to cramp land to try not to be so aggravated right now. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid we'll only argue. Bah. I'm just aggravated!

Catch 22

Every minute that passes that I don't hear from her, I get more and more worried. I hate that I don't know where she is or if she's OK. I get this sick feeling in my stomach, like something just isn't right but my heart says, "oh, she's fine. Just wait." But I just begin to worry. Where is she? Why haven't I heard from her? I hate this feeling. Times like this I feel terrible that she doesn't have her cell phone. I just want to know she's OK. I don't care what she's doing and it truly has nothing to do with me wanting to check up on her, it's wanting to know that she's SAFE. And as I write this, I still am just waiting...patiently. Praying that with every word that I write she is that much closer to calling me.

12:30AM
Well, I guess at least she's safe. But unfortunately, she's high as well. Ugh. I mean, is she EVER going to quit this? It's so frustrating! I feel like it's a curse. I can never get used to anything going well because she just HAS to go and get high and just make me feel so unsure about everything. I just can't stand her when she fucking smokes this shit. The minute she called me, it was like a Catch 22. I'm happy to hear her voice, but I hate how she acts and talks to me when she's high. I HATE THIS LAUREN. She will never understand how much it hurts me to hear her like this, or tolerate her like this. But you know what's crazy? I LOVE HER. I love her for every time she talks to me like I'm some random girl off the street, how she just abruptly wants to hang up whenever we have any kind of heated argument, how she thinks that it's OK to hit me in the face - even if it is "soft". More importantly, I love her because she is sweet, and affectionate, caring, FUNNY, intelligent, protective and passionate. Every minute I go throughout the day and I think about her. I think about her when I'm in class, at work, just walking, driving, doing homework, doing something CA related, ANYTHING. She's always on my mind. I am so in love with her. I want to be with her and put forth all the effort in the world to be her wife and make her the happiest Lauren in the world. I want to protect her from all of the ills I can that she could be presented with for the rest of her life and be the woman to always have her back no matter what goes down. I want her to be my best friend and be there for me in every possible way. I am so fucking in love and committed to her. I would marry her regardless of the minute or second of the day. SHE IS THE SOLE POSSESSOR OF MY HEART.

God, I just wish she'd quit. Not for me, and not for us: for HER.